I also am so so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar situation when I divorced after 32 years.
The advice given here is good. However, I would add some things here in hoping they may help.
Not all lawyers are helpful in protecting their clients. Mind did not believe the danger I was in, even though I had a stalking order, a gun pointed at my head (which was denied of course!) and a terroristic threat made in front of someone. x would go through the garbage at the apartment I lived in, would pop in unannounced, called the credit card companies telling them I was mentally ill and get/try to get inforamtion. He was a better liar than I am truth teller. I was raped. The second time it was about to happen, I left during the night never to return. This man filed for alimony even though he sits on millions of dollars worth of property. However, I did not have proof of abuse early enough, and the lawyer frankly was intimidated by my x. I divorced the personality in x which I called the old soldier...x was in war mode.
But, perhaps telling my horrors is not really helpful. I do this only though to let you know there are some things I know in hind sight which may help. Now, these things are about divorcing an N, but some of the information can be tailored to any separation from an N.
1) Not all lawyers are knowledgable in helping abused women or men. Some simply do not have the reference point for it. Search one which does.
2) You have to document! document! document! Save and collect any evidence you need.
3) Write down dates and times of events and possible witnesses for you may need them later.
4) Get a burglar alarm which has a panic button. Believe me please, if you can afford it, it is well worth the money. If this does not work for you for some reason, get one of those devices which you can wear around your neck which are for older people who fall. At least it will be something to use in an emergency.
5) Keep the stalking order current.
6) Hire a detective if possible in order to gather information.
7) Get your computer checked for implants or whatever they are to see if a program has been installed which will allow someone to monitor your computer correspondance. Along the same line, expect the computer to be supoenoed by the court.
Get your private papers to a safe place, which included car title, birth certificate, marriage license and what not. Do not consider your joint safety deposit box a safe place! You may need legal help if your papers are in a joint box, so get it!
9) Do not ever never NOT EVER believe one thing the N says ever again. However, realize others will.
10) In some states, believe it or not, you are required by law to give your living address in a deposition. I was appalled I had to do this. If this is the case in your state, then make sure you are able to move quickly right after giving it.
11) While the divorce is going on, live in place where you are not tied legally to a long term lease. This is very important. You may need to move quickly.
12) If your family, some or all, are Ns, they may not believe you. Horrid as this is, realize this from the beginning. Those you are genetically connected to may not by reason of this kinship protect you and may work against you.
13) Know the law in your state about how protected your medical records are. I had rape medical records, but had to choose not to release them due to my lawyer saying that would open a door for them to get more information about me beign on an anti-depressent for several years.
14) Most divorce laws per state are online. Read them! There is also a series of books about divorcing in each state. I strongly recommend you have knowledge. Forwarned is forarmed.
15. Change your phone number to unlisted. Get the system which allows you to know who is calling. Get an anwering machine; that can be great for documentation.
16. Do NOT speak on a cell phone ever ever ever about personal information which can be used against you. There are devices which can be bought easily which allow conversations to be monitored from a block or so away.
17. It may be necessary to change name, change jobs, change living places. Do so and do not look back if possible.
18. It also may be necessary to determine at what point he gets his money and you get your life. Yes, this is harsh to think about and I shutter typing it. However, I am deadly sure that if I pushed to hard to get the house, I would now be dead. I am sure of it.
19. Find a support group. The women's shelter would be a good place to start looking.
20. If ever your house or living place is broken into, then it is OK to assume your stalker did it, adn make arrangements to protect yourself immediately!
21. Change your credit card numbers. Alert the card companies that you have a stalking order, and they will put a watch on your accounts.
22. Change your habits of where you shop if necessary, where you go at night for fun, etc.
23. People do not like to think that one of their own is in danger. This especially goes for families. Well, at least in my case. Be aware of who you tell what, for some of them will repeat what you say to the "other" party.
24. Watch out for theft and name forgery. I found this after he had already married again and it had been 7 months later! Boy did I want to put him in jail but the judge gave him a chance to pay it back.
25. He may hire what is called a shotgun attorney. Those are attorneys which do whatever the client wants within the legal limits of the law. They can be ruthless.
26. The sooner he finds another 'honey' to take your place, the better. Mine actually married one who had my same first name, calls her the same thing he called me, etc. However, once she moved into his picture, I was safe.
27. You will get over it. Time is your healer.
28. People you are friends with may not understand nor take your side. Best is to move on, hard as it is.
29. An abuser is desperate. His/her actions reflect this. Be aware.
30. As you have found out, he/she will use friends to determine your whereabouts, business, etc. Stop this from happening as it can lead to more trouble than you can imagine.
31. Abusers have no consciousness as to right or wrong. Whatever they want to do is right as far as they are concerned. Law and order do not count in their minds. Advice I can give to you on this realm is to know it, and not go there yourself.
32. It will end at some point. TAke care of yourself!
Well, that is a lot, but I probably could think of others.
I wish you the best. I thougght my experience was the worst thing that could happen. But in retrospect, the worse thing would have been for me to have stayed in that horror story.
