You won't believe what an N did to my family. Updated I need advice.

[MarisaML]

So, we got a phone call yesterday from DSS and they want to come back for a follow-up visit so they "can close the case".  This brought up all those emotions and feelings again and I cried for 30 minutes after the call.  I feel like my privacy and rights have been violated.  I really do feel helpless.  And this just isn't right!  My husband and I are superb parents.  My children are happy and healthy.  My oldest child (7)who is in school is at the top of his class in reading and math, also he makes friends easily and hardly ever gets in trouble.  Does that sound like he comes from a disfunctional home?  And now I have to worry again that something might set the social worker off and she will take my kids.  I know they're absolutely not abused.  They're fed 3 meals a day, and put in bed at 8 each night.  At the present time they have no bruises or gashes or anything.  But what if one of them falls?  It is not uncommon for them to have bruises.  They are small kids for heaven's sake, they fall all the time.  I am feeling so nervous by all this.  And why should we have to go through this?  Because someone with a Personality Disorder made a phone call.  They really give no indications that they are worried for the children.  They called my brother-in-law and he told them that we definitely do not over-discipline our kids if anything we under-discipline them.  Ouch that hurt.  But anyways I hope it was something they needed to hear.  And now I have been to these websites that say not to even let DSS in your house without a warrant.  But we have already let them in once.  Should we let them in again to show them we have nothing to hide?  Or should we politely tell them that we will let them in when they can show us a warrant signed by a judge?  What if we let them in and they find some crazy reason to take our kids?  Can we take that chance?  You think they couldn't do that, but I've read a lot of horror stories.

Here's a link that discusses CPS and the laws that should but don't protect family rights.
http://www.massoutrage.com/dssfalseallegations.htm

Please tell me what you think.  I know that there are some very fair-minded reasonable people here and I would like to hear what you would do. 

Thanks Marisa

[Marta]

But we have already let them in once.  Should we let them in again to show them we have nothing to hide?  Or should we politely tell them that we will let them in when they can show us a warrant signed by a judge?

Marisa, don't let anyone invade your privacy. What happens in your own home is your own business and no one else's, unless someone is being abused. Since you also sound like a reasonable person and know that you are not abusing, don't let anyone in and make you feel defensive.

What if one of them falls? As long as you have your family supporting you, you will be just fine. Don't live out of fear. I really hate it and find it difficult to trust or forgive when others invade my privacy.

Guard your privacy. Nothing to hide does not translate into kiss-n-tell on prime time either, even if what you are hiding is some smelly old socks in your laundry basket. Just because.

Marta

[seasons]

Wow (Marisa),

I would be scared too! I believe you and know your children are well and safe and have a fantastic mother/parents. Your heart is huge and it
shines through your posts.

I will look into this more and view your link. I do know the school called on my sil and brother about their daughter, at the time was 16. Long story but her home life was far from stable and they let her stay. Like I said a different story, she was a teenager, never came home, was on the street, sneaked out during the night etc. I believe she had to see a judge, my niece and had a curfew and if she didn't comply she would be taken away. Again not your case scenario. But I wanted to share.

Hope you get lots advice and direction. My heart goes out to you. May all go well and be done soon.   Good luck seasons

[MarisaML]

Marta, I agree that is too invasive to let them in my home.  But my husband wants to let them in so that we can get it over with to 'close the case'.  In a way we're both right.  If we do let them in Thursday it will be the very last time.  If they ever come back they won't get in without a warrant.  We have been harrassed enough.  But we do have a lot of thinking to do still.  Thank you very much for validating my feelings of my privacy being violated.  Other people have shrugged that off as if it were nothing.  Whatever happened to parents rights.  Murderers and rapists have more rights when it comes to the system. 

Seasons, thanks for your support.  And your kind words.  It helps for me to get lots of advice so that I can mull it over a bit.  Whenever I get something on my mind I study it and study it and ask for others' input and think on it some more.  I like to be knowledgeable and to look at these things through many points of view.  Until it 'feels' right what I should do. 

Marisa

[BJ]

MarisaML, I'm so sorry for your situation. I am a mother of two boys and your DES story angers me. Family disagreements/fighting/powerplays etc. are one thing...but DES? Your real focus has to be only on the well-being of your family and NOT give-in to the entangled drama of someone else. OK, so they've created this awful position for you...what to do? 

My thought would be to protect myself "from my position". In other words, contact DES, some other related government service, or perhaps a lawyer in a related field of expertise and find out exactly what your rights are in this awful situation. You may want to start by anonymously questioning. Find out how you, on record, can protect your family from this unlawful act. State your facts clearly and precisely, including your outrage and concern for these accusations. Find out, if someone is victimized like this, what is the best plan of action for the family and future. If you need to take voluntary action to protect your position, be open, honest, and confident. Talk to all the right people and do your homework. If nothing else, you will always know in your heart that you did what was needed and didn't just stand alone fearful. When there is nothing to hide, you don't have to hide. Open up and state your "peace"! 

Now, having said all that, I want to be very clear that I have no idea how these things work. It is very critical that you do not add increased attention to your situation. Make sure that "waiting it out, or doing nothing except what they want" would not be your best option. Again, I am soooo sorry...my heart goes out to you.
My thoughts and good wishes are for you and your family-- and your comfort.   Best,  BJ

[MarisaML]

Thanks BJ, that was very helpful and you gave me some ideas to work on.  Tomorrow is the day.  If we do decide to let her in we will have a few of MY family members here as witnesses, but to her we will call them 'references'.  I am also thinking of getting a tape recorder so that I can have my own records of the event.  My husband is too relaxed with this.  He is very sure that she is only coming to 'close the case'.  But I can't completely trust that.  This seems like 'Big brother' to me.  But this is something every parent needs to be aware of.  Just one call from someone who wants revenge on you and you have DSS on you.  This is where the 'people' need to stand up for our rights and be more assertive with our government.  We need to take the power back from the government like it was meant to be.  I will be writing my congressman.  All of you other parents and grandparents should too.  Nothing will ever change unless we do something about these injustices.

[Hop guest]

The tape recorder sounds really smart to me, Marisa.

good luck in protecting your home and family.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Hops

[Sela]

Dear ((((((((Marisa)))))))))):

This is so awful for you and frightening.  It's traumatizing.  But please do not let your fear rule.

The best thing might be to call a lawyer experienced in dealing with DSS.  You don't want to let these people think you have anything to fear.  You haven't done anything wrong so being confident, polite but firm in that is important.  Call a lawyer and see what information might be helpful.  It can't hurt.

My bet is they are simply going to close their case as they have said that's what they will do.

Sela

[MarisaML]

Thanks for the good advice Sela.  Confident, polite but firm in that is important.  Yes, that would be best.  I'm nervous, but I'm trying to calm down a little.  I will be glad to get this over with.  And this will be the last time our privacy will be violated this way.    


Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers for tomorrow.  I greatly appreciate all the support.

Marisa

[BJ]

Marisa,

I'm thinking of you and I hope today brings resolution to this awful DSS (not DES) situation. Be genuine and you should be fine.  Best to you and your family,  BJ

[MarisaML]

hi marisa,

A couple questions.  You said if they (DSS) ever come back they won't get in without a warrant.  Are you saying that you and your husband agreed not to let them in?  Or is this their rule?

I agree that you've been violated and harrassed big time.  No sense telling the N that cause it will fall on deaf ears, of course  

We have been harrassed enough. 

I agree.  What have you and your husband talked about as far as a plan?  Have you considered a restraining order against SIL?

hugs,
bean

My husband and I agreed that we won't let them in next time.  It is within our rights to not let them in without a warrant.  Most people don't know that.  But it is a right protected by the constitution from what I've researched.  Unless they've changed it yet again.  Yes, we have considered a restraining order but was told that we can only get one with an attorney.  So that complicates things a little.  And no, we don't plan on telling the N anything.  We agreed that we never want to see her again and we will never allow our children to be around her either.  My husband says as far as he's concerned she is no longer his family.  So come holiday time his family will finally 'get it' that his relationship with her is over.  And they will never have their children and grandchildren together in the same place again.  We are truly hoping that today will be the end of the SS coming to our home.  They have to go through a process where 2 different social workers come to your home.  The first one seemed to be unconcerned that there were any problems.  The second set up an appointment to come back.  And I've heard that if they were worried about abuse they would just show up without warning. 

Thanks (((((Bean))))) and ((((((BJ)))))!

[mudpuppy]

Hi Marisa,

 Probably a little late with this, but I would suggest calling a lawyer and finding out what your rights are. Kind of hard to decide what to do if you don't know what you can do.
 Also you should disclose to the social worker that you are recording what occurs if you do decide to record it. In many states it is illegal to record a conversation without the other party's consent, and this does not necessarily just apply to phone calls. It might be perfectly legal in your state, but it might not. Why take chances?
 I hope everything goes OK today. The good thing is this episode has revealed what you are truly dealing with and shown you and your husband how far you will have to go to protect yourselves and your kids.

mud

[seasons]

(Marisa)

Thinking of you today with thoughts and prayers all goes well. seasons

[MarisaML]

thanks mud and seasons:

The SW called today and had to reschedule for Monday.  My husband spoke to her about some our concerns.  She told him 'not to worry', that she intends on closing the case.  But she has to come back for the follow up visit to do so.  She also said that they wrote it on record that it was a 'Malicious' call.  He told her that he was worried that his sister would try it again.  The SW said that if she did call back and gave the same report that it would not be acted apon.  But if she were to make a different claim they have to check it out.  He told her that she will not be around us or our children again. 

I probably won't need to use a tape recorder after all.  But I would have definitely disclosed this to her.  And yes it has definitely opened my husbands eyes.  He said he would have never believed that she would do something like this before.  But now he sees that she is capable of anything.  And we both see her as being dangerous.  This would have hurt my children terribly if she would have gotten her wishes.  So this wasn't just a harmful act towards me and my husband.  But it was harmful to our children.  I wish that she could feel what we did, but I'm not cold-hearted enough to do the same thing to her child.  She is truly one sick person. 

Thank you for all the prayers! 

Marisa

[mudpuppy]

That's great Marisa.

Funny how we let our fears lead us to the worst case scenario so often when a simple talk would usually alleviate them.
Its good that the scales have fallen from your husband's eyes. That is one way that Ns can do a lot of harm; when one spouse sees them for what they are but the other doesn't. It can make for a lot of conflict and misunderstandings in a marriage.

mud