You won't believe what an N did to my family. Updated I need advice.

[MarisaML]

Or than again maybe you will. 

The Narcissist I'm talking about is my sister-in-law.  She came directly from the depths of hell.  I have been married for 9 years and have endured a lot of emotional and verbal abuse from my N sister-in-law and N mother-in-law.  But what happened on Monday takes the cake.  I'll start the story from Sunday, Easter.  Well the family had all gathered together for a meal at In-laws.  My sister-in-law who has been actively fighting with her brother and his wife for weeks now was on the rampage.  Her two victims were being extremely gracious to her that day for the sake of the family... even though she had cussed out their 9 year old son just days before. And made him cry!  She also started teasing or better yet hackling all of the kids mine included.  She even smacked them on the back of the head and on the back!  I didn't find out till the next day.  So I got thru the day alright.  But then the next day.  I was at home with my three kids minding my own business when the phone started ringing.  It was the sister-in-law.  I ignored it.  But I thought she might come anyway and so I tried calling my husband at work to see if he could call her and tell her to stay away.  That didn't work.  So she came over.  I didn't unlock the door.  I told the kids (who are 7,4, and 2) not to open the door for her.  But the door is easy to come open.  Sometimes the wind blows it open.  And so she threw her body into it and opened it!  I was on the phone with my aunt and ignored her.  She went into the back yard with my kids and waited till I got off the phone.  And then she came at me demanding that I tell her why I was mad.  At first I said I didn't want to get into that right now.  And then in a very diplomatic way I told her that she was too judgemental about my home and my kids and I don't like people coming over unannounced to judge me.  She looked at me funny and than started asking me again why I was mad.  I thought I had  just told her but it still didn't stop her.  Then she started telling me how good she was to me and the kids.  And her attitude was very haughty and arrogant.  I finally had enough and said very calmly" I think you need to leave."  Her eyes got big as softballs but she stood there looking at me.  And then I said a little louder and more forceful.  "I said that you need to leave".  Well she stood there still very stunned but challenging me.  As if she had as much right to be there as I did.  "I finally said... you get out of my f-ing house!"  And she turned to me very haughtily and said "Is that the way you talk in front of your kids".  And then I reminded her of how I've heard her cussing in front of hers before as well and then I pushed her out the door.  As she was walking off she turned to me and told me that my house was messy and my kids were filthy and she was going to call Social Services.  I said well of course my kids are filthy because they have been playing outside in the dirt all day!  And of course my house was messy.  I have 3 kids!  As she was getting into her car she turned to me with an evil and desperate look on her face and I said "look kids I brought the devil out in her!" 

She went to her parents house and then there was a big uproar over what had just happened.  I had called my husband and he called his parent's house.  And his brother and sister-in-law was also there. Everyone was fighting.  My mother-in-law was the only one to really take her side.  So my husband got home and my cousin came over for a visit after that.  When guess who arrives!  Yep,  a Social Worker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She politely asked to come and see the children and their rooms.  She didn't say anything about my house being messy.  But she wanted to see if the kids had marks on them.  Because my sister-in-law told her that they did!  And so we brought them in there and let her see.  They did have a few scratch marks that our wild puppy had left on them.  So she said that it was obvious that those marks were from an animal.  We told her that the children had been crying because of what that devil had told them and she said oh I'm not going to take you away.  I told her what had happened and that I knew who made the report.  She said that it was apparent to her that it was just a "revenge call".  And then she left. 

My family has been so traumatized by this.  Just the threat of having our kids taken was enough to terrify us beyond comprehension.  But now his family won't stop calling and trying to come over.  And we have told them that I need them to stay away for now.  And actually I intend on it being permanent.  I blame my mother-in-law and father-in-law a little for this too.  Because no matter what nasty things she does to people they defend her.  They support her.  And even now they seem to be doing the same about this.  My father-in-law did jump on her initially but now he's told me that it's his daughter and he's not turning on her.  I never asked him too.  I just thought that they wouldn't support her so much.  Of course the N mother-in-law is on her side even though to everyone else she says that she didn't agree with it.  Well I've got to thanks for listening.

[gratitude28]

Marisa,
That is just awful. How terrible that you had to go through all of that. Does your husband put up with his mother when she defends the SIL? How has he been during the whole mess? Do you have to live near his family? It sounds like you have wonderful kids and a happy home. Please don't let this woman try to ruin it. What are you planning to do now?
Love, Beth

[MarisaML]

Thank you so much guys!  You all sound very kind and thoughtful.  And I can use all the help I can get.  It does help to get advice from people who have experience with these kind of people.  Because a lot of the people in my life outside of this family just don't understand. 

Stormchild.. Yes you're absolutely right.  I don't feel that we will get any support from the in-laws at all.  Although they say they are not choosing their daughter (kim) over my husband (Dan), it sure does seem like it.  My father-in-law told me he would not turn his back on his daughter and he will support Dan.  Hmmm.. I don't know how to feel about that.  I think there should be more negative attention given to her than this.  She has been at her parents' house everyday since Monday and I wonder if they're mad at all towards her.  What do you guys think would be the appropriate reaction towards a daughter in a normal family?  And you're right about her little boy.  Poor thing.  And he was adopted.  I think God knew what he was doing when he made her infertile. 

Gratitude.. My husband did used to put up with his Mom defending his sister.  And he would defend her too.  "oh that's just the way she is" kind of thing.  The whole family admits that she is mentally ill, but they don't do anything about it.  I am proud to say that my husband has been wonderful thru this last ordeal.  He is a loving and devoted father and I know that he loves these children as much as I do.  We are both feel the same way about his family now.  It scared us so much that he is willing to abandon his parents for the sake of keeping our children.  He has tried to tell his family that his sister is no longer a part of his life and the lives of his children.  They keep trying to get them to reconcile.  But this will NOT happen.  I know how this sounds but our emotions are very raw right now.  And we both hate Kim.  Oh and we do live in the same town as his parents.  Unfortunately.  Right now we are planning to get a restraining order against her.

bean... yes I do want to do the healthy and safe thing.  I have moments of weakness though that make me want to go and hurt her.  But I'm trying very hard to think of what is good for my family without letting my anger get the best of me.  The problem is she keeps adding insult to injury.  She has started spreading rumors about me having affairs and our children not belonging to my husband.  All untrue.  And this is just to get the attention off of her and what she did.  But it's provoking us more.  I would love to hear what you guys think about what we should do next. 

Should we cut off his family?
How do we keep her from making more accusations?
Is she dangerous?
What should we do next?

Thanks for all of your help.  I'm so happy I found you guys. 

[mum]

Marisa, wow what a weekend. The first thing that came to my mind is restraining order. You have been threatened. Your family has been threatened. This nutball needs to stay away from you permanently.

Picture vividly what you want. What do you want? Peace, a harmonious home, a safe haven? Decide what you WANT (not just what you don't want....that's obvious....even though the two things do indeed hinge on each other...)
NOW: what can you do to get what you want?

I am sorry you are related to the N circus! What a load of ridiculous drama!!!!  This woman in particular sounds just plain sick in the head. Anyway, you sound like a good, strong, smart woman. Consider pulling out of your part of the drama...maybe that means cutting them off, who knows? You don't have to play their game if you don't want to.
Toxic people are toxic even if they are blood relatives.  If something is bad for your kids....well, you don't expose them to it.

You and your husband can probably brainstorm what it is you want (set a goal) and then, with loving intention and lots of faith....set out to get it.

Sending you love and light and PEACE in your home!!!(and heart)
MUM

[write]

I know you're hurt and angry right now, but try looking at it like this:

for some reason your s-i-l is jealous of your family.

She tried to muscle in on your kids inappropriately and when that backfired she tried to intimidate them.

When that backfired she tried to intimidate you.

When that backfired she tried to manipulate a social worker into punishing you.

When that backfired she went to your H's family and stirred up family mayhem.

When that backfires...

You see where I am going with this?

She isn't going to change. Her family may love her & want to try to maintain some kind of 'family harmony' but she will act out with them sometime before too long ( already has if they could accept it )

This is your nuclear family home. You can insist on whatever rules and behaviours are important for you and your family. All mothers feel inadequate sometimes, it's hard work raising children; clearly these hurtful words have shaken your confidence and you need to regain that before putting yourself in a potential siyuation of feeling unsupported & criticised by your extended family.

Your extended family need to understand you need some time to come to terms with what just happened and the way your boundaries and the sanctuary of your home was violated. Like most families they will probably try to minimise and make excuses for their 'problem child'.

That's where your H comes in- by helping you set and reinforce boundaries with these blinkered people who cannot see how much they have hurt you.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[seasons]

Hi Marisa,

I'm sorry about your situation with you extended family. I applaud your courage to kick her little butt out of your HOME. What she did in response to me equals............keep away, far away, take care of your family. And if that means at this time, to be safe, you have to cut off contact
from all her followers... aka enablers so be it. Your health and well being come first.

 ((seasons))

[MarisaML]

Thank you so much for the good advice.  I'm going to give all of this thought.  And come back to comment.  I don't have a lot of time right now. But I appreciate the support that you guys are offering and it is really helping me tremendously!  It has even calmed my anxiety a lot.

[MarisaML]

One of the most destructive forces I have seen in human interactions is the way people are pressured to mindlessly worship 'blood ties'. The idolatry of 'family' when the family in question is nothing but a toxic trap...

Stormchild.. THANK YOU!  Everything you've said in your posts is what I needed and wanted to hear someone say.  But yet in my circle of friends and family I'm bullied and shamed that I feel that way.  People tell me that I shouldn't try to come between Dan and his "all-important" family.  Even though they have tried to destroy our marriage (they almost did) and family. 

Mum.. Yes!  We are getting a restraining order.  We have no choice but to do so.  She will try her hardest to come around the kids and my husband if we don't.  And the family certainly won't set those boundaries for her.  I told my kids in front of my FIL that they were not allowed to go home with him because of Kim.  And he told me that I shouldn't punish them (FIL and MIL) for what Kim did.  I told him that these rules were not only mine but my husbands as well.  My father-in-law was standing in my home at the time against my wishes.  My fellow abusee sister-in-law Teresa had called him on my behalf to tell him not to come by that I needed to have some time.  He said he wasn't going to except that and came right over.  Later my MIL called poor Teresa and jumped all over her for putting a wedge in the family.  And also she jumped on Teresa for telling us about the rumors that Kim was spreading because Kim wanted to be the one to tell Dan!  I don't understand what that means.  But anyways. Thanks Mum because your post did help to ease my anxiety a great deal.

Your extended family need to understand you need some time to come to terms with what just happened and the way your boundaries and the sanctuary of your home was violated. Like most families they will probably try to minimise and make excuses for their 'problem child'.

Write... You are so right!  Is that a pun?  I think she is jealous of us.  For one she can't stand us because she is infertile and we have been super fertile and had 3 kids without any effort to conceive.
She adopted a child and we thought this would make her a little better.  But instead it has give us a new hell to deal with.  Having our non-violent (mostly) children blamed for defending theirselves from her violent N child-in-training.  Please don't take me wrong.  I have never blamed her child and have never treated him unfairly.  She has even jerked my oldest child up by one arm and brutally spanked him before.  He was 2!  And when I reacted in I think an understandable way the family jumped all over me and told us that our child was out of control.  It did feel good to tell her off and threaten to beat her you know what though.  He is 7 now and he still remembers that day and tells me that he was pushed first and then he pushed back.  I'm still angry about that too.

And if that means at this time, to be safe, you have to cut off contact
from all her followers... aka enablers so be it. Your health and well being come first.

Seasons.. that is what I hope my husband will understand.  Is there anything I can say or do to help him see this?  I think he's getting there, but not yet all the way.  I really feel sorry for him, but I would really like to distance our little family from his messed up extended family.  What will help him?  Not only make these decisions but comfort him and help him heal?

I am still hurting a lot and I have a lot of crying spells.  My children are so sweet when they see me crying.  They always come to comfort me with hugs.  And then it reminds me of what i have to lose and I cry even more.  Thanks for all the kind words and good advice. 

[MarisaML]

OOps I'm sorry for all the long threads.  I'm a little embarrassed that I've said so much.

[moonlight52]

Hey MarisaML   What do you have to feel embarrassed for all you have posted is supportive and truthful so thank you
HUGS
Moonlight

[write]

Write... You are so right!  Is that a pun?

'no pun intended'?!

OOps I'm sorry for all the long threads.

Say as much as you want, don't apologise!

I really feel sorry for him, but I would really like to distance our little family from his messed up extended family.  What will help him?  Not only make these decisions but comfort him and help him heal?

my thoughts would be-

do things in stages.

Start by "taking a break" from extended family and talking ( a lot ) with your husband.

( That might reveal some communication problems between yourselves if he's grown up in a 'bury your head in the sand' environment rather than have things discussed openly and maturely and resolved )

Don't make big decisions whilst you're still angry and hurt.

For the sake of your marriage try to be on the same page before you make the decision to cut all ties with his family. Unless you're in agreement it's the sort of thing wrecks a marriage, impossible emotional choices and the ensuing resentment.

Try not to see it as 'taking sides' between people or issues but-
you both together need to make and maintain a safe comfortable happy family atmosphere- where visitors keep your boundaries and do not burst in or disturb the peace!

Personally I wouldn't want to give up too soon; my own family situations are good now, even though some communications are mostly by post. But cutting off all ties can so often be no resolution...and a sense of regret and loss.

You could tell your H- I need some space for us to work through what just happened-  there's clearly no easy solutions for us to live peacefully alongside X so we need to work some things out before she is welcome here for now.

Do you feel your husband understands and agrees with your feelings on what happened with the social worker?

***

Just whilst reading this to spell-check I just remembered my own ex.
During our marriage sometimes he would be with his sister and suddenly there was a barely perceptible switch of loyalties. Or that was how I experienced it.

It was like he switched back to a former self before me. They were in agreement and I was an outsider.

I was usually more annoyed with her when it happened because she knew what a pig he was being yet suddenly- he was her brother and any compassion for me was gone!

We haven't lived in the same country or all been together for years, but it just took me back...

[MarisaML]

Write,
( That might reveal some communication problems between yourselves if he's grown up in a 'bury your head in the sand' environment rather than have things discussed openly and maturely and resolved )Yes, we've definitely had communication problems in the past.  He is they type to 'bury his head in the sand' but not this time. 

For the sake of your marriage try to be on the same page before you make the decision to cut all ties with his family. Unless you're in agreement it's the sort of thing wrecks a marriage, impossible emotional choices and the ensuing resentment.Well, he knows that I've already cut most of his family off.  And he has told them.  See last year there was a big falling out between me and his mom and I didn't speak to her for 9 months.  I finally agreed to go back around the family but with the understanding they respect me more.  That's all out the window.  His mom is having a field day spreading all the nasty rumors that Kim has told.  But it's up to Dan if and when he cuts his family off.  Let's just say he is getting closer everyday.

Personally I wouldn't want to give up too soon; my own family situations are good now, even though some communications are mostly by post. But cutting off all ties can so often be no resolution...and a sense of regret and loss.  There will be no resolution in this.  No one cares enough. 

You could tell your H- I need some space for us to work through what just happened-  there's clearly no easy solutions for us to live peacefully alongside X so we need to work some things out before she is welcome here for now. I have told him, and he told his family.  But they don't respect me enough to stay away.  They have called everyday..since.  And I never pick up the phone.  Thank God for Caller ID.

Do you feel your husband understands and agrees with your feelings on what happened with the social worker?  Yes, absolutely. 
***

We haven't lived in the same country or all been together for years, but it just took me back...
That sounds great.  Do yourself a favor.  Don't miss the N's.  They don't deserve it.

This is why my T's keep saying: you need to set boundaries.  And i keep thinking: what for?  what's to salvage in the relationship?  makes more sense to me to cut these folks off.  there is almost nothing to salvage, virtually no real communication and support.... Bean, I totally agree.  Why should we keep subjecting ourselves to this abuse all the time.  I think it's time we move on. 

[write]

only you can know whether it is worth salvaging anything.

Sounds like you've repeatedly tried to set the boundaries, sorry it's not worked.

You're right- sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on.

[write]

just because you point out abuse doesn't mean you created it

When my son was smaller he would have a habit of picking up interesting trash; we used to say 'if you pick it up, that makes it yours, you must dispose of it'...

I think in dysfunctional families, especially ones where the same crap goes round in cycles:
it's emotional 'pass the baton'!
You've kept hold of it, started examining it and will eventually throw it away, talk about not playing the game!!!

[MarisaML]

I think in dysfunctional families, especially ones where the same crap goes round in cycles:
it's emotional 'pass the baton'!Write.  That is so true.

Similar story with brother and his wife (they have two kids).  My N mom was abusive to sis-in-law after she had a miscarriage - brother wasn't too supportive of sis-in-law, he added to the "what's wrong with you, my mom had 6 kids no problem" thinking which really hurt my sis-in-law.  Here she is grieving and all people can think to do is make her out to be some sort of unhealthy freak.Bean that's terrible!  They should feel ashamed of themselves.  Just goes to show how warped some people are.  Sorry I don't want to offend you. I know what you mean about one being a favorite.  Is this very typical?  See, my sister-in-law Kim (aka the Devil) is the fave of their family.  And that is very sad about your parents wanting to take the children of your siblings away from them. 

bean, it sounds as though marriage-wrecking is precisely what your parents intend, for all their children. Ugh, how destructive! I'm so sorry. And that goes for marisa too.  You got that right, Storm.  My in-laws are unhappy with all of their childrens' marriages and have tried to split us up.