Are there any different effects on children of N-Fathers & N-Moms?

[moonlight52]

It seems there is so much known about N-Mothers and not a lot about N-Fathers.Are there any major effects that are just
effects from n-moms and just effects from n-dads on there children ,or does it not make any difference ? Does anyone have any information on this .My n-dad whipped us kids with a belt and was verbal, I was the youngest girl. My twin brother was 7 minutes older.I was just wandering if gender of N-parent had any different effect?

[moonlight52]

I    thought I would start off with some N-father stuff and see if this is the same for N-Mothers
1.   N-fathers make you feel unworthy of being loved
2.   Super criticized all my life (very big one for me)
3    N-father always made me feel like a failure
4    I was lucky to be ignored
5    I always felt unlovable by him
6    He would say I was less than useless
7    He always said he was always right
8   he never hugged me or said he loved me or sid anything nice about me  that comment about when I took him my best drawing of a tree in our back yard and he said it was a waste of paper still makes me mad
These were said as a child of course you grow up and know this stuff can not be true but is this the stuff N-mothers say?
Moonlight #4 just my own comment some thing that helped me

[Portia]

(((((Moonlight)))))

Have you read any child development stuff? How the different genders respond to different types of love and support from each parent?

Fathers help girls to relate to men, feel okay around men (or not). They also help the little girl separate from mom and take steps into the big wide world. Mom loves you and cares for you when you’re very small and she’s the first person you bond with (usually). Dad is the one who shows you things, shows you your own personal power in the world (he helps you walk, run, climb trees, explore) and if you’re very lucky, he’ll give you the sense that the world is an exciting place where you will be able to thrive as you grow.

Okay that’s the perfect parents and they don’t exist.

From your list it seems your Dad did the exact opposite.

My stepdad had the effect on me of all your list points, but to a much lesser degree. I think it helped that he wasn’t my bio-dad and he wasn’t around when I was a baby. My bio-dad though has made me feel as though anything good that happens to me isn’t a result of my efforts, it’s a result of others smiling upon me, as though I don’t have any value in myself. He says things like “well they must think a lot of you to give you that job” and putting any achievements down to luck.

Our dads give us the framework for how men are going to respect us, love us and they give us a big sense of self-worth.

Hmmmmm...

[steve]

The list that moonlight resonates strongly with me and my N-sperm donor (I do not think he warrants the respect of being called a father). I would like to add or amend a few points on the list.

He would take credit for my accomplishments: He has never once told me he was proud of me or that I did something well. But he would brag to everyone about what I accomplished.

He would verbally abuse me if I had an opinion that was different than his. Once when I was 40 years old he said that he forbid me for saying that gay people had rights, I just laughed.

He would always have to prove (usually by never relenting) that he was right and I was wrong.

He treated me as his possession and has never asked me to do anything (that is, he only ordered me) and has never said thank you.

Now that I think of it, I can not think of one time in my life when I had an enjoyable moment with my father.

He has never shown me any affection.

I am sure that if I thought about it I could come up with many more items. The point is that though I feel sorry for him, I no longer feel anything else to wards him. It is not worth it. This is a zero-sum game. The more you give up to them, the less you have of yourself. Do yourself a favor and just ignore them as much as possible. They will continue to play their games, but in the end, I think that he deserves no more than my new pair of running shoes. Perhaps he deserves even less, because my running shoes at least serve some purpose in my life. Hope this helps,

Steve

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry, Steve.

Sounds like he confused parenting with total controlling.

Glad you've got those shoes. That's a lot of hurt.
I hope in running, you'll find healing.

Hops

[MarisaML]

Okay, my Mom wasn't an N.  But my Mother-in-law is.  I didn't grow up with her but I have known her for 9 years.  And so I can give some of her characteristics.  She is what I've read to be a "doting Narcissist"  which I can imagine as being more of a woman trait. 

1. Very controlling.  Has to have total control over everyone and everything they do.  Not just her children but THEIR spouses and children.  She has told me how I should cut my hair, dress my kids and clean my house.

2.  Very critical.  She does have a 'star' child and 'star' grandchild who doesn't get the same criticisms as everyone else.  But the rest of us are criticised about everything!  Unless she wants to charm us.

3.  Complimenting.  This does seem to contradict no.2.  LOL.  That's what makes me crazy!  It doesn't have to make sense.  If she wants to charm someone she will fill them full of compliments just to get them close to her so she can abuse them.  "oh Marisa you look so good."  "You're so smart." and then when you turn your back she stabs you in it.   

4.  Boastful.  "look at what I did!", "I'm perfect".  She has actually said she was perfect.  LOL.  She does a lot of things for people to get recognition.  She has come to my house and tried to 'help' clean it against my expressed wishes.  She then ignored me and did it anyway and then went and told everyone that she 'had' to clean my house.  When in fact all she did was sweep and mop a little bit.  She will also spend a lot of money on us but only so she can tell people.  I tend to use them because I don't like them and I feel I deserve something because of the abuse I've endured. 

5.  Spends very generously on others so that they can own them. Nothing is free.And I explained on 4 she does this to boost her reputation of being 'loving and giving'.  And she does it to own us. 

6.  Talks about others negatively.  She doesn't seem to like anyone much.  But to their faces it's a different story. 

7.  Greedy.  Once lied to a little old man to get his house.  He told her that if she would take care of him and not put him in a nursing home then he would sign is house over to her. She agreed.  But when he signed his house over to her she then put him in a nursing home.  My N sister-in-law was in on this too!  His neighbors were taking care of him (selflessly) and she manipulated the little old man into thinking badly of them so she could edge her fat little self into the picture.

8.  Pretends to be loving.  But underneath really isn't.  This is the way she it to the grandchildren.  She brags on them and builds them up but if they do something that displeases her then she turns on them in a bad way.  If they reject her at all then she gets very angry.  If they fight with the 'star child' than it is always their fault not her little star's.  When usually it is the star's fault because he is an N-in-training. 

9.  Very loud and obnoxious.  But she thinks she is viewed as fun and friendly.  She smiles a lot but her eyes are very telling. 

Honestly I'd rather be ignored.  Now don't think for a minute that this is just a normal MIL thing.  It is not!  Everyone that knows her all secretly (and sometimes openly) hates her.  I get a lot of comments from people who say "OMG is that your Mother-in-law!" "I feel sorry for you." 

[Brigid]

Moonlight,
My father was the n in my family, and while never physically abusive, he certainly made up for it in the mental abuse area.  I would agree with most of your list.  The constant criticism was probably the worst of it and what I still deal with today.  He never told me he loved me, ever hugged or kissed me, never attended anything I ever did, spent any time alone with me, or ever even asked how my week was after returning from travelling all week for work--in fact never "talked" to me at all--just criticized.  When he died, it did not bother me at all and I felt nothing.

When I was young, I needed to seek love and attention of men outside of the family, which led to a certain level of promiscuity and ultimately date rape at age 16.  I still continue to look for father figures in the men that surround my life.

I would imagine that boys would suffer in somewhat the same way if raised by an n mother. 

Brigid

[Hopalong]

((((((Brigid))))))

 

Hops

[moonlight52]

Brigid ,I am so sorry this experience happened.I did not know that happened to you.I am so sorry.Parents are supposed to protect and when they do not its to much for a young one to bear.N dads are so destructive I do not know what moms are suppose to show and what dads are .I could never read about stuff like that in a detached way.So this shows how uninformed I am on subject.
Funny thing with out books or any one telling me what to do my hubby and I are huggy , supportive and very loving ,joke around kind of parents. We have have managed to do a lot right without books .  Just by a sort of love instinct.
Love Moon   

[Brigid]

Thanks, moon.  The constant criticism I suffered as a child made me so aware of the damaging effects of that, that I have barely been able to ever criticize my own children--even when they probably needed it.  They are wonderful kids, however, and I could not be more proud of the young adults they have become, so I guess the lack of criticism didn't hurt them any.  All the love I was never able to share as a child, I have poured out to them and they can never question or wonder how I feel about them. 

I'm glad you have such a loving relationship with your hubby and children.  It is truly a wonderful thing.

Hugs,

Brigid

[moonlight52]

HI YA  In all the years of talk therapy I guess the therapist assumed I knew basic things like fathers teach daughters personal power. What do I know .N-dad just called me up to invited me and my family to something where he needs what is left of his bio family to look good socially ,I hate it when he does that.
Moon

[moonlight52]

Hey TT I wish I could express myself as well as you do well anyway thank you for the sweet words they come straight into my heart. What a bunch we all are around here Huh ,I do feel such a feeling of kinship in the fact we have experienced
so much of the same and want to help each other along .Such kindness is why we are all here is it not .TT thanks
Hugs
Moon