How do you break up with your therapist??

[Avery]

Hi, all....

I have to go to therapy this morning and I'm dreading it.  I'm not sure if she is right for me and I may need a change.  While I like that she recommends books to read and journaling...lots of "homework", I think she is focusing on the wrong thing.  I've only seen her about 5-6 times.

I wrote before that she labelled my father an alcoholic, which I'm not sure is true.  He did drink too much, I guess, but he stopped completely and didn't seem to have any ill effects.  Now, she's harping on me about being an alcoholic.  While I definitely drank to excess in my younger days and I've had an "episode" about 3 months ago while drinking.  After that, I quit completely for awhile and eventually limited myself to 2 drinks at any occasion (if i drink at all).  Although I started sessions because of problems with my Nmom and grief over my father's death, all we seem to talk about is alcohol.  Am I in denial?  I definitely know that it's something I need to keep in check, but that seems like a really hefty label.  I know this is not really on the subject of this board, but I really could use some advice.  Should I break up with her?  How can I work this out with her????  This is so embarrassing!!!!    
Can anyone help?

Avery

[Anonymous]

Hello Avery,

Have you tried talking to her about this?  I have found that though it's difficult to tell a therapist that s/he has the wrong end of the stick, it can be enormously helpful--both to establishing trust and to taking the work where it needs to go.

It's possible that being a therapist virtually guarantees a certain arrogance--that is, the therapist is the professional and therefore "knows best" what should be talked about.  But that ain't necessarily so.  You are the consumer of this service, and you know whether you leave the session feeling full or empty.  If the therapist has the wrong agenda, it will not help you.  You will waste time and money and end up very confused.  I speak from experience.

You don't say whether you feel comfortable with this therapist, whether you think she is empathetic and intelligent...all the things that make for a good therapeutic relationship.  So I don't know how you feel about her other than that you think she's mistaken.  It sounds as though addiction is very much in her comfort zone.  She can deal with the fact that you may be the child of an alcoholic, but maybe it's a lot more difficult for her to feel competent dealing with the child of a narcissist.  That, of course, is just a guess.

I can't say whether you should "break up" with her, but I will say that if you talk to her about this and she is either unwilling to hear you or unable to shift her focus to your concerns, then you should get out of the relationship fast.  She simply may not be able to help you, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Best of luck.

Joyce

[Acappella]

Have you tried talking to her about this? ..... it can be enormously helpful--both to establishing trust and to taking the work where it needs to go

You don't say whether you feel comfortable with this therapist, whether you think she is empathetic and intelligent....... It sounds as though addiction is very much in her comfort zone.

I strongly second Joyce's feedback!  

Communicate and notice how you feel. (Oh, and therapists are people too with their own comfort and discomfort zones. Drat, makes me just wanna read "my" horoscope and skip therapy all together! )

Communicating directly with a therapist has been for me great training wheels for dealing with conflict (even just potential conflict) in the even more complex world outside of the therapist's office.   I believed in open communication theoretically though actually I didn't practice it much (still got a long way to go).  I was/am scared to be open about my concerns (in some areas of my life more or less than in other areas). Each time I face that fear I get just a tad better at doing so.  

A couple of books I recommend are "the man with the beautiful voice" and "the gift of therapy" each written by therapists about actual therapy sessions and the people in them.  Especially "The Gift of Therapy" as he writes about being confronted by a patient who disagrees with him and how important it is that it be part of the process.  I knew it and yet reading about being direct (voiceful) and actually doing it is how I've come to not only know it but also feel just how important it is too.  

take care.

[write]

great advice from Joyce et al.

My therapist discusses whatever I want to each session, I told her I know my own mind pretty well ( which I do except when dealing with N )
I try to go into each session with something prepared I want to look at- it's too wasteful just to sit wracking my brains, or to come out and think why didn't I mention that...

Take ownership of the next session, say you don't want to look at alcohol any more for now & want to discuss other issues, be specific if you can.
Her response will tell you whether you need to look for someone less prescriptive/ fixated.
It's your therapy!

Maybe she has issues about alcohol? eg if she's a member of several religious groups which promote total abstinence.

& if you're in the US there's a lot of anti-alcohol thinking and labelling regular ( or occasional binge ) drinkers 'alcoholic' which wouldn't happen in Europe for example, where the label would only be used where there are serious life or health consequences from the drinking.

If you do need to look at alcohol issues but don't want to be abstinent there's a book called Responsible Drinking by Fred Rogers and an organisation called Moderation Management which might help.

[write]

just re-read your post.
If you already decided she can't help you then I think it's fine just to call and cancel.

[Anonymous]

Oh, you are both so right!!!  I haven't expressed anything to her yet, as I kind of just had this revelation in the last week or so.  I read the addiction material she gave me last week and kinda went "Huh??".  I do like her and I think she has a lot of great points, just never considered that her forte may be addiction.  

The other side of this is HOW to tell her that I'm uncomfortable with that label and that I really need more help with my mother?    I am terrible with conflict (go figure) which is why I usually cut and run.  Your posts make me hopeful that I, too, will get better at dealing with conflict.  Thanks for the insight and the recommended reading.  If you can help me figure out how to approach with her (don't want to hurt her feelings), please help me get started!  I look forward to the day when I won't be such a chicken!!

BTW - I really like the idea about the horoscope...certainly would make things more simple

[Avery]

Sheesh, that last post was me!  Sorry.  Thank you, Write for the book reference.  I'm feeling better about things!  

Avery

[write]

look at this statement again, in context.

HER feelings?

What the hell responsibility are they for you?

If you are caretaking your therapist...it's time to move on.

[Portia Guest nologgedin]

Write's comments seconded. I haven't had a therapist yet, but your first post and the question:

Should I break up with her?

makes me ask what is this relationship? It ain't romantic! You're paying for a service - you don't want the service, you say so. Your therapist would soon drop you if you didn't pay the bills. I don't mean this in a demeaning way but if a prostitute didn't see a particular client again, would she/he be hurt??? No.
Remember too your therapist has lots of other clients; she'll get over it...

[Portia]

Sorry, I think that was a bit harsh of me. Avery, you asked how do you tell her? How about printing off these posts – copy into Word if you don’t want her to see your name etc – and just give her the paper to read? Don’t say anything, don’t apologise (you have nothing to feel bad about!), just see what she says?
Is there a 'rule' that says you always have to talk to your therapist? Why not hand over a print of your feelings and then discuss.
Also, what are your options for changing therapists? Are there many in your area?

[Anonymous]

Avery,

You've only seen this therapist 5-6 times. You don't owe her any future appointments if you feel the therapy isn't useful. You don't have to see her ever again. Here's what you do: leave her a phone message that you have thought about it; you are cancelling your next session and won't be back. Yes, she will return your call and want to know why. You can tell her that you just don't feel that it's helping and you want to check out other therapists. If she doesn't like it, too bad!!

bunny

[CC]

As usual, Bunny has the "to the point" good answer.  I agree!