I finally stood up for myself and boy do i feel good!
I recognise my Mum now for what she is (BPD or/and NPD) and cannot let her hurt me and my fiancé anymore with her emotional abuse. Instead I am trying to enforce rules and boundaries; this of course it’s still at its experimental stage. I’m making sure I always do ‘’the right thing’’. This is hard because sometimes it’s hard to know what the ‘’right thing’’ is as I have only known what she has made me believe. (The way ive been conditioned to think!) However you can decide what’s right and comfortable for you and your family to behave and stick to it. This is what i'm trying. For instance my Mum is giving me grief for not visiting her, she’s being totally irrational. I saw her xmas day, she rang me eleven days later to complain I had not spoken to her in a fortnight, she berated me, she started playing mind games, wouldn’t let me talk kept twisting my words and using guilt and shame to manipulate me, she thought if she made me guilty enough I would break and make her feel better for me not being around like I should do like a good little slave. I stuck to my guns and replied that I will ring her and/or see her at least once a month and she will not make demands on me in this way or punish me for not complying with her wants and needs. She slammed the phone down on me but I felt better! Since then ive been on this board, some of you maybe familar with my first post which was right after that last call. So, her birthday is coming up. I decided that on her birthday (today) I would send her a card, and ring her to wish her happy birthday. Most mothers would be pleased with a call and a card. Even after the abuse I had suffered the previous week I had to rise above it, and do what was right for me. I would feel good knowing I had sent my best wishes via phone and by the card. This obviously wasn’t good enough, but i knew it wouldnt be and i was armed,she wanted to know why I hadn’t been round. She assumed I would travel 30 miles to see her to ‘drop’ in like a good little school girl should ( I’m 31 by the way, in fulltime work, and live 25 miles away from her, and don’t drive), and then got mad at me cos she was wrong. I didn’t make excuses (as I usually did) and simply said that I thought a card and a phone call was suffice. She has again slammed the phone down on me, saying she surprised I had time to get a card. As per usual nothing I do is good enough. BUT I feel liberated. I finally stood up for not just myself but what was right and ‘normal’. I feel happy (though still a little guilty) that I have done this, I felt almost excited that for the first time in years (prob since age 13) that I have not let her manipulate me, draw me into a crazy argument, and listen to her drabble on about how bad I am to her and how everything is my fault (she suffers depression and has drinking problems). My fiancé was over the moon!, (he sits by me now when I make a call so I don’t get drawn into anything, and so I have a witness to what I say). After the call, I pulled the phone out of the hook (I have two lines) and have put the phone in a drawer. I will plug it back in three weeks, and if she doesn’t ring by end of week four I will call her. This will be to wish her well and hopefully just general chit chat (yeah right i’m kidding myself!!!) I will not have any conversation with her now until that time. and try to forget all about her and try and get on with m y life. Hopefully one day ill be strong enough to leave the phone plugged in, and not worry. But its one step at a time. I now probably sound like a control freak, but i’m actually regaining my control over my life.
Being on this board also helps; if it wasn’t for the great advice of others here (and my friends and fiancé) I would never have had the strength to do this! You all give lots of positive support and remind me I’m a nice person. One thing that made me turn round was being reminded she cannot really punish me, I don’t have to take it, I won’t suffer any severe consequences, cos I’m not a child.
This is really hard for me ill admit, but im told it gets easier!
HUGS
MISST
