Hi ~ Just joined the board

[Certain Hope]

Hi Seasons and thank you for the welcome! Looking forward to "reading" you again soon   

And hello to you, Sugarre!  Sorry, I just noticed your post ~ still getting used to all this, in between laundry and dishes, et all ~ lol. I dunno about brave, but thanks. Mostly I didn't want to run away from what I saw as a challenge to not only my faith but my communication skills. Besides, I do believe that anything worthwhile warrants a sincere investment of time, energy, and effort. This group and especially the people involved in it are most definitely worthwhile. To simply choose not to get involved did not seem like the loving thing to do. So here I am and very glad about it!

Sounds like overall you have benefited from the recent controversies here, although I know that stuff can surely be exhausting. It's kinda like growing pains, I guess. It's good to know that we can learn something from each and every person who crosses our path, regardless of our personal opinion of them. As a Christian, one of the toughest and most humbling lessons I've faced is accepting correction from a person I might consider an "enemy" (or at the least, obnoxious). Ugh. Painful, but necessary, lest I get stuck in a rut of pride (which after all is only a grave with an opening at each end).

By the way, I do believe that there are demons, but they're not N's (despite the similarity  )  I did used to wonder, though, whether N's even have a soul. I'd better go read some more now   Have a wonderful night!

Hope

[ANewSheriff]

Certain Hope,

Welcome.  It sounds like you are making progress everyday.  Do I understand you correctly?  Are you two years without chemicals?  If so, good for you.  Without self-medicating we really have to work hard on living with our raw emotions.  I hope you find some support and an outlet for your feelings, questions, hopes, and desires here.

I do also hope that you will allow yourself the liberty to express  yourself without much self-editing, as well.  As you eluded to, this is a journey.  An emotional journey implies that we will, at times, muddle through some things and make some errors in thinking, communicating, action and deed.  My hope for you is that you will feel the freedom to do that here.

ANewSheriff     

[petra]

Hi Certain Hope,
Welcome. I am very glad that you did decide to post on this board. I have only been posting for a week but i have found it to be a wonderfully warm and supportive place. I am sure you will too
Again...Welcome

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Petra    Thanks for the welcome and welcome to you, as well! Just realized in some of my reading here this afternoon that you are a new member, as well. In reading some of the postings, I've found myself feeling helpless to respond with anything that could really make a difference to those who are hurting. Yours was an account with which I could identify, but words failed me when I attemped to reply. Guess I still have some mental (emotional?) blockages to sort through in order to get things flowing in proper order. I plan to return to your post later and attempt to respond from the heart, which is sometimes easier said than done, I'm finding.

Hello, Sheriff and thank you for your words    At times the progress seems quite slow and halting, but I do think I'm on more of an even keel now. Yes, 2 years without alcohol and I'm happy to say that I rarely think of it anymore, although there are moments when I crave a drink....  usually when confronted with some issue involving conflict. When I was drinking, I thought that it freed me to express my emotions more openly. I would store everything up and stew on it, thinking that I could never express anger or face any sort of conflict without a few drinks under my belt. Which probably explains why reading some of the stuff on this board sparks a faint longing for a drink 
It's interesting that you picked up on the self-editing bit. I had not even realized it, but maybe that's why I've been unable to respond to many of the posts here on the board... out of fear that someone would take offense or misunderstand. Since I'm new, I'd feel like I was barging into someone else's business to say what I really feel. Trying to hold the position: if you don't have anything "nice" to say, don't say anything at all. It appears that one thing which really tends to shut me down emotionally (and in every other way) is any sort of bullying type behavior. This is sometimes evidenced, I think, by one person who continually speaks (types) above the rest, as though from a position of superiority, always bringing the entire matter back to them as though the they are the center of the universe. That is just downright irritating, especially when there are so many people who are honestly trying to grow up and grow out of the effects of abuse. Perhaps the next time I feel that, I'll recognize what's going on and be able to express it. Thanks to your encouragement, I think that may be possible.
God bless you.
Hope

[Brigid]

Hi Hope,
Welcome.  It sounds like you are well on your way to finding a place of peace and comfort.  Congratulations on the 2 years of sobriety.  We share the life with n husbands and now finding a new life without them.  It certainly is sweeter.

I have enjoyed reading your posts and look forward to learning more about you.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Its_a_changin]

Certain Hope, I also have voices from the past  running through my head.  I think the symptom is called 'racy thoughts'.  I have had them for a long time even before I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  I felt the thoughts haunt me and sometimes I become obsessed that this is what I am going to live through the rest of my life.  I went through some therapy and turned them around.  I abandoned the practice and shouldn't have.  More therapy is what I need.

[ANewSheriff]

Certain Hope:

Yes, 2 years without alcohol and I'm happy to say that I rarely think of it anymore, although there are moments when I crave a drink....  usually when confronted with some issue involving conflict.

That is just fabulous.  I am very proud of you.  I just celebrated my 21st year without any substances (errr, if you do not count white, refined sugar and caffeine, that is).  I married someone in recovery so we have walked this path together for a very long time.  I do not think I would have made it without that support and accountability - heavy emphasis on the accountability.  I hope you have a good support system.

Certain Hope:

That is just downright irritating, especially when there are so many people who are honestly trying to grow up and grow out of the effects of abuse.

   

No matter where I am in life, I sometimes have to remind myself to try and hear the message and ignore the messenger.  We come to these places with all sorts of baggage and insecurities.  My hope is that there is more mercy for our shortcomings than judgment against them.  Shortcomings are most repairable, after all.  Most of us are searching for growth, education, and enlightenment.  We are all just making our ways.

ANewSheriff     

[Certain Hope]

Dear Sheriff,

   I definitely do not count white, refined sugar, caffeine, or chocolate, for that matter  Drinking hazelnut coffee even as I type and contemplating an almond Hershey bar that keeps beckoning to me from the frig. Thanks for your encouraging words and congratulations to you also on your long-term success in beating addictions! What a blessing   You are absolutely right about accountability, too, and I'm very thankful to have the solid support of my husband and our church family (Our pastor's last name is Sheriff, by the way  )
I must add here that I've only been remarried for just shy of 2 years, after a horrible go-round with an NPD ex-husband who knew absolutely no limits. I believe that the Lord knew I couldn't climb out of the pit that man dug for me without a special provision. He continued stalking me, even after our divorce (which HE filed for) and even though I had a protective order against him. But in the midst of all that mess, God sent me this wonderful man who is now my husband, with his gentle kindness and tender manner of speaking the truth in love. In my case, it simply struck me one day that I no longer had any reason to drink. I was free.
Not yet free from my own critical spirit or impatience or lack of mercy toward those I find annoying, though. Still plenty of self-centeredness to purge out of my own system without going around judging others for their bad attitudes. You speak the truth and mercy is key. Many thanks for your gentle correction; it's gone a long way toward adjusting my attitude

Hi, Changin,  I'm sorry if those racy thoughts are still haunting you. It can be very disconcerting, I know, when it seems as though your thoughts are not your own. But these voices of darkness and death cannot tolerate the light of truth... they need to get out of our heads! With me now, it's far less often anymore, and usually the "trigger" seems to be a word or phrase... something an abuser from my past used to say, for instance. Or if I'm in a situation where I've failed, let someone down, for instance... I'll hear in my head the degrading words of someone else, trying to tear me down, even though that person is long gone. I do believe that with practice, we can learn to rebuke those lying thoughts and "voices" and live only in the present. One thing that really sticks with me now is that I refuse to let someone else define me. What snaps me out of the old ruts is getting deeper into the assurance that God accepts me as I am, and HE loves me too much to leave me in the pits. He loves you too, Changin, and I trust that you will overcome this leftover rubbish and live free.

Hello, Brigid,  It's my pleasure to "meet" you and thank you for the welcome   I was only married three years to the NPD husband, but it seemed more like 30    Before that ~ 15 years of marriage to a man who practiced various forms of abuse and without whom, I did not think I could survive. Almost didn't survive. Who'd have guessed it was possible to not only survive but to thrive??   Freedom from fear is sweet indeed!  I thank God daily for rescuing me from that and for saving me from ... myself.

Hope

[penelope]

hi guys,

welcome newbies 

I have not had any alcohol in a year and a half and I don't miss it!  Not even when I get stressed out.  That stuff was so poisonous to me, I only have bad memories of the alcohol induced rages I was spun into with just a little bit of alcohol.  I actually don't have much anxiety about Not going there again.  My anxiety primarily comes from my family - not being supported, not being understood, having to walk away because it was not healthy.

hugs to Certain Hope, petra and It's a Changin for having the courage to come to this board.  Healing past hurts is not easy, I know.  It's a process and I often stumble and have fallen on my face a few times.  But that's OK, cause I'm human and I'm allowed. 

Sometimes I wonder where my courage comes from, do you?  Does anyone have any ideas on this?

penelope

[gratitude28]

Welcome Certain,
I too am a coffee addict... and an alcoholic of the recovering kind. This board has been very helpful in digging through some issues I need to get a grip on in order to move along my path. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Beth

[Portia]

Mud,
thank you lots for your explanation. I could have read ten times and still not understood it. Thanks.

Don't we all have some type of framework that we relate and respond to others through and is it not usually helpful to know what that framework is? Yes. Although some days I think about my framework and it’s too much.
 

Certain Hope,
I’m sorry for responding to you negatively.
 I had a sense that you were "writing me off" as "just another Christian". I didn’t understand your words and I felt as though you were rejecting me as a non-Christian. I know different now.

I'm often mistaken in thinking that I've made myself clear when actually a person would have to be a mindreader to get my point
I think that applies to me more than you. I think you were clear; I misread and misinterpreted. I’ll just beat myself up some more about that I think. The more I think, so much less do I understand and it feels like a huge struggle, some days like a paralysis. But it used to be worse! So that’s okay then.


Penelope
Where does courage come from? For me, believing there is no other alternative other than death (so what’s the point in being afraid?); and also believing that I have no intrinsic value (strangely enough), so I may as well do what I feel drawn towards. Being worthless allows for a playful attitude to life somehow? Otherwise I think I would take it too seriously. Being worthless is not necessarily always a bad thing! I mean worthless to mean – “nothing really matters”; i.e. everything is worthless and I am no different to everything. I guess it’s the same as thinking everything is of equal value, I just skewed it a bit, it’s what I decided for myself a long time ago, as a way of coping. I guess that’s my belief framework!

[ANewSheriff]

CH: 

Not yet free from my own critical spirit or impatience or lack of mercy toward those I find annoying, though. Still plenty of self-centeredness to purge out of my own system without going around judging others for their bad attitudes.

Do you think that there are times when this might work for you?  When you are critical or judgmental because your gut is telling you something is very wrong?  I have participated in self-flogging in the past and realized after the fact that in spite of the ugliness that judgmentalness incites, it is sometimes a strong warning sign.

 If I am that critical of something, it is either reflective of something I am struggling with myself or it is an indicator that something is way outside my range of "okayness".  I must be careful making this distinction, but there are times that this represents boundary issues are being threatened or tromped on and that means it is time for this sheriff to get out of Dodge!         

ANewSheriff

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi CH, Petra & It's a changin

Welcome to the board... looking forward to reading your posts.

Take care

H&H xx

[movinon]

Hi certain hope and welcome!!!


I want to comment on the alcohol.  I haven't had a drink in, I think 5 years.  My dad was an alcoholic and I know that I have an 85% chance of becoming one myself (both brothers are).

It was a hard transistion, b/c I had to switch from my drinking buddies to other buddies that accepted that I didn't drink.  Now when people question me as to why I don't drink, I tell them it's b/c I break out...doors, windows etc.  Of course ther are many answers, but that's the way I like to address that.  They ALWAYS drop it after that.

Movinon

[Sela]

Hi Hope:

I finally got a chance to read your introductory thread (and since it's been bumped to the top by spam, I noticed it and thought I'd post to you some of my thoughts).

I used to be very shy and preferred to stay in my shell rather than try to  communicate with anyone. There was so much I didn't understand that it seemed I would never be able to feel like anything but an oddball. That's changed alot since my dealings with the narcissists in my life.

Glad to hear this positive outcome from what I bet was a not nice journey.  That's great that you can see some good from all you've been through and take note of it.  Good for you!! 

there are plenty of Scriptural admonitions to never argue with foolish people,  lest you lose a limb in the process 

Yes, I like reading these too sometimes.  I do have a hard time though, telling who's foolish?  Half the time it's me. 

Some of the best advice I've ever received is:  Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut   Of course, I all too often have failed to heed that wisdom

We have the same failure in common. 

When my best efforts were not enough to heal my family, I felt completely useless and empty... like an utter failure. It was hope, walking hand in hand with faith,  that brought me back to life and light.

Boy, can I relate to this.  Been there and done that too.  ((((((((((((Hope))))))))))))  Glad you made it!!

I do believe that anything worthwhile warrants a sincere investment of time, energy, and effort.

I have a similar belief (one a grade school teacher "learned" me):

Nothing worthwhile is easy.

I refuse to let someone else define me.

I don't like it when I feel like someone is trying to so this either.  More we have in common eh?

I had not even realized it, but maybe that's why I've been unable to respond to many of the posts here on the board... out of fear that someone would take offense or misunderstand.

And then I misunderstood and took offense. 

Sorry again, Hope.

Looking forward to less of that and to more pleasurable exchanges.

A warm welcome!

Sela