What are good ‘board’ manners to you?

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth,
Respectfully, I would hate for the whole board to get all cramped up over what it's okay to talk about.

IMO, almost any subject is okay. Rambling around topics in a relaxed way is one delightful feature of the safety I feel here.

What matters to me is the tone of the board, which is almost always friendliness, benevolent intention, true listening and supportiveness, and mutual respect. There are exceptions, but they usually smooth away after a little effort.

Disrespect and contemptuous tone and dogmatic insistence on one's own view are what sink communication, imho, not the subject matter.

I do want to talk about N issues but I think there are many branches and side-currents to N issues that may seem unrelated...and I'd hate to lose the spontaneous trust I feel to just sit down and type about my life, or respond to someone else's.

Loving intent and self-control of anger ... when those are in place, I think whoever's posting is okay. And it's important to remember, I think, that the only posts we can control are our own. (Richard also takes responsibility as moderator for protecting the board, so there is a safety valve in him.)

Other than that, I think the best response to hostility or serious aggression is no response. I think the action of not responding is more effective than more words about it. That's just my take on it...best I can do.

Hops

[Hopalong]

I do agree, Bean. Thanks for the word sensitivity.

People is a much better term than "plank"!

 

Thanks,
Hops

[Sela]

One thing that bugs me is when posts get deleted to which I have replied, leaving my post there....hanging....sort of.....confusing to the rest of the thread, like I was hallucinating when I posted or something.

However, I do understand that the option is there for all and so I could just remove my lonely, little post and all would be well again.

But something stops me from doing that.  It's like trying to make reality disappear by clicking my mouse a few times.  It doesn't go away.  It did really happen and I leave the posts there.....as a reminder to me that I wasn't hallucinating but responding to a post.......that is now gone.  Someone else made their reality disappear.  Not mine.

And I don't care how it makes me look to leave those posts of mine there but it does bug me, when I first see the original is gone.

My stuff.  Oh well.  Not a biggie so I guess I'll live.

  Sela

[reallyME]

Sela,

I hope it wasn't I who left your post hanging.  I was asked to remove my posts from the board, so I did.  I believe in following rules.  I didn't mean to leave you hanging at all.  I just wanted to stop "the Insanity" and start again

[Brigid]

Sela,

One thing that bugs me is when posts get deleted to which I have replied, leaving my post there....hanging....sort of.....confusing to the rest of the thread, like I was hallucinating when I posted or something.

I totally agree with this.  I have felt a little crazed lately thinking--what the heck happened to that whole discussion.  I think it's fine if someone wants to lock their thread to stop a discussion, if it is proving to become abusive or unproductive, but I do have a problem with the whole discussion being erased as if it never happened.

Brigid

[reallyME]

Sela, Brigid,

I'm not sure if you saw my other post.  I was asked to delete all my past posts that everyone was having issue with, so I did.  I didn't delete them, intending to "erase time"...I HATE that too, personally....One of the things Jodi said to me at one time was, "I can just erase the time at the cabin with you, as though it never happened...I really can, Laura"  I remember that creepy feeling I had when she said that and I realized she was not kidding.

Laura

[Portia]

Hi Laura,

just to clarify, did you delete the whole thread 'Ns on this board'?

I know it's possible for us to delete our own threads now (it didn't used to be).

[reallyME]

Portia,

I went back and deleted everything that said ReallyME, including the threads I started, as Dr G asked me to.

L

[Portia]

Thanks Laura, understood 

(Sela - that's how your posts and others get deleted, by the thread 'owner' deleting the whole thing - different from how it used to be)

[Sela]

Hi P:

Thanks for the explanation.  Yes, it is different than from before and I totally get why Dr. G would ask for certain threads/posts to be deleted.   People may also have their own reasons for deleting posts, which I respect and accept.  I do understand all of that.

As I said, it's my stuff.  It comes down to my posts that are left there and what to do.  I could delete them too but something inside me says I cannot delete history.   It's no big deal.  It's just the way my brain works.

I guess it becomes a bigger deal when people post rude, mean, insulting or taunting posts and I reply to them and they get deleted.  Then it looks like no rude, mean, insulting or taunting post was ever made and like I've lost my noodle.    I don't care if I look like I've flipped my lid but the way the insentive for my post just disappears.....does bug me.   The person doing the rude, mean, insulting or taunting posting kinda gets away with it.

There probably isn't an easy way to avoid this so I should just quit whinning and find something else to do.

  Sela

[Portia]

Hiya Sela, I've been mean, rude and insulting in my time here and I haven't got away with it...not because of deleted posts or anything to do with the board...but because of my great big fat conscience and tendency to feel guilt for as long as it takes. But that's not such a bad thing! Good guilt is a necessary regulator eh? So maybe they don't get away with it. Maybe they feel guilt, or maybe they feel shame or maybe if they're like the people who drive us to find this place...they're so ...empty that feeling anything really positive (like true guilt or real sadness) would be a bonus. ?

[Sela]

Hi P:

Ya.  Maybe.  Or maybe they get what they want.....the opportunity to hurt and not have any proof visible.

Abusers tend to lean in that direction, don't you think?

Anyway, you're positive spin on it is worth keeping in mind.  Thanks P.

Sela

[Marta]

Insert Quote
Sela,


Quote
One thing that bugs me is when posts get deleted to which I have replied, leaving my post there....hanging....sort of.....confusing to the rest of the thread, like I was hallucinating when I posted or something.


I totally agree with this.  I have felt a little crazed lately thinking--what the heck happened to that whole discussion.  I think it's fine if someone wants to lock their thread to stop a discussion, if it is proving to become abusive or unproductive, but I do have a problem with the whole discussion being erased as if it never happened.

Brigid

Hi Brigid,

I am with you all the way in your post. I really thought that LB's post should have been responded too, instead of being deleted. By whoever who wanted to respond to it, of course.  

Marta

[Portia]

Hi just a quick point about delete versus lock threads etc. If you post a thread, it's your decision whether you want to lock it or delete it or whatever. Only the original poster has that option (along with Dr G I suppose). i checked this out because I got freaked by threads disappearing a while back. i thought I was going bananas. But no (for once I wasn't), it's just a feature of this board it seems, and we all have the option to do it. You can check it by looking at one of your own threads, the options are bottom-left-hand-side. Hope that explains.

PS Is it right or wrong? i dunno. It's just a feature of the software.

[Brigid]

Portia,
Yes, I understand that the program allows for the poster to delete or lock their own threads, I just don't necessarily agree with it (the locking part is OK, but deleting--I'm not sure).  What is written here becomes a part of the history of what has taken place here.  I think there is benefit to looking back on discussions--no matter how delicate or potentially disruptive they may have been at the time.

If it's true that Dr. G asked that those posts be deleted in their entirety, I guess he has his reasons and I am not in a position to debate that, but I'm not sure that I understand the benefit.

Like Sela, I guess this is my problem, and I need to move beyond it and accept that people will say whatever they like and delete whatever they like of their own words.

Brigid