Rejected

[Jazz]

Hi,
I would so appreciate some help.For several years I have had a very close friend. He was always volatile, selfish and moody, but at other times we had a loving, fun and I thought very special connection. For a while I have  suspected that he could be a narcissist, but I made allowances for him,and really loved him.
A short time ago I told him that he was a very special friend to me, but that I had to set a couple of simple boundaries. For him to honour these would have needed just a little effort on his part. For years he has been telling me how much I mean to him. I told him that if he could not fulfil the simple request I was now making, that I would have to end the friendship.
His reaction has killed me. He said that I should do whatever made me happy, that he has let me down but that there is nothing he can do to meet my requests,and that I made the right choice (to end the friendship.)
Without any word of warmth, remorse, or sorrow at losing my loyal friendship, he finished by saying that he would never contact me again.He to ld me this in an email, to which I haven't replied.
I am distraught. To my mind we were the closest of friends, but he seems to have turned off the feelings he said he had for me, from undying love to absolute coldness. I look back on all the good times we had together and wonder what the hell was going on. Doesn't he even miss me, or want to know how I am?
Can somebody help me please?

[Portia nologgedin]

Hi Jazz, what were those simple boundries you set? Were they simple to him or did you inadvertently push some buttons? Do you know? ... Portia not logged in

[Jazz]

Thanks Portia.
The boundaries were around things like when we met. Eg. He would say 'I'll meet you between 2pm and 5pm.' I told him that I thought I deserved more respect than to be fitted into a time slot like that. It took me a long time to express the way that this sort of arrangement made me feel...for some reason I was terrified of his reaction. Even when we had an arrangement like this, he would always contact me while I was on my way to meet him,to say he would be late, although I was normally the one making the longer journey. I told him, but in a caring way, that he was one of my best-loved friends, and that I thought I deserved better than that.But I feel now as if the first time I asked him to think of it from my point of view, he just threw up his hands and moved on. His words were;'You are right...I can no longer give you what is required.'
Any help or insight please? Thanks so much.

[Portia nologgedin]

Oh dear Jazz. Do you miss him? Did/do you love him? Was this a romantic friendship that you thought may have gone further? What did you expect from the relationship and did it conflict with what he wanted? P

[mcginnis40]

Hi Jazz,

It's hard to say whether your friend is a narcissist (given how little you've revealed about him), but one thing seems pretty clear to me:  It's your job in this friendship to do what he wants, and when you challenge that--even a little, and with a clear and reasonable request--he ends the friendship.

I think, maybe, that you owe it to the friendship (if it was as valuable to you as you say) to try to respond to his e-mail.  Reinforce that you care very much for him and want to continue the friendship, but not at any price.  Maybe tell him that your refusal to play entirely by his rules is part of a bigger change in your life (if it is)--that you're not going to play entirely by anybody's rules, not just his.  It might be worth it to keep the door open just a little longer, but please don't retract your original statement.  It probably took a lot of courage to make it.  Please don't decide that wasn't worth the effort.  If this person won't respect your rights, then maybe the friendship was entirely one-sided.

You would be completely justified in firing off an e-mail wherein you accuse him of being childish, selfish, and ridiculous.  But I think that would pretty much end any chance of continuing the friendship.  So, on balance, I would say--give your friend a chance to reconsider and behave like an adult.  If he won't, then that's his problem.  I know, I know...easier said than done.  But having found your voice in this relationship, don't give it away.

Regards,
Joyce

[CC - not logged in]

Hello,

I was wondering the same as Portia... if you were not possibly on some level hoping for more of a commitment than friendship. Not because you expect respect (this should be a given) but that it seemed so easy for him to say "I can't meet those expectations".  I don't even know him, nor the details of the relationship... however it almost appears he is (sorry, but) relieved to be able to use this boundary you set as an excuse to not have the relationship be two ways... as if he picked up on some hidden thing that you might have been expecting more and didn't want to bring it up until you did.

I also think this because you put up with those loose terms for so long and then you probably realized that you weren't happy... why?  perhaps it would be good to reflect on this before labeling him a narcissist... unless you see this same behavior exhibited toward other people in his life as well.    In any event, even if he is not a narcissist per se, his behavior is not acceptable.

Hope I am not coming accross as harsh - just contemplative.

[Jazz]

Hi, Many thanks for all your thoughtful replies! There's a lot for me to think about, so if I can take it in parts, and maybe come back another time...
The relationship used to be a romantic one, but it was very long-distance and didn't work out, so we decided to be just friends.
I hear what you say about maybe he is relieved on some level, that I set boundaries he couldn't meet, which gave him a wayout.But I have tried before to pull back from him, because things were often unsatisfactory to me, and on those occasions he always got in touch with me after a few days, saying eg 'Have you forgotten your great friend?' 'Aren't I special anymore/are you too busy for me now?' ETC.
He can be cruel in an offhanded and casual sort of way, and without thinking how what he says/does could affect me, so although I miss him terribly, I am reluctant to contact him, because he could be very hurtful,reject my approach, or ignore me completely. I feel I had the right to ask him for something at last, but with this kind of attitude he could really make me suffer for it.
But as I said, I do miss him...very confused.
Thanks again for your ideas.

[Jazz]

PS. All through our relationship it has been very difficult to feel secure with him. As you say, I don't know if he is a N, all I can say is that trying to make sense of his sometimes bizarre and contradictory behaviour, the N traits which I have read about seem to describe him to a tee.
Maybe I'm putting 2 and 2 together and making 5, but the fact that my boundary-setting and threat to leave the relationship has lead to him saying he will never contact me again makes me wonder...I have heard that a N can completely abandon a loved one , maybe in this sort of case?
Overnight he changed from expressing his lifelong admiration for me, to a very cold-sounding 'OK,bye then.'

[Jazz]

Thank you Jacmac. I can see exactly what you mean, that this is a way of him keeping control right to the end, and saving his own emotional turmoil.
But, if he didn't want me to abandon him, why didn't he make any attempt tp give me the concessions I requested? It seemed that faced with one of my first ever requests to take my feelings into account, he took an easy way out.
I am in a lot of pain over the ending of this relationship; I thought that it was special to both of us.Also I don't know how to mourn it:
IF he is a N, following his own interests to the end, I feel I have to deal with the fact that the whole friendship was a con, that I was being exploited, and that all his many loving words were meaningless.as I said, much of his behaviour sounds like that of a N.
On the other hand, if he's not a N, maybe I should mourn the fact that in his eyes the relatsh was not worth fighting for, that it had run its course, and his reaction to my requests was just rather selfish; he just didn't think it worth putting himself to any trouble to save it.
It is very difficult to make sense of what has happened, and how he might be feeling now. Is it true that a N can just discount sb overnight, without giving them another thought, especially if he/she has other sources of devotion, as my friend does?
If I sounded serious to him about ending the friendship, would a N accept this,  and be perfectly able to disappear FOREVER?
I really thank you for any help you can give me with these questions.Reading the other posts, I realise that I'm not in as bd a situation as many of the other posters, who are even in danger.It's just that I am spending  24/7 trying to make sense of what has happened.
I appreciate all your support.

[Portia]

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[Anonymous]

Jarmac,

The solution is to invite people to dinner on your birthday, plan it exactly as you want it, and make it special for yourself. You will be far happier if you stop expecting and wishing for others to carry out your birthday wishes.

[Anonymous]

Jazz,

You gave your friend some baseline conditions and he couldn't meet them, so you ended the friendship. That is fair enough. But you seem to expect him to fight for the friendship even though you ended it. Not everyone is willing to fight, especially if they still can't carry out your baseline conditions. I think you may want to let this friend go. He's not what you want in a friend anyway.

[Jazz]

Thank you so much for sharing your opinions, and for your concern about my situation. I'll try to clarify a few things, and would love to know what you think.
1. the special connection I referred to: my friend and I used to talk for hours, about so many different things. Reading a book, we always found it was the same passages that said sth special to us. When we were out together, there seemed to be a sort of magnetism between us;we never stopped, talking arguing and laughing.
2. The flip side to the above. For almost all our relationship, I never felt secure in it; I always felt on edge, and that I had to be very careful about expressing my own feelings.It's hard to say exactly why; his response to me on diffeent days was unpredictable; often he said very loving things, but he could also be very dismissive and rude.I would not have accepted this from any other friend, but then talking to and being with him made me blissfully happy.Things were never just average between us; I either felt ecstatic, or desperately unsure of him.
3.So this was the background to our final conversations, about a month ago.I had been feeling for a very long time that sth had to change. I had tried everything I could to feel on an even keel in our relationship, but nothing had made me feel better.
4. I didn't plan to give him an ultimatum.About a month ago we were having an ordinary phone conversation, and I casually brought up the request I wanted to make of him.He said that he could not fulfil it, so I let the matter drop.
A couple of days later,I phoned him again.I half intended to end the friendship when I started the call, but I was secretly hoping that he would say sth that would make it possible for me to continue it.After some trivial chat, I asked him again if he could grant my request, but he said no, the situation had not changed, that there was nothing he could do, and that I should do whatever made me happy.I told him that my other friends did not put the limits in friendship that he did, but that he was one of my most-loved friends, and that this didn't seem right to me.

[Jazz]

(Sorry it's still me.)
I was hurt and shocked that there seemed to be no attempt in him to grant my request, or even to try and meet me halfway, although he must have known I was serious. And this is sb who had told me 2 days earlier that I was next to his mother in his heart, meant the world to him ,etc.
Anyway, I told him that I would have to end the friendship, but that if he could find a way round it, to let me know.I certainly did not intend to present him with an ultimatum, and I don't think that I did.
In the past I would always have called him back to sort out a difficult situation, but this time I knew that for once I had to stick to my guns.
Two days later he emailed to say that he agreed with my decision, how much he loved me, and may God look after me.
When you ask why I expected him to fight to keep the friendship, when I had ended it., I see what you are saying.I am just trying to express my hurt and shock;literally for years he had been saying loving things to me;but when ,for almost the first time, I asked him to do sth to make me feel better, and sth that would just have been a small inconvenience to him,he did not do anything.
To make matters worse, I am very confused now about what I have done, and I don't know if even this is part of the spell that he had cast over me.I worry about if he is hurt, angry with me, or just completely indifferent.Yes, by our 'special connection' you would think I would know how he would be feeling, but his sudden coldness and lack of action makes me wonder if there is sth in his character that I did not see before.This possibility makes me wonder if the whole relationship was a lie.I spent a long time trying to keep him as happy as possible, and now I feel that perhaps he never cared about me.I would at least feel better if I knew that he could look back with pleasant memories of me, but I don't feel certain about a single thing anymore.I don't know how to feel better about all these possibilities, because if I contact him, he is capable of being dismissive, remote or nasty, and I don't want to leave myself open to that.
I don't feel certain of anything now.He certainly seems to have a lot of N traits;I don't know if that would explain his behaviour during the relationship, and now...it all seems so contradictory. I'm so taken aback that I even doubt sometimes whether I should have asked him for the favour I did. IF I hadn't done that at least we would still have been meeting, etc......but then I was so unhappy as well!
What a mess! Can anyone shine any light on this for me?
Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I spent a long time trying to keep him as happy as possible....literally for years he had been saying loving things to me;but when ,for almost the first time, I asked him to do sth to make me feel better, and sth that would just have been a small inconvenience to him,he did not do anything

Actions speak louder than words.  IMHO relationships are about give and take, and I stand by my opinion that you did nothing wrong in asking for what you wanted.  A relationship where one person is doing most of the caring and the other is just receiving is emotionally damaging and draining.  You start to feel as if you do not have a right to ask for anything, as if your asking for something is an imposition, as if it is too much of a burden.

I'm so taken aback that I even doubt sometimes whether I should have asked him for the favour I did. IF I hadn't done that at least we would still have been meeting, etc......but then I was so unhappy as well!

Often times we hold on to relationships because we're afraid of the emptiness that we will have to face if that relationship is gone.  We are unwilling to let the relationship go for fear that we will be missing out on something.  But ask yourself, if this relationship has made you feel desperately unsure of yourself, unhappy, uncertain,  insecure, if you have tried everything you can to feel on an even keel in our relationship, but nothing has made you feel better, then why, why, why do you want to hold on to it?  

He has told you to do whatever you can to make yourself happy, and if you read through this thread, you will see that you have confessed that he hasn't made you all that happy.   You have said,

he is capable of being dismissive, remote or nasty, and I don't want to leave myself open to that

So you may be uncertain about a lot of things, but you are clear on some things.  In my situations, I have never ended friendships with anyone.  I have explained to them in a loving and honest way, whether they are able to hear it or not, that the relationship does not nurture me, and that hurts me, and because I cannot continue to hurt myself, I must distance myself from the relationship.  I stopped doing all the things I was doing to maintain the relationship, and I let the relationship take care of itself.


Now, IMO if "my friend" valued the relationship, she would make the initiate to keep the lines of communication going, but if because she didn't, that makes it very clear to me that the relationship was not important enough for her to actually try and make it satisfactory, not just to her but to me as well.  

That doesn't mean I never speak to the person again.  As a matter of fact, I recently ran into her in the library, we spoke, we went out and got a bite to eat with the kids.  I could tell she was uncomfortalbe and nervous, and unsure of what to say, but you know what, that was her problem and not mine.  It was no longer my job to make sure she was okay.  I still love her.  I love her from a distance, because that is safer for me, and because I love myself more.