why the silence? or voicelessness?

[sjkravill]

I went to Take Back the Night this year...  which helped me to break the silence about my abusive relationship, and the rape in my marriage... I suddenly had a story to tell, and truth that I had to get out.  I had to tell the truth for my sake and for the sake of others who are silent. Sometimes the truth was not coherent, but came in the form of poetry.   
Whether rape is an issue or not, I would suspect that many people who have relationships with Ns could also classify those relationships as abusive in some way (whether it is emotionally or physically, or sexually or mind screwing) with my NH it was a little bit of everything.  I wonder now, why I was really silent for so long... why I would fake a smile and say things were OK when they weren't.  For a while I came to this board, and could tell the truth, and then I stopped. Then, it was like waking up, and feeling like I'd been lying to everyone, myself included.  It seems kind of like a mystery to me. 

I continue to try to figure out what is behind the silence?

Shame... Ns are good at putting responsibility on others. You think somehow if he is beating the shit out of you or whatever its your fault, and you hate yourself for it, deeply.

Pain itself is so inarticulate sometimes it can only be communicated in the form of a trembling body.  You don't have words. 

Or more shame... you hate yourself so much that your self-hate is too unsightly for anyone else to witness, so you isolate...

Shame for staying with someone who makes you invisible...

Maybe no one would believe you because your N is so damn charming.  My N convinced our therapist I was nuts.  Maybe he would get people to conspire with him. 

I was scared of him, but had convinced myself that I was crazy for being scared....

Lack of safety.... something about how safety is a primary need, and something like honesty is secondary to safety??? Like maybe you learned early on that honesty would get you in big trouble.  You had to lie to yourself and everyone else to survive... There was no other safe alternative.  Denial is productive, to some extent... it's a wierd thing....
But Gosh when I was over there (even with a friend present) I could not stand up to him and call him out on things in the way that I wanted to. I froze, my mind blanked....  I loose my voice in his presence. Safety is an issue.  Thank God I am done encountering him.   

I started talking to a friend when I was ready to get out, and I knew I had to get out soon.  But even then, it took months before I could verbalize the extent of the awfulness, the details.  She said she always knew things were worse than I let on, but didn't know if she would ever know just how much worse. Take Back the Night unlocked things somehow... 

Do these resonate?  Any other reasons you can think of??   
How do you break the silence???

I've started it very, very gradually (starting with this board a few years ago and now, more intensely in my voice to my friends).... But my parents and people closest to me still don't know everything they cant.  I can't tell my parents because it would break their hearts...  Do you protect your family members from awful truths?  Why? I am trying to figure out if my family is wierd, or if that's normal.  Have you ever gone against the family culture and told?  What happened?

[Certain Hope]

Dear Sj,

   I just wanted to thank you for sharing this and to say that you have a wonderful gift of expression. I'm almost afraid to read you too closely, lest I remember too well how it felt to disappear into the haze of living with N. My ex-husband had the effect on me of annhilating nearly everything I ever believed to be true. The experience is as close as I'm able to imagine to emotional, mental, spiritual rape and now when I try to write about it, I almost have to step outside of myself to get a few words out.
   Shame must be a big factor. N is indeed a master at pointing out others' flaws and faults. N's target comes to know that articulating anything to him is an exercise in futility, because if you say the sky is blue, he'll insist it's purple with orange pokadots, simply because he can. You say:

For a while I came to this board, and could tell the truth, and then I stopped. Then, it was like waking up, and feeling like I'd been lying to everyone, myself included.  It seems kind of like a mystery to me. 

I remember experiencing that. At first the realization of what I was dealing withbrought such relief that it was almost cathartic to talk about it. But then the horror of the hopelessness of the whole mess hit home and I know that I shut down for a time. It was as though my system was on overload and simply blew a fuse. Just a normal phase of the whole process of recovery, I think now.

When a person with whom you are in intimate relationship makes a practice of repeatedly pulling the rug of reality out from under you, it seems natural that you'd be fearful to even take a step. When every word you say is distorted, denied, mocked, and derided, you learn to remain silent. After a time, even the thought processes which would form the words are halted. That's where I was. It's almost like, what else can he take from me? There's nothing left.

Thank God indeed you don't have to encounter him anymore. I'm so glad for you that this program you've found has released your voice and freed you to speak of what was unspeakable. One thing that's helped me alot through the years of recovery is recognizing that the way he treated me, well... he was really doing that to himself. My silence began in shock and disbelief that there could be a human being who would behave this way. It ended when I chose life over being absorbed into his living death. Can't really comment on the issue of telling family... personally, I'd pray on that one.

With love,
Hope



   

[Hopalong]

Dear SJ,
I too find you extremely articulate. And your story horrifying. Thank you for sharing it.
That takes away some of the horror right there (for me)--just seeing how clearly you can say what happened. I think that's the first and most powerful part of breaking the trance Ns try to put you in.

I think you've broken your silence already, and your question about family is more about volume and degree.

It would depend in part on how close you are (or would like to be) with family members...and how trustworthy you feel they are. I understand the thought of protecting them from your own pain. But if one of your siblings, if you have them, or your parents, are skilled with reality and intimacy...then they might prefer to grieve with you, than have you grieve alone.

I don't know. But your voice is strong. I think you'll find your way to the right answer.

Hopalong

(And Hope...you too, you are so very clear and articulate, and your hard-won wisdom translates. Thank you.)

[mum]

This was also hard to read for me. Very poignant and eerily familiar. You do have a way with words.
It is still amazing to me, how non existant we can become in the shadows of an N. They take over our world, and when we try to break free, well, they will punish us as long and as hard as they can. And it seems that never, ever stops. But one day, you just won't care....and the baby/bully will still be wanting soooo badly for you to care again and it just won't matter.

So walk through this darkness, knowing (you already do) that darkness can never survive in the light...and you won't go back to it.

[Certain Hope]

Hopalong, thank you for saying that. Since posting on this thread, I've been feeling especially "lame" in being able to express much of anything. Helplessness. That's what remembering life with N (if you can call that life) brings to mind. It's as though I can feel the "stoppers" moving into place between mind and tongue (or in this case, fingers). He enveloped me in a way that was perverse. That's what comes to mind now. I am so thankful he is gone. Amen to the Light driving away the darkness.

Love, Hope

[seasons]

SJ,

Your post left me breathless. I feel it. I feel for you. ((seasons))

[sjkravill]

Hello All...
You have been so encouraging...

Hopelong and Certain Hope... You are both very articulate. I don't think you are inarticulate at all.... this struggle renders us breathless, wordless... But you did articulate it... and your articulation validated my experience.  You described it so well. So, thank you... And thank you for telling me that the process of talking and then not talking and then talking again is a normal part of healing. It makes more sense to me now.

 When I read other peoples' stories it makes me tremble sometiems, because it is so close to home... But I also feel empowered and validated. I am not alone, I am not unlovable...  It gives me words, and I so need words.
More and more I have found that saying from the Bible true, "the truth will set you free."
Your encouragement means so much to me... You hardly know me and you all are so kind and encouraging. 
Blessings to you all.

[movinon]

SJ

I can relate to EVERYTHING in your post.  The rape(s) in my marriage, the physical, emotional, and sexaul abuse (and financial).  People believing him.  Feeling crazy.

I did break the silence...in a BIG way.  For a while there I was TOO vocal.  We both belong to the same 12-step program and to the same community of personal development work.  I wanted EVERYONE to know how much of a b@$tard he was.  Then I judge people got a bit tired of hearing it. 

I did break the silence in my family.  First I let my mom know.  SHe had NO idea.  I put up a good front.  It did break her heart.  She wishes she could have "helped", but the truth was she had a lot to deal w/ herself.  My sister was in a bit of denial at first.  She said things like "Oh, you like this and that when you met him."  I let some time pass w/out her "support" and she eventually came around.  My brother are just pretty silent about it all.  I don't think they know what to say.  My family is pretty disfunctional in it's own right.  I had to try to figure out what it was that I wanted by telling them.  Mostly, if I want to talk to them about it, I have to tell them that I just want them to listen and not give feedback unless I ask for it (they tend to minimize and justify).

I KNOW that I was abused and I don't need to hear them minimize it.

My 12-step program has been a GODSEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The women there are so supportive and AMAZING.  They are my family and would do anything for me.  I can call from a list of about 30 women who will listen to me cry, moan, complain, celebrate...whatever I need to do.

I am sending a couple of web pages in case you might be interested.  The first 3 are VERY good w/ boundary issues.

http://www.cosa-recovery.org/
http://www.slaafws.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.codependents.org/

blessings,
Movinon