I am new, please read my post. :)

[AnnaH28]

Well after lurking on this board for over a year (I pop in and out month to month) I have finally decided to post something. I feel a bit funny about posting, actually. If you were to meet me, you would never assume that I am the person I really am. I come across as very
self-confident and assured. In a way that isn’t fake, I am a grad student and am finally discovering that I have some actual skills and things that I am good at. But it has never been easy for me to talk about the things that hurt me. I will try to be brief.

I am not sure my mother can be classified as an ‘N’. She displays many of the classic behaviours, but one important one she doesn’t display is neediness. She has never been needy for me, in any way, and she does not demand time or attention from me. Most of the time, she seems indifferent in that regard. We have never gotten along. And that is a serious understatement. She very rarely speaks of my infancy (I am the first of 3 girls) – all she has ever said is that I was a very difficult baby who “screamed all the time” and was “impossible to console.” There has been friction since as early as I can remember. It got much worse when I was a teenager. I am 28 now and the hope that this would somehow resolve itself when I finally “grew up” (she was always acting as if the day I turned 21 things would be fine because I wouldn’t be such an immature selfish brat anymore) is basically gone.


I don’t know how to explain this without going on for 10 pages. I feel sort of like I am choking even typing this right now, alone in my apartment. I feel poisoned by her. I feel poisoned and utterly, utterly betrayed. I feel like she took the mother handbook and did everything the opposite of what it said. When I was down, she was always there to kick me, and never to help me up. She thinks I am a terrible person. She tells me constantly that I am a liar, lazy, selfish and ignorant all the time. Sometimes I feel as if she hates me. I think she does hate me. I don’t know why, though.

Every year or so she will try to have a serious conversation with me and ask me what is wrong with me. I always fall for it and try to explain how I feel – I always start out trying to be fair and rational but these conversations always end with her saying (and these are direct quotes) something like the following: “Yes, poor you, you’re such a victim.” “You need to get over things that are in the past and move on.” “You’re such an angry person, you can’t deal with life.” “Take some responsibility for yourself.” Etc. etc.
The thing is, my mother tends to come across to people who don’t know her as very reasonable.
The event that triggered this posting is – again I will try to be brief – I live on a small island with no car, and when I visit home I usually need a car ride back to my house, as I have groceries and things with me. 95% of the time, it is my father who drives me, although this doesn’t stop her from getting angry – she gets angry because my father drives me. He doesn’t get angry. She does. It happened this past week that she was driving me. I was under the impression that there had been a change in ferry schedules and that she would be able to return on the same ferry she arrived on. This was apparently not the case and she had to wait 1 hr. for the next ferry. I got an e-mail later that night – I think I will just post the e-mail here:


“so ----, i missed the ferry. when I zoomed around the last corner I was just in time to see it disappear aroung the bend. Where did you get the idea that there was a longer turnaround time? Where did you hear about it or did you just want to go back at that time and figured I was more likely to do it if I could come back right away? Do you just make stuff up thats turns out to be convenient?? I was PO'd
 Also where is my last whipped cream container. There were two there. Now theres one and even thats been opened? Also Im looking for an envelope that was on the top of the microwave that had a phone number on it....ARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Now, I will be honest – I really did think there had been a schedule change and that she would have time. I was not lying so I could get a ride home at a particular time. Also, she bizarrely brings up the whipped cream container (my mother has always been extremely possessive – even over things like cans of whipping cream) and pretty much accuses me of stealing it. I did not steal any whipping cream. I did not even see any whipping cream in the fridge when I was at home, nor did I touch the envelope she is also apparently accusing me of doing something with.
I wrote back and told her I thought the ferry times had changed. I rec’d this reply:


“----, ive checked the times on the online schedule. The crossing takes twenty minutes and they all have a 15minute turn around. You gave me to believe that you had been informed of a change "since the beginning of the year"or since a specific time and that you had been told of this. Why is this a big deal? well because its annoying. what if I had gone over there with ----- prior to his 3;45 flight. he would have been screwed. why do you tell these things when they are not true? and then why do you "shut down your email" when you are called up on it? Is that a good way to deal with things? It just makes people more annoyed. When Im mad, in this instance Im mad because you misled me about changes in the ferry shedule that caused me to sit on the island for an hour. If we'd had ----- he could have missed his plane. You seem to interpret any annoyance coming from other people as "she hates me" therefore lets just close down. I dont hate you, its just frustrating. Mum”

In a way I am afraid to post this because she has this ability to accuse and yet at the same time sound perfectly reasonable. We had just dropped my uncle at the airport and FYI, there was no chance of bringing me home before dropping him off, nor did I ask this to be done, for the precise reason that there might be a time screw up and he would miss his plane. Again – I was not lying about the ferry timing. I thought the turnaround time was longer. It turns out there had been a scheduling change but not the one I thought. I think my point is that I pointed out to her, repeatedly and in non-angry tones, that I had not lied about the ferry times. But she doesn’t even hear/acknowledge that. She just continues to accuse me of lying, and be angry at me for lying. I made an honest mistake about ferry scheduling, which I admitted! I understand her being annoyed at having to wait for an hour, and I did apologize for that. But all of these accusations...!    

This is a very minor incident, but sort of indicative of the relationship. She ascribes underhanded motives to me all the time. If I ever have a conflict with a friend or a family member she always assumes it is my fault and says “What did you do?” Since I was very small, I have always been the “liar” of the family. I was always being told that when I stopped lying then they would listen to me/believe me. As a small child this was confusing because I wasn’t lying, but when you are 6 and your parents are calling you a liar…you believe it even if intellectually you know it isn’t true.

I have 2 younger sisters. Until I was 17 and left to live in England for 2 years (I left the day I finished highschool), the middle sister was the heavy favourite and could do no wrong. She was an extremely physically beautiful and outgoing, charming child. I was the weird, quiet, overly sensitive kid. Whatever the reasons, when we were growing up, I could do no right, she could do no wrong, and my youngest sister was neutral. As soon as I left for England my two sisters came into conflict and suddenly the middle one was dropped from favour and the youngest one became the favourite. Please believe me when I say “favourite” – I am not just saying it out of self pity or whining. My mother would literally smack me and ground me if I had hit or yelled at my sister when we were young. If she hit me or yelled at me – I was still the one who got smacked and grounded. It was either my fault for provoking or my fault for reacting. Now my middle sister is very troubled and has been diagnosed bipolar. Our whole family is in denial about it. We are British so to admit it would be shameful (not all Brits are this way, but my family are). I see a lot of the worst traits of my mother and father in her. My sisters don’t speak to each other. My mother has twice told me it is my fault they don’t speak – because of the “power” I have over them. Power?! I think power is the very last thing I have in my family, actually. They don’t speak because of an incident that occurred when I was in London, and also because my parents so heavily favour the one over the other.

My mother also told me when I was about 22 that I was responsible for “wrecking” our family. That I was so horrible as a teenager that all of the subsequent trauma and problems various members have had with each other are my fault. She told me to my face that I had wrecked our family. Once when I was having an argument with her she just stared at me and when I asked what was wrong she just said, in this very flat, reasonable-sounding voice: “You disgust me.” And you know – the argument was between my sister and her – I was just piping up to agree with something my sister had said – but the ‘you disgust me’ was aimed at me. And she wasn’t joking, believe me – I could see it in her eyes.

This post is too long and rambling. There is so much waiting to burst out it sort of comes out randomly. I wish I was more eloquent when talking about this. It hurts. It hurts so much to feel unloved, to feel not good enough – not even good enough for the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I am constantly telling myself it is her, not me, but it is hard to listen to myself sometimes when the feelings of worthlessness are so strong. I feel hamstrung.

I read a lot of other posts, with descriptions of drug abuse and alcoholism, mental illness etc. I have nothing dramatic like that. I do think my mother has probably been clinically depressed for as long as I’ve known her. If anyone has had similar experiences, I would appreciate an e-mail. I need to know I am not the crazy one, I need to hear it from someone other than my own (not too convincing) self that it isn’t my fault.

I am sorry for the length and incoherence of this post. It is very difficult to talk about this, and I am very scared as well, because once you say something, it’s open to rejection, I suppose.

[Portia]

Hey Anna H, you were lurking for over a year? I lurked for one day before I jumped in here and I don’t regret it! Mind you, I’ve been mulling my stuff for a couple of years and specific (mind-changing) events led me here. Well done for your post. It must be some relief to get that off your chest? When you say you have nothing dramatic to say like some other members, come on, that doesn’t matter. Each person’s hurt is a big as they feel it to be. And you haven’t told your whole story yet – I can see that between the lines and in the lines. Are you as confused as I was a couple of years ago? Wondering IF I have a problem worth talking about, wondering if I shouldn’t just ‘put up and shut up’? Hey my brain synapses are opening up more every day, I promise. Thinking can do you a power of good.
Please don’t apologise any more, for the length or coherence (which is fine) of your posts or anything else. Do you apologise a lot, generally?
Gosh a year of lurking….that’s a long time…are you finding a Voice at last?
I’m deliberately not saying anything about the content of your post because I want to go back and read it over again. So, more another time, but wanted to say: you’ve done exactly the right thing. Before I go, got to say, your mother has said some pretty despicable things to you. And I have a feeling you want to say a lot more. I felt a variety of emotions about posting here – guilt (being disloyal to the Family), wimpishness (can’t I sort out my own petty problems?) embarrassment (heck, yes) and not sure I belong with these highly self-aware, therapy-educated clever people! And guess what….if you have a story to tell and want advice…you’re allowed to here. Isn’t it great?   P
PS You are most definitely not the crazy one, no way, not with a post full of emotion like you've written. You're okay Anna.

[Portia]

Anna H, are you newly registered Anna28 in Canada? A tip, to log in once (I’ve had trouble recently), click  ‘Log in to check your private messages’ and you’ll get straight in, otherwise it seems to take two attempts.

I wonder why you screamed as a baby? I did too, probably because I could hear and feel my parents mentally killing each other. Is there anyone who knows about your early years who you can ask about them? What about your father? Have you ever asked him “what was I like as a baby?”. Do you ever ‘talk’ with your Dad?

It’s difficult to see our parents as people. But do you know what their early days were like? When they met, married? Did/do you know your grandparents? And I’ve got to ask in particular about your mother’s parents – what do you know that could shed any light on her earlier life? Does she talk about them?

I don’t like your mother having a serious conversation with you, like an annual appraisal at work! It’s like you’re a ‘problem’ she thinks she can solve (you’re not). One thing I’ve found at work is that often managers will accuse their staff of inadequacies that the manager themselves is accused of (transference at work!) . Your mother says to you:

“Yes, poor you, you’re such a victim.” “You need to get over things that are in the past and move on.” “You’re such an angry person, you can’t deal with life.” “Take some responsibility for yourself.” Etc. etc.

I wonder if these things were said to her? Try and step outside of yourself, be the observer. At this stage, and to me you sound confused, try and be dispassionate about what she says and does. You’ll have plenty of time for passion later.

The ferry: so she sat and waited an hour. How long does it take to get from the ferry to your home? Would it be possible for her to return to you and go back to catch it later? The ferry incident (and her emails) seems to have pushed you onto this board; it isn’t that important in itself. Don’t worry about it too much. You’ve got bigger problems with your mother.

Your mother doesn’t sound all that emotionally mature and your family background in general sounds, well, not too healthy. How old were you when your first sister was born? And what was it like in London? I feel I want to know your life story but you probably don’t want to (and shouldn’t) put hard facts on this board. I’m interested in your family being British and moving to Canada. Did that have a big effect on your mother and father, their relationship? Questions you don’t have to answer!

That’s enough for now. I’d like to know more about you and I hope we’ve got lots of time to swap stories and insights. If you are in Canada now, you were posting pretty early today! Did you sleep okay or do you always get up early? I wish I could be a morning person… P
PS. I apparently once did something ‘on purpose’ to

[CC]

Dear Anna,

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time today to respond to all of your post although I would really like to.  But I really needed to say this regarding your quote:

In a way I am afraid to post this because she has this ability to accuse and yet at the same time sound perfectly reasonable.

Let me assure you Anna, THERE IS NOTHING REASONABLE about the way your mother dealt with that ferry thing.  As an outsider, I can tell you honestly without bias that the accusations she made did not sound perfectly reasonable.

As I said I would like to address each and every one of your sentances with reassurance, but for now please hear my brief input as an indication that you did the right thing by posting here and asking for validation.   Your instincts are correct, there is something wrong with the way your mother treats you.

Welcome to the board and we hope you will continue to share your stories with us so we can help provide you with support and healing.  

I want to mention that I think you are very smart to start working on this at such a young age.  Many of us don't figure out that something was wrong until well into our 30s or 40s when we have made some mistakes in our lives.  I may be jumping the gun on how much work you are prepared to do, but I am excited for you because by doing this now you will avoid making some wrong turns earlier in life that can be costly because of messages you are listening to from your past.

Good Luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anna,

Your mother sounds quite disturbed. Her narcissism is severe. You could use some professional help to get a reality check about yourself and your own value. She cannot give you the proper value a mother should give her daughter, because she's too impaired psychologically. She has projected all her own self-hatred into you. This is a massive distortion. You can't do anything about her problems (they are too serious); just get help for yourself. She needs medical care but I don't think she'll get it. There are also problems with your father. He didn't protect you. Please get help. I hope being British won't stop you. You deserve professional help with this.

bunny

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for the length and incoherence of this post. It is very difficult to talk about this, and I am very scared as well, because once you say something, it’s open to rejection, I suppose.

I have always had this underlying feeling that bringing things out in the open is bad and makes me or others vulnerable. Not intellectually- I know it's not true, just very deep feelings, I'm barely conscious of it.

I realise now that it was an extension of the message I was given as a child: that things are what we say not what we seem. Ignore your reality and accept mine.

I still lower my voice when i discuss certain topics at home even now- like I'm expecting the sky to come crashing down because I dared speak out!

And I feel more comfortable being totally anonymous for example here. Maybe because that's what I was in my family for so long, and whenever I stepped outside they rained criticism on me.

[Simon46]

I have much to say but no time now to say it, just that we all understand and not many other people will. Your mother will deny and demean everything you have to say and confronting her or expecting her to act reasonably will not happen. You are not the crazy one here!  I hope that you are at the beginning of a long educational process and can also get professional help, like a therapist or maybe some resources through your school.

It takes a lot of courage to face this because it goes so deep and we have all been taught to devalue our own thoughts and second guess ourselves. They tell us we are off the mark and wrong and confused and we believe them. It is a long way around to realize that this is not true. Check out an old post on this forum called "Things that helped" or similar. It lists many books that some of us have used to get started. Again, I applaud your courage and hope you find this to be a safe place.

[seeker]

Hi Anna and welcome!

I read your post with a groan.  I very much relate to your situation.  It seems like these little incidents aren't a "big deal", but they really are, because they set the tone for the emotional undercurrents of family life.  These little incidents are the genesis of the audiotapes in your head that weren't recorded by you but implanted by your mother.  It's like Chinese water torture, ongoing small attacks on your integrity to erode your sense of self-worth and empowerment.  Then when the damage is noticeable we wonder, how did this happen?

"Reasonable" logical, intelligent people can often be emotionally blind.  A lot of stock is placed in being intelligent or pretty or righteous or (fill in the blank), anything but being loving, forgiving, mutually supportive, respectful, understanding, etc.

I forget where I read about "covert" narcissism, but it fit my family to a tee.  Everything seems normal on the surface, but any time a child needed reassurance or nurturing, my parents were emotionally unavailable.  They would let us know that if we needed them in this way, we must be defective.  The unspoken messages are "Don't bother me." "Don't need, it's inconvenient!"  "Don't have opinions" "your needs aren't important" "don't compete with me" "you do not have the right to exist, to want, to need.  If you insist on these rights, you are a PROBLEM."  

This was all communicated through looks, sighs, attitudes, tone of voice.  Another great book to add to your reading list is You Can't Say That To Me by Patricia Evans.  She does a great job of putting verbal abuse under a microscope and dissects the abuse of language and its effects how a message is received.  You are not imagining it.

Well, I'm glad you posted and  joined the rest of us "problem children".  Good luck with your healing and hope these replies help. S.

[Discounted Girl]

Anna, see what a flood of response you got? I am sitting here with steam coming off the top of my head -- your mother is REAL LUCKY she is not here also   It's strange, but I feel like I made your post and don't remember it. Your mother is cruel and nasty beyond belief -- so much like mine, but your's has a little more refinement it sounds like, probably due to education. Anna, my NQueenmother has hated me all my life -- who knows why. I suspect it is some twisted resentment over her being pregnant with me when they married and perhaps my Dad told her at some point that he would not have married her except for that. I don't know -- THAT BELONGS TO THEM, NOT ME !! I was a little helpless baby that she didn't want, but kept anyhow. Mothers are not supposed to hate their babies. It's her that is wrong, weird, wicked and evil, NOT YOU !! I never got into drugs, got really good grades and was popular in school. So many times I have wished I had given that old bag reason for grief. I have no daughters, no sisters, no female cousins, nada. My sons are around your age and I will think about you this evening while I am going about my business. . You deserve(d) a whole lot better and I think you will find some answers via this website and the phenomenally insightful people who post here. Glad you have joined us  

[Pat]

Dear Anna,

I think you have come to exactly the right place.  Your mom sounds so angry and contemptuos like so many parents described on this board.  Your post made me remember when I'd visit my folks after moving away to go to school.  I'd either take the Greyhound bus (Canadian) or get a ride with friends.  As long as my visit didn't involve either of my parents having to disrupt their routines, my visits seemed to be appreciated.  If I ever need a ride to the bus depot, the sighs and comments about not having "time for this" would start.  I'd end up feeling ashamed of the inconvenience and very hurt by their resenting any needs I might have.  Well, many years have passed, therapy and the love of good friends.  My mother is still living, eighty-eight, and as contemptous as ever. When you said,

when I asked what was wrong she just said, in this very flat, reasonable-sounding voice: “You disgust me.”

it was like I was transported back in time to my own family home.  Our 'conversations' would start out as a discussion and end in some diatribe identifying my shortcomings and also those of my friends.  My mom hated that I had friends and would go to any lenght to discredit and point out all their defects.  Once she had dispensed her poison, she'd relax and then want us to act as if we'd just had a positive mother/daughter exchange.

Learning to understand Narcissistic behaviour has helped me immeasurably.  Dr. Grossman's articles and the books referred to on this site have all contributed to my recovering parts of myself that I didn't even know were missing!  A great book with practical strategies is Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown, subtitled A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.

I hope you continue to post and visit here.  All the best,
Pat

[Anonymous]

It hurts. It hurts so much to feel unloved, to feel not good enough – not even good enough for the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I am constantly telling myself it is her, not me, but it is hard to listen to myself sometimes when the feelings of worthlessness are so strong. I feel hamstrung.

Oh, Anna, of course it hurts.  Of course we long to be loved unconditionally by those who gave us life, and if that doesn't happen, we don't feel at home in the world.  I have been struggling for as long as I can remember with a feeling of not belonging in the world, of having no "place."  It's more than social anxiety; it's a deep sense of wrongness.  And after much thought (and quite a bit of therapy, too), I believe that feeling comes from never being secure in my primary relationship.  Like it or not, our self-images are formed by the mirroring we get from our mothers (or other primary caregivers).  If that mirroring is critical, if the mother projects onto the child her sense of inadequacy, then the child absorbs and internalizes that negative mirroring as a sense of not-being-enough--not for the child's self, but for his or her mother.  

Jung said, "The greatest burden a parent can put on a child is the parent's unlived life."  By that, I think he meant that if the parent project all his or her unresolved complexes onto the child, the child will have to become dysfunctional in order to survive.  What the child learns is simply maladaptive behavior, and then the child tries to carry that behavior into adult life, and it doesn't work.

I know in my own life I have had a hard time coming to terms with all this.  I often say to myself, "Well, it couldn't have been that bad.  My parents provided for all my material needs.  They valued education and taught me to respect culture.  They stayed together and possibly loved each other.  They did not physically abuse me."  But in many ways, it was that bad.  There is a hole in my core, where my sense of self should be.  With patience and work, I can honor that hole and fill it with my own experience.  But it is bitter work, and I shouldn't have to do it.  No one should.

I hope that while you are still young, you will begin this work consciously.  Leaving the work undone will hurt you and your relationships--particularly when you see so clearly the need to do it.

I can tell you unequivocally that it is not your fault.  You did what you had to do to survive.  But if, knowing what you know, you do not undertake the work in front of you, then your continued struggle is at least in part your doing.  I wasted many years denying the need to address these issues.  Please believe me, Anna--I would give anything to have those years back.

Please, Anna, start down the road to making peace with yourself.  It is possible, and it is worth it.  You are worth it.

Wishing you strength,
Joyce

[jacqui]

hi anna!so many  similarities  not just the lurking around either! it is the most soul destroying hurt when you realize that the people who gave you life dont love you . but when the penny drops and you realize that they are the ones that are wrong and that you dont actually want their weird conditional love and that you are aworthy person with a voice you know that you are a survivor . iknow how difficult it is to make a first post and when your story is so long you just dont know where to start. ireally have to pat myself on the back cause im virtually computer illiterate and am typing this with one finger!. only with the very patient guidance of my fifteen year old son was i able to do it. i think i have finally found a place where i feel i belong and hope your healing takes leaps and bounds.

[AnnaH28]

I wanted to respond specifically to some of your comments here…:

Portia – Love your name – you mean “like the car”? (Fish Called Wanda reference - yes, I know it’s not the car!) I liked what you said about trying to get outside the situation and be objective. I often do try to do that. When I posted, I was emotional – writing that post made me emotional – but I often do find myself trying to rationalize and logic my way out of this – WHY is she like this? etc. The thing is, I know very little about her
upbringing, simply because she rarely talks about it. I know she did not get along with her father and he died when I was about 4 so I never got to know him – she obviously found him to be a disciplinarian and a taskmaster. Interestingly, I think there was a conscious choice to avoid that with us, her children. We were never instructed in ‘manners’ or proper speaking or having polished shoes or any of the things she has spoken of her father doing to her. Her mother is still alive, she lives in Hampshire in England, and when they do talk (once or twice a year, maybe letters even less frequently) it seems warm, although I admit I have always found it semi-weird that she speaks so infrequently to her own mother. She does not really maintain contact with her younger brother, because he married a woman she (my mother) did not like, and she talks to her sister and gets along with her. Because I was born in Canada I do not know my extended British family well at all, so I haven’t been able to glean any really helpful insights from just spending time around them.

CC: It was 2 or 3 years ago when I really got to thinking that something f***ed up had gone on during my upbringing with my mother. Now I have to translate the thinking into doing – into action. In fact I think that’s why I posted here.

Bunny – Yes, I would like to try counseling. I would not be able to tell my parents – they made fun of me when I briefly took Prozac when I was 20. My father was shocked and blurted “Your strong enough for that!” Ahem. They are, shall we say politely, ‘old-fashioned’ when it comes to mental health issues.


‘Guest’ (no name?) – “Ignore your reality and accept mine” How succinct. That is exactly the message my mother gets across. And you know, sometimes I think if I accepted her version of things, our relationship would superficially be very smooth. She loves to be around people who agree with her – in fact she actively avoids people who tend to challenge her.

Simon46 – That’s a good idea about school. I will check when I return to school in a few months – to see if I can get any counseling through the medical center there. Thanks.

Seeker – I totally identify with a lot of what you said. It’s true – these incidents, on their own, are minor. When they are the main interaction, repeated over and over between parent and child, though, it is just as you said. In a way it is so much harder to defend yourself against these constant stealth attacks. If she read what I had posted, she would scoff and make fun of me for being so affected by a little misunderstanding – that is how she would term it. But to me, being accused of lying is a big deal. She would just twist it so I was making a big deal out of nothing. She is an expert – a PhD! – in twisting words.
And yes – I have never felt as if my feelings or needs mattered. Because they didn’t. I was never allowed to have feeling or reactions. If I was angry, I was never allowed to be angry – just told I was being ridiculous and should get over it. It’s amazing how…painful and frustrating that is for a child, who has no other outlets. I went through a period of cutting myself as a teenager, and even today I remember it making me feel better, not worse. It was only ever superficial cutting, but I clearly remember the feeling of being so full of rage and helplessness that cutting myself, and letting ‘something’ (in this case,
blood) out, made me feel better. It was so good to read your words. It is so good to hear that I am not alone. I will be checking out the book you recommend.

Discounted Girl – Thank you. Thank you. I almost cried reading everyone’s responses. It is a bit of a surprise to say things I usually get jeered for and have…people HEAR it. My mother hates me too. And I know in my head that it really and truly isn’t my fault. But damn, it’s a terrible situation to be in nonetheless. I, too, was Miss Well Behaved as a child/teenager. I was the most clean-cut, anxious kid you ever met. When I was 17 they sent me to the GP to be grilled on what drugs I was taking, who I was having premarital sex with, why these things were making me such a screw up, and you know – I alsmot laughed when the Dr. didn’t believe me. I had, at the time, never touched a drop of alcohol, never even taken a drag on a cigarette let alone an illegal drug, and never done anything more than held hands with a boy. Literally. I acutely remember actually feeling like a loser in the Dr.’s office. Sitting there thinking, jeez, Doc, I actually wish I could answer yes to some of these questions, but I can’t. I had a sort of delayed adolescence when I got to London. I also did well in school, got good grades and was never a problem with teachers etc. It’s inexplicable. I am just too logical. I keep desperately searching for that golden, all-knowing REASON, you know?


Jacmac – I have been told on numerous occasions that I resemble my mother, and actually just a few months ago one of my best friends told me that I had the same “mannerisms” as her! It’s very possible she takes out her own bad feelings for herself on me. I know for a fact she feels like she ‘missed out’ on some grand life of thinking and letters by having kids and staying home to raise them. Which was her choice, I should point out. As for my sisters – it is amazing how young they are (24, 26) and how deep the rift already is. Of course as I mentioned my mother blames me for the rift, but even I am not so dumb that I think rifts that started when I was literally living on another continent are my fault. Everything the youngest sister does is charming and wonderful. Everything the middle one does is evidence of her deeply flawed character. And it’s MY fault they don’t get on? OK. Thank you for your good wishes.

Pat – hi! Are we the sole Canucks here? I am on one of the Gulf Islands, in BC, btw, but I lived in Edmonton until I was 10, so I guess we are natural enemies. (kidding!) I know what you mean about being made to feel like a pain in the a**. Every single thing my father does for me gets him evil looks from my mother. If he brings me a cup of tea from the kitchen, she makes a sarcastic remark about how he is my slave. If he dares to drive me home, she sulks for hours. I also do a lot for my father – both my father and I are people who just…don’t keep tally of favours. She does. It’s quite hurtful when you are made to feel so low, so unworthy, that even a simple favour becomes a monumental affront.

Joyce – Wow. Everything you said. Yes, completely. Especially the part about always having that voice saying “come on, it wasn’t a big deal, they fed you, they kept you in clothes and school etc., why are you so ungrateful?” in your head. It is bitter work. It isn’t the kind of work that leaves you feeling validated and wonderful. I am working towards what many people just have – that sense of stability and of self, that knowledge that no
what many people just have – that sense of stability and of self, that knowledge that no matter what happens, your family is your haven, you can always turn to them. I don’t want to be in a position where I have to do it. But I do. So I will try.

Jacqui – Please type us your story! It is funny what you say about keyboard typing – you should see my handwriting these days – I hardly ever handwrite anything anymore, but I am lightning-fast typer. I’ll send you some keyboard-mastering vibes, OK? And thanks for commenting.

I don’t know if this makes me a big freak, but posting here is a huge deal to me. I feel good today. It feels nice to be heard. I feel like some stunted, bent flower that’s suddenly had some rays of sunshine on it. Really. I don’t mean to be melodramatic but…this whole site is a lifesaver. I hope I can get to know all of you, and I hope I can offer some of the understanding and kindness you have offered me. Thank you everyone.

[Portia as guest]

 Applause applause applause!  
What a fantastic reply from a warm and wonderful human being! Anna, give yourself a big hug for being such a REAL person.  P

[jacmac, as guest]

Anna, I also want to join in with the applause.  Especially your addressing each poster by name, that shows how truly caring and attentive you are.  Most of us posting at this sight have felt ignored and unappreciated for most of our lives;  we have been "voiceless" and it was so compassionate, in responding, that you acknowledged what others have written by name - it sends out the message:  I have heard your voice.  I am sure the others appreciated this gesture as well.