There was nothing positive I had to say last week- it has been an eye-opening few weeks all told with the doctor, my best friend, my ex...having to tread eggshells here made me realise that only I can choose to when leave other people and their problems alone.
I'm not obliged to respond to everyone's individual pain or acting out. I'm not responsible for anyone except my son and myself.
That's the last bit of my recovery: learn to disengage.
As you've seen with my ex, I find it almost impossible to let go the good loving part of him and abandon him to his misery. But again and again he will trash any positive open communication and hit out wildly in pain or anger. Often his behaviour is under cover of 'concern for my health', or 'well-meant criticism' or even 'let me be honest with you'- a statement which I have found so often to be more accurately translated as 'let me be unpleasant'.
And that is exactly how I found your 'let me be honest' post jacmac:
impossible to respond to in a positive or supportive way. Your comparisons of board members with abusive family members crosses a boundary for me; I am not your family either now or in the past. And you could have spoken the honesty of your pain and relationships without being offensive.
Maybe that is why you feel I have ignored you, I do tend to avoid 'set-ups' and frankly my first response to the post title was 'here we go...' Reading your mother saying you are a trouble-maker etc.- well you do seem to have a tendency to project out a sense of you wanting things your way.
I don't tend to read provocative posts closely, and I certainly wish I hadn't ploughed through that particular one.
No- you don't 'trigger' me ( an expression which I think is being overused in general ) and I wish you well with your family issues, as I would anyone else.
I don't think people are in general ignored- and I know I've done this and a few others do, periodically check over Board posts with few responses and add a reply.
I know people feel ignored sometimes, when they are lonely or depressed or having difficulty.
But I think the healthy
- 'honest' if you like-
way of saying 'I feel left out' is to interrupt or start a thread with 'I feel left out'
or some topic of general interest.
There's a saying where I come from 'when in doubt, say nowt'.
I chose to delete the account and move off quietly.
Then when I see that people are worried I am drunk or manic! well I need to tell you- I am fine.
***
Last night my son opened up about his dad, told me he is mean even without meaning to be. I asked why and he said: he doesn't understand when I hurt, he has no sympathy.
I asked him if he knew what empathy was, he said knowing someone's feelings.
He said 'will I grow up like Dad?' and it was a joy to reassure him that no, he's going to be just fine!
I wish I could reach that place with his father, but I realise now, his father may never get there, and most likely if he does it will be with another friend, another partner.
I AM NOT ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE!
It's time for me to let go of him.
And of all this introspection and analysis; there's a time where I have to choose to be well, with the bipolar as well as relationships. Once I know what it is I have to do to be well, and have learned how to do it, then it's down to me individually. I suspect that means 'go it alone' for now, which doesn't feel nearly as frightening as a year or two ago.
