Selling Out...

[ANewSheriff]

I have been thinking a lot about my anger lately.  I never thought I would be here, but I have just gotten so bitter and hostile in the past year.  Eeww - I hate seeing that in print.  It is so - so ugly and unflattering.  Of course I want to rise above this.  But, I still seem stuck.   

One of the reasons I am so angry is because of the people in my life that I have been so loyal to who have sold out on me.  I just sat by and watched as one by one people turned their backs because showing loyalty and support was too far out of their comfort zones or they were simply too lazy to take a stand.  People just seem scared of their own shadows.  Cowards!  Self-absorbed! I feel like a castaway!

I have gone from being a happy-go-lucky optimist to a snide and antisocial pessimist.  Sheesh!  Some days I can hardly stand myself. 

Any thoughts on selling out and how to get past the disappointment and anger?

ANewSheriff     

[Stormchild]

ANS -

I think I can offer something useful... the only way out is through.

I said something on another thread about much helping not being sincere. Not everyone knows how to have an honest relationship of equals. You don't necessarily find this out early, unfortunately, you may only find it out when the chips are down and the people you were always there for just aren't there for you in turn.

My parents' marriage was like that, and it ended horribly for my father, who had always been the caretaker and was treated terribly by my mother when he became ill and needed care.

Someone, somewhere, said that if you can solve something it's a problem but if you can't, it's a fact of life, and we spend most of our lives learning which is which.

In my experience people letting you down, especially when you've been there for them and supported them and cared about them and then you need them to be there for you - seems to me to be both a problem and a fact of life.

Being raised by Ns [mostly] we have trouble identifying and being attracted to genuine reciprocal givers... but we can learn. What we can't do is get it right every time. A few non-reciprocators will always get past us.

I don't know if this helps; it's thoughts, and you're dealing with feelings right now, and for me anyway I  had to feel those and let them play through. It takes as long as it takes, like any other grief... because for me it is grief, more than anything else.

Sorry you are going through this.

[pennyplant]

Hi ANewSheriff,

Well, I think it takes a lot of time.  It will be uncomfortable.  Especially for a "former" optimist!  I mean, I've been disappointed in people all my life and only just recently been starting to feel something besides anger and resentment about it.  Maybe I just got worn out with those particular feelings.  But also my life changed five years ago when I walked off a job (where I was exposed daily to an N boss) and also had a couple of personal crises.  It seems like I ended up in a new "place"  in life and in myself where I just started running out of the energy that anger and bitterness requires.

I would think that as a former optimist, this is something of a shock to your system.  So, I expect you'd have quite a different journey compared to someone like me who has often witnessed the worst side of some people throughout my life.  Perhaps, though, since optimism is probably a part of your basic nature, it might reassert itself once the anger has run its course?

Nowadays, I have been trying to let my anger and other difficult feelings come to the surface and sort of turn around in my thoughts as a way of letting them play themselves out.  For example, if I'm gardening or walking I will imagine conversations or scenarios that allow me to express how I really feel.  I used to repress those emotions and ideas.  Which sure didn't make them go away.  Those feelings came out at the worst times or left me feeling chronically stressed and irritated.  It seems like I'm doing better by allowing myself to feel them and imagining what I'd like to say or do.  I feel more self-control now.  I feel peaceful every so often.

Betrayal is a big one, ANewSheriff.  Possibly your anger is a natural outcome of the betrayals you have experienced.  Betrayal is also like a small death in some ways.  So, I agree with Stormy that grief may be part of the mix as well.  Grief takes time too.  You may not become unstuck all of a sudden.  It will probably happen in increments.  You know, two steps forward, one step back, and variations of that pattern.

I'm kind of early in the process.  Hopefully something here struck a chord with you.

Pennyplant

[WRITE]

turned their backs because showing loyalty and support was too far out of their comfort zones or they were simply too lazy to take a stand.  People just seem scared of their own shadows.  Cowards!  Self-absorbed! I feel like a castaway!

Sorry A.N.S, it's horrible isn't it. Just when we need a friend, they turn tail and go back to their happy lives and don't want a part of our problem time; well that's how it feels.

And as I have found in my most difficult years not only do you lose those friends who can't deal with that change in you- the friends you make during the difficulties by and large don't like the way you change when you subsequently get over stuff and recover either!

Stormchild's Frost quote is quite true, the only way is through.

I have repaired some of the friendships and lost some. You will too.

I have gone from being a happy-go-lucky optimist to a snide and antisocial pessimist.  Sheesh!  Some days I can hardly stand myself.

go easy on yourself! I have not noticed a tendency for you to be obnoxious here, and it's not your role in life to be an entertainer to your friends! If you're prepared to support others when they are struggling you can expect similar support back.

But don't necessarily write the relationships off because of people's limitations either- and find an outlet for your anger.

Swimming and writing seem to be mine.

for me it is grief, more than anything else.

absolutely, all change involves some level of grieving. So long as the grieving is a process, towards an end of resolution and peace and good health. I couldn't find that without doctors and therapy.

One small thing you can do for yourself this minute- is tell yourself you're okay, and you're going to work through this.

I'm also a big believer in tiny acts of self-care adding up: a walk, finding a leaf or shell, listening to music, reading, a long soak in the bath...sometimes when no one else has anything to give us, that's when we learn to nurture and cherish ourself.

xxxxx

[WRITE]

I feel peaceful every so often.

Not perfect, but it's a good start isn't it?!
I remember a time when every day of my life was struggling, and there was twice for me a 5 or 6 year period with no peace or respite.

Emigrating helps 

One Christmas I went to the Caribbean, left my husband and son to make the preparations, returned just for the holiday. I cried every few hours to not have any tension or argument, to be with people who were interested in what I had to say, or just hang out and say nothing, and because I missed my son and knew this would be our last married Christmas & I would have to leave his father now and cause mass upset just to be happy.

That 'peaceful every so often' holiday changed my life. All our lives. More and more days not just me, but all of us, are 'peaceful sometimes'.


"Great things are done by a series of small things brought together."
--- Vincent Van Gogh

"A day out-of-doors, someone I loved to talk with, a good book and some simple food and music - that would be rest."
--- Eleanor Roosevelt

[ANewSheriff]

Storm:

the only way out is through.

Agreed, Storm.  I will receive no awards for patience, however.

Storm: 

Someone, somewhere, said that if you can solve something it's a problem but if you can't, it's a fact of life, and we spend most of our lives learning which is which.

This is powerful and true.  Not comforting, but powerful and true.

PennyPlant:

For example, if I'm gardening or walking I will imagine conversations or scenarios that allow me to express how I really feel.  I used to repress those emotions and ideas.

I love that you have found some solace in this, PennyPlant.  What a constructive way to navigate through some awful stuff.  I am sorry for your pain.  You have had a lifetime of disappointment.  You do sound like you are finding your way, though, which makes me happy for you.  Thank you for sharing your journey and being supportive of mine.

WRITE: 

I have repaired some of the friendships and lost some. You will too.

Yes, I have done this.  I have a long tradition of hanging out way too long - last one out on a burnt and desolate battlefield.  I need to look at the relationships that are working and be grateful for those.  I get so focused in on the muck, at times.   

WRITE: 

But don't necessarily write the relationships off because of people's limitations either- and find an outlet for your anger./quote]

You are dead on with this one and I am very conscious that this is a key area in which I have failed to take measures.  My outlet has been some unhealthy eating as of late.  Ick.  Pew.  No good.  I like that you brought this to me.  Thank you for the reminder that our physical bodies affect our mental processes.

WRITE:

One Christmas I went to the Caribbean, left my husband and son to make the preparations, returned just for the holiday. I cried every few hours to not have any tension or argument, to be with people who were interested in what I had to say, or just hang out and say nothing, and because I missed my son and knew this would be our last married Christmas & I would have to leave his father now and cause mass upset just to be happy.

This just touched me so deeply.  I was relieved for you and so sad at the same time.  I imagine you in a beautiful place, but scared and lonely.  What a courageous and gutsy thing for you to do.  Gentle, beautiful flower made of steel - steel magnolia.  Thank you for sharing that deeply personal and life-changing moment.

ANewSheriff

[WRITE]

oh, I am no strong Southern Belle, I'm a stupid woman who already wasted years in trying not to have to make a decision or two...but I want to tell you loudly as I can- love yourself.

Love yourself.

LOVE YOURSELF!

Until your love is strong and secure and every time you meet someone who isn't going to love you now, you feel sad for them a bit, but walk away, knowing they can always come back if they change their minds! xoxoxox

[WRITE]

( er if anyone knows how to do the resize font thing, please let me know...)

[moonlight52]

ANS  " last one out on a burnt and desolate  battlefield  I need to look at the relationships that are working and be grateful for those"
          Thank you for this it is so true
            Moon
 

[lightofheart]

Hi ANewSheriff,

Wow, lots of great stuff here...I hear a lot of hard-won progress in these posts; so heartened to read 'em.

imho, Stormy hit the nail on the head: The only way out is through. Also, grief takes its own time.

Are you able to take any comfort in being aware of your feelings, even if they feel ugly? This helps me some...used to be entirely clueless, a pure reactor, so I'm really grateful to have inched up to semi-clueless.

Pennyplant, I sure do relate to this:
Nowadays, I have been trying to let my anger and other difficult feelings come to the surface and sort of turn around in my thoughts as a way of letting them play themselves out.  For example, if I'm gardening or walking I will imagine conversations or scenarios that allow me to express how I really feel.

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I love the invention of hands-free cellphones 'cause I can have long & lively chats with myself while driving and no one's the wiser (I live in the country, so can get away with this walking the dog some, too). If I suspect something's gnawing I'll just start asking questions till I have a better idea of what I'm feeling and voice whatever I feel as soon as it comes to me.

I hope you can take Write's advice about going easy on yourself to heart. imho, if you do, even a heavy load will shift just a little.

Take good care,

 
LoH

[mum]

A New Sherriff:
Your post resonated with me. I, too, was an optimist and became distraught and angry about life....and hated myself for it, because it did not suit me. This was the beginning for me. Why was I so uncomfortable? Because I needed to learn something. And the first step was knowing I didn't want to live that way.

You have taken that first step. It is hard to be still in the pain, but it is essential. It's how we learn. Going Through is indeed the only way.  I am going to try really hard to find a poem someone on this board gave me several years ago.
It's just about this, stepping through and accepting it and changing. (I will get back to you when I find it)

There is nothing wrong with feeling bad right now. It's important. Please know that it is part of the process. We are human, and part of that is our frailty, our inability to always be happy and in connection with our essence, our love. Out inability to accept that we won't and can't always have control. It's ok.

Trying to get over it or around it or ignoring it will only postpone it and very likely make it worse,  bigger or even more overwhelming. Sit with it. Find some kind of meditation to help you with it. I find Tunglen extremely helpful in this. But there are just as many ways to acknowledge it and appreciate it (yes, appreciate the pain) and learn from it as there are people.
I highly recommend NOT trying to make it go away with alcohol or people or joining a cult or drugs.  The pain is there as your ally. It has something to tell you. Listen. No one/thing can save you from it, nor do you need saving. Listen.

Have some faith. Intend to grow and learn from this, and you will. Like magic, the universe will respond to you as you intend. Intend to learn and move through this. You will.

By the way, I am an optimist again....or I should say, I am at peace with where the world needs to be right now.
When I am back down there in the muck....(oh, and I will be)....I will remember that I am there to learn, and then I won't have to stay there quite so long as before. Or maybe I will......either way, it's ok.

[Hopalong]

Hi Mum,
I was moved by your post.
I'm going to open a thread on Intention & the Universe and start it with a question to you.

((((Mum))))

thanks,
Hops

[gratitude28]

ANS,
I really wish I had some comforting words for you. You know the ways to deal with anger from your recovery dealings, so this must be a very big hurt. Are there still some who support you? Are the people you lost ones it might be better losing? I don't know any answers, and I don't know what to tell you, except that we are here to listen and provide any help we can.
Love, Beth