I almost LOL when I saw the lengths that Portia went to take responsiblity for offending anyone. Not laughing at you P, just see myself in you a hundred fold with the over-defensiveness, fear of being rejected, and obvious pain of being accused of something that you really didn't intent - it is SOOOOO characteric of us as a child of an N to feel like this! Questioning ourselves, second guessing, feeling hurt when we have not been heard correctly, or that our VOICE was inappropriate!!! This is the story of my life!
This has been a most interesting thread. Since the first post by Avery I keep going back, rereading and rereading recent posts. in a futile attempt to find the culprit. I must be naive, but I STILL don't see a direct personal attack implicated in any of the posts. I'm going to go ahead and directly address what I think is the elephant in the room, or the emperor with no clothes!
I find the departure of Jazz particularly revealing, and that this may be one of the people that felt directly attacked or she would not be leaving us. Some of our posts to her were direct, and we could see things she was having trouble acknowledging because of our own past experiences and our progress of healing. She may be an example of someone who is is so much pain that facing the truth is difficult and perceived as personal criticism rather than constructive truths. Additionally, being relatively new she did not know us well enough to feel that all of our responses were given with love and understanding, regardless of the way our semantics played out. I think we can all learn something from her brief stay here amongst us.
As victims of N's or significant childhood toxins we are prone to strong defense mechanisms for survival. These are only learned about and changed when we are ready to receive the truth. And in the healing process, indeed - sometimes we think we are ready, begin to explore it, but the fear and pain become too much and we revert.
I identify with Jazz's decision. It was YEARS before I was able to admit that maybe I was responsible for the poor choices I was making in life - and that I may have even displayed N-traits that affected my relationships. In counseling before my acknowledgment of the truth, I came mainly for comfort, pity and understanding. A voice needing to be heard. I was unable yet to identify my own dysfunctions.
Something that used to happen to me quite frequently during a counseling session - I would be getting very near a crucial realization or trying to finish a story or though about something in the past and then suddenly my mind would blank - I would completely lose track of my thoughts and could not get it back. A subconscious defense mechanism... "don't go there, its too painful to admit". My therapist at the time would use the analogy that my brain was like a CD player on shuffle; it was time to work on another area when that happened because I wasn't ready to deal with whatever that was. And, it took a different therapist with a totally different approach to lead me to the place I needed to get to - at my own pace.
My guess is too, from my own experience - that if Jazz reads my post here today she will feel defensive and irritated that I am saying all these things- maybe even come back to deny. Because that's how I would feel when someone would do it to me. We shouldn't worry about her, she doesn't feel safe here, and that's okay - the right person, book, experience or therapist will come along at the point in her life when she is ready.
If that's what it is, and I am really going out on a limb here by stating all this, but... [Jazz] no one is here to judge. In fact, we are all exactly where we are supposed to be at a given moment. Your long-time male friend is someone who fullfilled needs on some level for you for a long time. You will do the best you can at the moment with whatever outcome is eminent. Someday, you may find that your relationship with him is indicative of something much bigger. Things are not always what they seem. In the meantime, we wish you the best in your searching for self and happiness - we would be arrogant to assume that this can only be found here. As Seeker so wisely indicated, we all have different styles of giving and receiving communication and I'm sure you will find a place that is more comfortable for you.
I may be entirely wrong about who this involved - but even if I am, I think that Jazz's stuff was pertinent to what's going on here! And Avery, you are very empathetic to begin this thread. Empathy is shown in many different ways - and I think one way is to display it "do as I say, not as I've done" (these are the more direct posters) and another is to be "I'm so sorry, please tell/cry some more and I understand because I've felt that too". I believe BOTH are effective, and I would even go as far as to say - BOTH are necessary.
Hope I haven't put words or thoughts into anyone's mouth today, but this thread has me jumping. Seeing you all here and being so concerned too, makes me feel that we all really care about each other and want to keep any evil from lurking
P.S. Avery has yet to speak up about who this thread was intended. It probably doesn't matter at this point, I can understand the hesitation to name names. I really appreciate that he (she?) has started this chain of events. As someone else put it, it has caused us to all look at each other and ourselves. But even if it was Portia, you can see by the flood of support for you P that it is only one or two people's perspective, and that interpretation is what it's all about. As phoenix and Nic indicated, if you know in your heart that your comments were not maliciously intended, hold your head up high and feel good that your voice was heard!
