Hi Pandora,
Your story in so many ways could be my story with my husband. Just add a dash of physical violence, a slice of pornography and sex addiction, season it with a 'Lolita Complex', garnish it with contacting women from messages left on public toilet walls, and bake in the oven of deception, denial and blame and abuse for 15 years.
My first plea to you is, "Do not have children with this man!". That is if you do decide to stay with him. That's a tough call, but I'm making it. Is this what you want, a childless marriage - married to a child. That's one supremely important choice you need to make about yourself, for yourself. Because if it is a desire of yours to have children, then read through the many stories on this board of what we (children of narcissistic parents) have been through when we have a parent like your husband. Then decide if you're willing to risk bringing children into the world with this man.
My second plea to you is, "Do not feel sorry for this other woman!" Please. Leave that for her friends and family. Keep your sympathy for yourself. No point in you trying to be too magnanimous. You say you feel sorry for her. Don't. I guess because he's manipulated her like he manipulates you, you are feeling empathy. That's good in one way, that shows your a nice person, but save it. She's not his wife. She tried to displace you, and for a time succeeded. Your sympathy is completely misplaced and wasted on her. Sorry, but she abused you and violated you too. She deceived you and played the game willingly with him. She must have been laughing a lot at how 'stupid' you were to fall for the con job they did on you. All those lies. She was an active, willing co-conspirator. An old friend, Phooey! What a joke. She knew she was his old girlfriend. Why didn't she tell you in the beginning? Don't waste your sympathy, she got what she could only end up getting from him, used up. And by the way, you're not stupid. She came back for seconds. I'm tempted to say "She's stupid." Karma or what. Sowing and reaping. Whatever you want to call it.
Anyway, I could go on about him, your husband, for weeks, I know him so well. He's already told you where you fit in his life. I quote "He said that his affair and his lashing out resulted from his anger that I could not satisfy him." He's told you that he's angry at you, that you don't satisfy him. That is an extremely harsh reality he's expressing there. Why don't you satisfy him? My goodness, you've certainly tried. This is why, because he's insatiable. That's right, he's insatiable. Unable to be satisfied. Incapable. You've done everything by the sound of it, and you're very permissive in suggesting that you can accept the affair, but not the abuse. You don't have to accept affairs either, sweetie. That's crap. He is trying to make you the one responsible for his abusing you, and for his happiness. HIM, HIM, HIM. Rubbish, you deserve so much more. No person, and especially a wife, deserves to be treated like this. You have so much to give and because of your over-trusting nature you have been exploited. Now and in the future you'll need individual therapy, counselling and support groups to help you learn how to take care of yourself first and foremost and not to allow others to use you up. You can learn very quickly how to become more boundaried. But not while you're living with this guy, I don't think. All your emotional energy and time you'll find are burned up on him, and you'll hardly have any time to learn about yourself or learn how to take care of yourself. He'll keep you so busy and off balance. Take it from me, he's not worth it.
There are lots of excellent books recommended in some of the posts here as you read through the stories of different people's lives and what works. I've found it to be so therapeutic. I wish you well.
Take care
pp
