"did you ever feel that totally unbelievable bewilderment of not having your feelings heard at all, let alone understood? In my gut I knew that I really did not matter to him, even though he said all the right words. I knew it wasn't just the cheating that was the problem"
Bingo. I am not happy about the affair, but I understood and even expected that there was the possibility that our marriage would be affected by attractions to other people. "Cheating" happens, and I can take an honest look at myself and recognize that I could give in to temptation in some circumstances.
The most disturbing thing is not the affair, but his actions and attitude toward me during and now after it. We have had many conversations where I have tried as hard as I could to pour out my heart - and it is like talking to a brick wall. He will sometimes listen and perhaps respond with physical affection, but there is no emotional response, and often he minimizes my feelings. Our therapist has noticed this in our sessions.
The N description fits in many ways besides the lack of empathy part.
I have tried to take an honest look at myself to see how I could have contributed to his affair and behavior toward me. I am not perfect, and I am sure that I have taken him for granted from time to time, but I have always been extremely supportive and in general have cut him a lot of slack. For the past few years he was involved in starting a business, which was a time of great financial uncertainty and stress. I took on a lot of financial responsibility, and I really made an effort to be supportive. I had my own anxieties about money, but I kept them to myself - I felt that it was very important for him to have the chance to pursue his dream and I was very happy when he had success. I am not a saint, but I look back and I can honestly say that I did the best I could. I see that I tolerated his abusive behavior much longer than I should, but it took me a while to see it for what it was.
Although our marriage is far from "sexless" that is one area where he consistantly claims that I have failed to meet his needs, and where he has been extremely critical of me. He has said that his affair and his "lashing out" at me resulted from his anger that I could not satisfy him. I am not the most aggressive when it comes to sex, but I honestly don't think I have any serious hang-ups either. I rarely refuse him, and have always responded willingly to almost anything he might want to try, except for scenarios involving other people.
The affair was not an accident. The other woman was an old girlfriend who he had resumed email contact with last year- I knew a little about her. He invited her for a visit last summer (I believed she was just an old friend - a lie), and then convinced her to move here last fall. Not only that, he gave her a job working with him. (I realize that I was a total idiot, but my nature is (or was) to be trusting). He idealized her as his ideal soulmate - vastly superior to me. I am not sure what exactly happened between them, but eventually she pulled back, which caused him to pursue her and then to verbally attack her when she resisted. Now he hates her. I have no great love for this woman, but I am disturbed by his treatment of her - it is manipulative and exploitive. Falling into an affair with a coworker or friend in a moment of weakness is one thing - but this whole chain of events was engineered.
In a few weeks, he will be going away for 2 months. I don't think I should make any decisions until he gets back.
