Dear Adrift,
Never MIND "normal." That word is used to beat people up; sometimes we use it to beat ourselves up.
You are conscious, aware, thinking, beginning to reclaim your body and your own mind and it doesn't matter how old you are, either. It's never too late to learn, heal, and come alive.
Be proud of yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself.
As to your sexuality, fantasies, and unusual needs or feelings...be kind to yourself about them too.
There is always a logic in our deep subconscious, our psyche, our deepest self. Our minds, farther up, sometimes show us our wounds in disturbing ways.
Listen to it. Can you find a good therapist and share every single thing you just shared with us?
You are so articulate about your story. This is half the battle. You can tell it, you can name it.
That's an enormous accomplishment. That's a leap forward.
Don't give up, okay?
Hopalong