What has helped me - a husband with a wife with NPD

[ingolfur]

It truly is a nightmare to be married with a person with NPD - endlsess suspion of infedlity - always trying to control - massive mod cycles -
the nicest and most charming person when she needs to be - but always looking for someone to give her praise. Only cooks to impress, in shor on a day to day basis she has a stomach pain, she feels faintish and on and on ......   and no cooking, no housework, nothing but watch tv and sleep but company comes oooohhhh then a super meal and happy as she gets her praise about the meal - do not take me wrong - everyone should get praises for a thing well done but I mean overboard looking for praises - yes she is the smartest, best looking ( even says that to her self when she looks in the mirriror ) - nothing she needs to work on - pushes the kids to super exceed so she can get the praises for such nice kids - but when it comes to teach them or do things for them then she is sick -

So in short we have had some serious discussions - and she is always right as she humiliates me in front of others.

So what has worked are 3 things -     The silent treatment   and the [/b]answer No[/b] and threten to leave

Those things seem to slow her down and at least make her think a bit

It is not a cure - but it has helped

Found super good info on this website  http://www.narcissism-info.com - full of information and FAQ

Hope to post and read more of your comments

[Sheela]

dear "In"

Thanks for posting . . .we have all in our way "been there . . ."

I was married to an N, I agree completely with you, your strategies or what I call "detachment"
work very well, at least for a while . . .it just that there seems to be a diabolical impulse that requires N's to
get their "N supply" feed and thus the N behavior starts upping the ante . . .

until a boundary gets crossed (my threshold was physical abuse)
 
in the end there was no victory in me steeling myself to live from day to day with an N.
(though i did it for 10 years) I had to leave because I was no longer able to model the attitudes I felt were necessary for my children  . . .now I wish I had left sooner . . .

I completely understand how you must want to stay for the children, I did that too
I admire your strength and commitment to them and you patience with you N spouse.
Best of Luck I hope you stay with us!

sheela

[ingolfur2]

Thanx for nice comments - NPD sufferers are super clever in their game - all one can do is try to do is maintain some sanity before the next wave hits you.

[reallyME]

I personally feel that the "silent treatment" is a cruel tactic used by N's to begin with, so when someone uses that on an N, it's no different than reinforcing what the N's parent did to them that caused them to snap in the first place.

I do agree with detatchment, emotionally.  This is not the same as "the silent treatment" though.  It means that you allow them to own the problem that they have created, without you trying to fix them.  It means sometimes getting entirely out of the situation.

It is too easy to fall into the trap of trying to "trick the trickster."  For me, one who follows Jesus, I do all I can to not be manipulative back at the N.  I just don't see how fighting fire with fire does anything other than create a bigger fire.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Hey golfer (did I get the meaning of your name right?):
I agree. Wish you strength for this. You sound like you already have the courage.

Really, I reallly liked what you wrote about the silent treatment and how to treat people. "Fighting fire w/fire makes more fire." Wise. Thanks.

Whatchall doing over here on this forum? (Golf, you'll be closer to the action and get more responses if you start a thread on the main board...) And brw, I think "answer No" is the best of your three coping strategies...it's the only one where you're not being controlling, but you're still setting a firm healthy boundary. I would use the threaten-to-leave one only if you mean it. Keeps your integrity congruent.

But maybe that's bad advice in a legal sense, so I hope people will notice this thread and respond, or maybe you can copy and repost it over on the main one....


Hopalong

[Rosanna]

I was with an NPD for a long time that I broke away from, and although he is walking down the wedding aisle with another woman (also NPD) in a month, he chose to call me today, while I am six months pregnant with my husband's child, to tell me how much he loves me and wants me and that it will never be over for him.  Of course I was greatly, greatly upset after the call and started to feel poorly physically.  He hurt me so badly while we were together, has never apologized of course for his wrongs, and in fact, spat it all back on me, name-calling, saying I rant and rave, etc., etc.   He has never taken any responsibility for things he did, and now he won't even think of my health.  It's all baout him and it always will be and woe to the woman who is marrying him.  WE MUST ALL LOOK INSIDE OURSELVES TO SEE WHY WE EVER HELD ON TO AN NPD.  Coming up with strategies to keep him/her in your marriage will not work.  The only thing you can do is get help for yourself and hopefully realize it has NOTHING to do with you and get the hell out of there!  I mean that with all of my heart.

[Hopalong]

Ai, yi, yi, Roseanna.
How classic. How infuriating.

Please don't let him make you ill.

In the book I mention so often I should shuddup, there's a section called Curtain Calls.
Those are the dramatic last-ditch attempts an N makes when s/he's made some choice
to make a commitment (a way of releasing some of their inner panic at promising to
be honorable).

To him, I'm sure, the fact that he's supposed to be pledging his heart to another in
4 weeks is just a little detail...once he got the intoxicating idea of trying to wallow in some
of YOUR attention for the last time. Oooo, he just had to dump that drama on you. Bleaaahh.

Hope it is the last time! And if it's not, hope you hang up the second you recognize
his voice.

(Why do we feel OWNED by the telephone anyway?? We own our earspace, doggone it.)

Welcome. Try moving over to the main message board where more will see your posts.

Hopalong