I don't think I understand the differences between living in the N/controling world and a "normal" world because some of what y'all say is N/controlling behaviour is behaviour I've always been around and even done myself. Hence, my confusion. Anyway, here's somethings my dad would do.
Dad would say, "AFter you've washed these dishes, if I find one piece that isn't clean, you'll take every dish out of every cabinet and wash every dish in the kitchen"----needless to say, I washed dishes in fear because I knew he meant it. I guess I did a good job because I never had to do the ones in the cabinet.
Dad would say, "If I ever get a call from the school that you got into trouble, when you get home you're gonna get a spanking from me (his were pretty bad), then a spanking from your mother, and THEN we'll ask you what happened" I knew he meant this too, so in 12 years of school I never got as much as a detention.
One day when I was in about the 9th grade, I walked into the secretary's office at school to bring her something from the teacher and realized that I heard my dad's voice coming from the principal's office. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew it couldn't be good. I was terrified all day. When I got home that day my dad told me that he had gone up to the principals office (he didn't know I had heard him in there) and that he had asked the principal to spank me in front of the class when I made a bad grade on a test---but the principal refused. ((THANK GOD!)) I was horribly embarrassed that my dad had done that and also afraid that in the future he may be able to talk the principal into it, but that never happened.
My grades were a huge source of conflict between my dad and I. He had never done well at all in school and was determined that I would. He decided that any grade below 85 on a report card was going to result in a spanking. Every quarter I got a spanking (whupping is more like it) Finally, in my senior year I convinced him that the pressure he was putting on me about my grades was causing me to not do well and for him to please not threaten me with spankings and see how I did. He agreed and I made "B" honor roll all during my senior year.
One semester in college I brought home a 2.85 and he slung it down in disgust and wanted to know why I hadn't done better. I was crushed and the next semester I was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed and failed all 18 hours. You can imagine the horror I felt at having THOSE grades come home, but a funny thing happened. When the grades did come, he sat there in shock, I started crying and telling him how depressed I had been and that I couldn't take the pressure, I don't remember what Mom did and he walked out of the room. He never mentioned those grades, or any grades, again. A few days later Mom told me that he instructed her for me to go to counseling. I went one time and that seemed to satisfy them. About 20 years later I found out that my dad's sister had had a mental breakdown in her younger years and had to undergo years of being hospitalized and also ECT so I wonder if my semi-breakdown finally scared him into realizing that I too was human.
My dad used to brag about how I got 50 licks with a belt when I was 5 years old for going to close to a swimming pool (I'd been instructed to stay away from it). He used to say, "Tell them how many licks you got" and I'd answer and he'd brag about it and I never knew to be ashamed until I was about 10 years old and he was bragging on it to my cousin's husband and the husband said, "That sounds like abuse to me" and then I realized how horrible it all way. The swimming pool episode never came up much after that.
My dad started with severe scoliosis when I was about 11 years old and when I was 13 yo, he retired and went on disability. My mom had a decent job so while we did without, we weren't dirt poor. Since Mom was working so hard, all the housework fell to me. Dad didn't believe in men doing "women's work", so me being the only child, I did everything while he went fishing or puttered around or went and helped his friends with projects or took a nap. I never had any friends or social interactions and was basically the maid. Course I didn't realize how different my life was from everyone else's until years later. I read alot to entertain myself, books became my best friends. I do remember having lots and lots of anger, but I thought that was normal too. I also remember that when I was with other kids in a social setting (church usually) I would usually not get along very well, but I couldn't figure out why. My parents fought horribly and usually my name was in the middle of it and my mom would be yelling at my dad about something I had done--such as, 1) I had forgotten to feed the dog agian, 2) I was lazy, 3) I wasn't working up to my potential in school, 4) I was sorry.
One of the most hurtful things I remember is that I would go "play" with a neighbor when I was about 13. My mom would tell me, "don't go in their house" and when I said " but sometimes we get tired of playing outside and they go in" she'd instruct me that I was not to go inside. That when those kids went in, I was to come home. It wasn't because she was worried about abuse or anything (because I still know those people and they are fine people) but I think she just believed I wasn't good enough to go in. They had a nicer house than we did and more money and I guess in my mom's eyes, I wouldn't have been wanted inside their home. It made me feel so low.
If on the rare occassion I told my mom about something that had happened (whether at school or church) that had upset me, she'd get mad at me and her first words we "WHAT DID YOU DO???, YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING, WHAT DID YOU DO???" and I learned 1) don't talk to mom, 2) I wasn't socially acceptable and that there was something wrong with me.
Guess I'll stop now, need to get busy.
Adrift
