Hi folks,
I got inspiration for the title of this thread from something ReallyME said on another thread: "If you can't let go, then hold on LOOSELY"
I think I am making myself nuts. A few weeks ago I decided to stop catering to my Nmom so much. No contact is tempting, but I wanted to see if I can still maintain some kind of relationship with her. She lives far away from me, and we only see eachother three or four times a year for family functions. After I called her on mother's day this year, I decided not to call her again until she called me. I don't mean for this to be a game, tit for tat sort of thing, but I think it's fair that she call me once in a while. Our relationship is so unbalanced, with me giving her attention all the time (or else!). Anyway, she has not called me.
To make matters worse, a family function is coming up, and my mom invited herself to go along. I was supposed to visit my brother (the Golden Child who has withdrawn into workaholic lifestyle to protect himself and please N mom, I think) and his family. My niece and nephews hardly know me, because my brother always makes it so hard for anyone to visit the last couple years (he claims to be too busy - the only excuse my mom will accept). she just blames his wife and me anyway.
In the past, my brother has put on this front of being so helpless, mom's impossible and he's so busy. yadda yadda. he claims that he will make time to see me, if I can just get mom off his back. So the triangulation begins. I help make excuses to mom, I take the heat, tell mom that my brother just can't see any of us because he's too busy saving the world. So I build up the Golden Child even further, my mom gets mad at me (the scapegoat, a voluntary scapegoat that time). She didn't visit them last time because I did all this. All the while, my brother insists he will make time for me to visit his family (as my reward for protecting him from my mom, I guess). But he doesn't.
So this time, my mom invited herself on the trip. (she would need to stay with my brother or in a hotel; I am staying with my in-laws who are nearby). She demanded that I make time for our family, insinuating that I am the one making it difficult for us to get together. She insisted that I work with my brother, coerce him, into setting dates ("They can't do this to me!", she says). I told her that I wanted to stay out of it, that my brother can make his own decisions.
Then my brother (through his wife, who is either a saint or an enabler, or both) tried to pull me in, too, with the usual... they have time for me, but not for mom, but the dates to see me are still in the air, they are so busy, etc... I tried to stay out of that, too. Just told them the dates i would be in the region. Asked them to let me know when/if they had time to see me.
I have not called my mom in weeks, I don't know how she and my brother have resolved the situation. All I know is that my mom is really, really, really mad at me and I feel sick. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and I literally feel nauseous. its gets worse everyday. I can't calm down. My therapist suggested last week that I write a letter to my mom (the kind that is never sent) expressing my anger (in general, not about this stuff in particular). But I can't even find my anger right now, because I am so scared. The trip begins in one week. I have no idea what to expect.
If others here have had similar experiences of holding on loosely, I would love to hear them and any advice you have, techniques to detach myself from this dynamic, ideas on how to maintain a relationship with my niece and nephews, etc....or just share your own personal experiences. Would love to hear anything. thank you.
