Narcissistic Mother-in-law (MIL)

[California]

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[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi California and welcome....

The thing I've found with dealing with someone with NPD is it's a confusing minefield, and sometimes having the answer of NPD can explain a lot.  I think you've done really well in dealing with your MIL.  Is it inevitable that she will disown you?  I don't know but I get the impression that you are realistic and do think through your options so if a time arose in the future where she did try and disown you, you have read up and you know you have your husband's support.

Regarding his brother... I think it's understandable that your husband is trying to fix their relationship, however maybe a suggestion that it is up to his brother and he could take on board his brother's thoughts and feelings... which I'm sure he has but from reading on here, some people do feel pressured to try and make up against their own judgement.

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Welcome California,
I think if you see them only once every month or two and there is no obvious abuse, just self-absorption, it probably won't harm your kids to see your MIL.

That said, I have to say that a very large regret of mine is that before I knew about Nism, I allowed my mother to "co-raise" my daughter. On the one hand, my parents gave my child stability and continuity, and she was also exposed to my Dad who was as sweet as your FIL...on the other, my D was co-raised by an N. 

It's a dilemma. I think well-controlled and infrequent contact, and never, ever ceding your parental authority to her one fraction of an inch...would be okay...

Again welcome,
Hopalong

[lightofheart]

Hi California,

Welcome! Very good to hear from you, C.

Lordy, your MIL could be my MIL, who just left after spending six (really LOOOONG) days with us. I feel for ya', truly.

I'm phobic about giving advice, but here are 2 cent opinions to your questions:

I almost think it is inevidable...because I will never be so accomodating to the extent of not being myself. I've seen her pouty around me, but nothing major--no major outbursts...yet. She complains a lot about other people though around me and how no one shows any respect to her. I know my husband will back me up no matter what...if something did occur. Is it inevidable? Will she eventually come to disown me or is that too risky for her?

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For what it's worth, I don't think it's inevitable. In 18 years, my MIL (who's had mondo battles with all her other kids' spouses, often several at once) has never said boo to me. Like you, I'm cordial and easygoing. Also, just plainspoken enough to keep MIL cautious. imho, it's probably pretty rare for folks like your and my MIL to have just about anyone who's spent much time with them treat them with consistent kindness, especially someone married to one the kids they have a history of selfishness with. I can't even imagine what it's like when my MIL spends time with any of the other kids/spouses; the negative repercussions sometimes last years.

I'm wondering now if our future kids should be alone with my MIL at all. Would you leave your kids alone with a grandparent with NPD with a history of verbal and emotional abuse?

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Personally, I wouldn't leave a child I was related to or responsible for alone with someone who's abused children in any way. Uh-uh. Supervised visits, yes, with groundrules. If my father taught me anything, it's that some people should never be alone with children.

Sounds like the distance factor and your supportive H. will be saving graces with your MIL, California.
Best to you both,

 
LoH

[gratitude28]

Hi Cali,
It is such a weird realization... like you said, something feels off and then when you read about NPD, you say "aha" and it is such an eye-opener.
My mother is just like your MIL. She has no true friends... if she gets along for anyone for a while, it is b/c she feels they are important or it is someone she can bully and when she tires of htem, she tunes them out completely. We had no friends in the house EVER as kids, and there are large portions of childhoos I don't remember. I am remembering a lot of it now... and it all fits into the disease profile like little puzzle pieces.
I wish you strength and peace with dealing with this tough situation. We are hear for you whenver you need a sounding board.
Love, Beth