Thanks to information on this site and from what I've learned from you fine folks thus far, I've been reading the following link
http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html about the Karpman Triangle. This perspective has totally changed my thinking patterns. I can see so much more clearly the dynamics that were at work within my FOO and also within my present home situation. For me, understanding the dynamics helps me to heal. I realize I wasn't really such a failure but that my dad was a Persecutor and needed a scapegoat and I was the only one really available. To my mom, he was the Rescuer early in their relationship (she played the victim very well throughout their relationship) and later became both the Persecutor and Rescuer to her. I've also seen him play the Victim. Talk about crazy!! People really do move around the triangle. Anyway, my mom's favorite positions were when she was the victim in my DAd's eyes and when she was Persecuting me. I'm planning on drawing out several triangles and jotting down each persons position and my beliefs for their actions. Working through this further will help me, I believe, see myself in a totally new light.
Also, I can now see where I've been my daughters rescuer and allowed her to play the victim and put DH in the role as persecutor. However, I'm proud to say, this morning she called with a crisis (of her own making) which was either gonna cost her 200$ or cost her dad his day off from work. DH offered to go fix the situation and I said no. I told him he was being her rescuer and that this was her problem and that she could pay the money. Actually we'll have to pay it and she'll pay us back in installments. Then I called her and told her that we were not going to "rescue" her from her problems, that her dad was not gonna use his day off to fix her problem and that she would have to learn to be more responsible. HURRAY!! The triangle between DD1, myself and DH has been a MAJOR source of problems for many, many years. I'm so glad to see the roles more clearly and see where I've been wrong (I've been an enabler) so things can change for the better. Where DD1 would always trip me up before is that she'd be the victim, I'd be the rescuer and still she'd give me hell and end up labelling me and her dad as persecutors and cry and wail and nothing we ever did was enough
Before now, I kept trying to build a relationship with her and actually kept thinging that the more I did for her the more she'd love me and then there were times I did play the persecutor by using guilt---all in an attempt to have a relationship with my daughter.
Now, the game is up. I feel such relief!!!
Adrift---but clinging on
