old style stuff: support needed with N

[mum]

HI, guys. Here is something I remember a lot more of on this board, so I hope you won't mind a departure from the conflict musings for a moment, to help me with a continued N problem.

Although My exN threw in the proverbial towel, legally, and dropped the petition to prevent my daughter from moving with me,
he is now, as always, giving me hell.  He wants to control how and when my son gets to college (HE wants to take him there....as in not see me at all, but I need to get the dorm things there.....even though I am paying double in tuition...ok, fine, I can see my kid another time)...
He also took my proposal of long distance visitation and added $7500 in attorneys fees and wants to reduce his child support by almost HALF, AND he insists that my D have NO SAY whatsoever in the future visitation. none...( I proposed that she have a voice). Oh, and things like: he wants a say in her day to day schedule and activites (from 2500 miles away) and in things like "dating". HUH? HUH? What, put the prospective suitors on webcam with him????HUH???
And the worst of it:
I suggested that our son is a little too worried about how his dad is feeling about the taking him to college thing (because our son was soooo confused about when to go, etc)....and that maybe he might like to encourage our son to think for himself as I do....
His response  was sooooo awful I could  spit nails. The A**H*** basically says that our son is a model person in his ability to put others needs in front of his own (READ: "our son is easily manipulated by me, and thus valued by me")....AND that our daughter should try to be like her brother as she is selfish and only cares about herself (READ: "I cannot control her, I don't like her one bit").
AAAARRRGGGGGHHHH.
I wrote him a response telling him what he said was terribly sad and that I hoped his daughter NEVER catches wind of how he feels....and probably my response will send him to the dictionary to look up "tractable" etc, but the bottom line is this:
HE STILL PISSES ME OFF!!!

My lawyer was appalled and called the mediator, because that's our next step in hacking this thing out....and then the courtroom, but I would just as soon go straight to the judge....and not waste any more time with mediation, because it will always come down to this: as soon as we get close to (or even inside of) a courtroom, the NNNNNidiot caves in, because God forbid, anyone should find out how much money he is actually hiding from us.
Money and control. Bottom line.
thanks for letting me vent. This too, shall pass.

And now a question: which I probably can answer: will this guy ever let go????
Probably not....so I will have to. MAN, I am tired of this crap. All this and trying to move/get a new job, too. OY.

[Stormchild]

Oh mum.... if this isn't a conflict, dear one, I don't know what is, and I don't know whether to smile or cry when I say that. Ugh, no wonder you prefer to avoid the "elective courses".

Is there any way at all to get the hidden money issue up to the top level of this and keep it there? since that is the thing that breaks him every time? Just push that at him every time he pulls one of these?

How frustrating for you... and confusing for your son... and god knows how your daughter must feel.

[mudpuppy]

mum,

will this guy ever let go????

Sure, when he croaks. Lets hope he gets a frog in his throat real soon.
When he does it will also put and end to this (I hope)..........

HE STILL PISSES ME OFF!!!

mud

[lightofheart]

Hi Mum,

Ouch. I'm sorry this is (still/ever/perenially) giving you stress. If not for your kids' hearts, I'd mentally send your ex out to an ice floe.

I apologize if I'm rehashing something you've already mentioned...would it be possible to hire a financial reconstructor (or whatever the technical term is) to settle this once and for all? Seems like, if he's forever costing you legal fees, trying to poke at you/your children, maybe it'd be ultimately cheaper and less crazy-making to take that on? My Mom did it, and boy did things improve, legally and financially.

keeping you in good thoughts,

LoH

[Stormchild]

Forensic accountant.

LOH, you're a freakin' genius...

[penelope]

go for the balls mum, expose that N-idiot.  Besides, he should pay (his fair share).


penelope

[mum]

Thanks so much for the support...I wish I could say, I am at peace....or it's all fine. I know that I will be ok, that things will work out just fine, and if I think about it, it's not so much that I am angry, but I am in a place of heightened suspicion right now....like I need to protect my kids....it's almost primitive, the way I feel. I think rather than try to process it too quickly and let it go....I will see what this is about. Let it be....without detaching just yet.  I do think it's a parent/protector thing...

We go to mediation soon, and I believe our agreement last time in front of the judge was that my D can speak to the mediator without either of us present....I think she should. Especially because her dad specified that he wants her to be with him (2500 mi away from her new home and friends) for the entire summer next summer, AND that she has no say in any of it, ever, AND that I will agree to my DUTY of getting her onto the plane!! (like he EXPECTS her to resist...and for me to FORCE her). OH, and he wants an agreement that he doesn't even have to  be present while she is visiting him, he can leave the country for up to HALF of her alloted time with her and she still has to stay at his house with his wife. He actually thinks this absurdity is reasonable....or he just does'n't care or he is just NOT SANE.........I think the last one might be true..Can someone be selfish to the point of insanity????
I hope the mediator is not an idiot, because only an idiot would see any of this as healthy for a 15 year old (which she will be next year).
And the good thing about mediation is: if we don't agree...it goes in front of a judge. And that judge will make a decision and he will listen to my D. SO , What is this about? Think he's nuts or just the biggest A**H*** on this planet?

[gratitude28]

I think he's the biggest AHole AND nuts to boot!
Sending you love and wishing for some divine intervention for you.
Love, Beth

[mum]

divine intervention for you

Oh, thank you. I do believe in the intentions of many manifesting in goodness....or maybe I should just say: I believe in the power of prayer. So thank you.

[mudpuppy]

mum,

it's almost primitive

That's your amphibian mind taking over.

Think he's nuts or just the biggest A**H*** on this planet?

I'm with Beth.
No need to choose; he's a renaissance man.

mud

[mum]

HAHAHAHA, THANK YOU. I needed the laugh...between the crying dog and my reptilian brain....I needed it!

[penelope]

mum,

The guy is acting like a complete jerk (the guy sounds better than ex, eh?).  Who could detach from that?  Your poor daughter.   It's OK to feel angry or primitive...  those are good feelings for such a situation.

penelope

[moonlight52]

Mum ,Your children are fine ,they have you .Oh Mum .Take it from someone that knows what a good moms love means.They are OK .They are more than OK .You are their MuM
Moon 

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((Mum)))))))

Your daughter is a great person.... I bet she does put other people before herself, just not him.  I get the impression that she's clocked him and he knows there is nothing that he can do, but has to try and get that power back.  She's a great lass.

I'm not surprised your son is confused, but he has a great Mum who is there for him and loves him unconditionally.

So if it does go to court.... there's not a sausage he can do about anything....

Keep smiling Mum.

Love H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Mum dear,

For once, I think the system is on somebody's side.
I think when you look in the dictionary under "unreasonable", there's his picture.

I know you will triumph because it's right and it's not even subtle.
I agree with everybody, your kids are VERY lucky, and with a Mum like you, they're going to come out fabulous.

I'm sorry for all this stress. The constant tension has got to be making you howl.

Hops