Help Me Rhonda

[Hopalong]

I have an assignment due at 8 a.m. and I have diddled away the day, posting here and there, writing a letter to the editor of the Washington Post (they took it!)...BUT.

This is my same old phobic work-avoidance pattern that bites me in the butt. Now I have to spend the whole evening slamming away at the task, when I could easily have gotten it done in the daytime and relaxed all evening.

I know I'm anxious about job-hunting.

Oh AHAAAAAH! I just this very second typing realized what's going on!!!!!!!!! God. That's amazing.

My N-brother is coming to town July 6 for a week. I've been emailing (courteously, peacefully) with him to confirm plans/times, etc. But INSIDE, I'm starting to quake.

That's it!!! OMG. After 56 years, this man still scares me out of my socks. I was watching one of those courtroom dramas last night and freaked myself out comparing the murderer to my brother.

Good grief. Well, at least I know why I'm so tense today.

I am soooooooooo uncomfortable when he's here. He and NMom go into their little mutual massaging conversations and I just ripple with old fears (and new fears, of course, that he intends to manipulate her somehow into changing her will again). Good God.

I really have to let go and build up a big INTERNAL boundary. I have no fear that I'll get emotional or irrational around him/them, but I just want badly not to be sucked into my old childhood space.

So here I am acting like a child by not doing my work.

(Please, nobody tell me Get Back to Work!) I don't have to concentrate that hard and I know the evening will go better if I pop back here every now and then, even just to hear your voices.

Ai yi yi. I hate fear, I hate anxiety, and I'm trying not to hate myself.

Thanks for listening to such a vent,

Hops

[Hopalong]

I totally understand why you suggest that Jac.
It sounds like supreme mental health.

I just can't do it now. I can't do the confrontation.
It probably took years off my life to confront NMom with tht outpouring of rage and fear last time he was heading this way.

This time, it's all civilized and more peaceful.
I really don't want to rock the boat.

As long as I am calm and courteous around both of them, it'll be okay.
I don't want a psychodrama as long as NMom has the power to yank the rug out from under me and manipulate me further about the house. I know that's probably awfully chicken of me, but I've hung in this long, she's 95 now, she and I are getting along, and I just don't want to go there.

It's the Family Rule not to discuss things openly, and she at last did come around to seeing my point of view. She changed her will so I do keep the house.

But right now, with unemployment hovering...I can't stand more upheaval. All I can do to keep calm as it is.

I think if I maintain courtesy but a don't-mess-with-me vibe, they'll both behave. Getting emotional at all is an invitation for more manipulation. Instead, I think I'll stay very busy by going to visit a friend, working long hours, etc., until he goes. She'll get her fill of his attention, he'll get crashingly bored, and he'll leave.

The two primary Ns in my life at one time is more than I can take on. By herself, andnow that she's 95, I can handle Mom. But not the both of them. So a conscientious-caretaker but too-busy-for-drama mein is probably the only shield I can invoke.

thanks so much for caring and for writing Jac. It seems stupid but posting all day long here must've loosened the rusty gears I was afraid to move...I did at least figure out what the trouble was. So I have a week to ready myself psycholgically for his arrival, and that will help. I would like to get along with him peaceably, with careful boundaries, so I will try that. No point addressing the past with him because he would lie or twist it. And right now, he is not attacking. Don't want to invite it.

Hops

[mountainspring]

Hi Hops...  wondering if you could make plans for that week.  Make it a point to go somewhere with a friend.  I read in a book a while back that self talk helps too.  Oh... there they go... Mom's being mom, brothers being brother... sure am glad I understand what's happening etc etc.  Will he be there long?  Could you take a couple days and go somewhere... get away... take a break from mom.  If not, could you plan fun things for you... a favorite DVD, an evening at the movies...  dinner with a friend..

[Hopalong]

Thanks MS.
He's arriving Friday and leaving Tuesday morning, it won't be too bad.
I hope to go out of town for the day Saturday and will keep myself very busy with church Sunday, then work a long day Monday.

I'll survive. Just a shock to see how much the old ghost still entangles me.

A little discouraging. I feel as though I'm reacting like the frightened little girl I was once.

I feel a little shame about that.

Hops

[pennyplant]

Hi Hopsy,

Well, the little frightened girl is probably there somewhere inside you.  But there are other Hopsies in there too.  Strong ones.  Just some balance is what is needed.  Then little Hopsy can watch and learn and maybe heal a little.

Good plan to keep busy with things that may take your mind off the Ns.  Also good plan to keep peace long enough for the safety of Nmom's will and your legacy.

I'm glad you figured this out and told us.  Seems like that alone might make some kind of a difference in the situation.

Pennyplant

[penelope]

hi hops,

could you plan some little stuff in there during the day too - like your meals or whatever, ahead of time.  Just so you have those saving graces to look forward to?

hugs,
pen

[mountainspring]

No shame Hops... no shame...

(((((((((Hops)))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Penny, Pen, MountainSpring...

 

thank you so much.
Yes, the support here will make a tremendous difference.
And I will intentionally make time with people I feel good around!

(Hmmm. Just had a thought. My church's co-minister knows me well. I bet she would come by that Saturday or Sunday just to say hello. Even her brief presence would be a bolstering thing, and remind Nbro and NMom in a subtle way that other people are aware of their games. I might invite her to take a walk with me and then just come in for a big drink of water.)

thanks again, my friends.

Hops

[pennyplant]

You're gonna be okay, Hops  .

PP

[Stormchild]

Hang in there Hops... this too shall pass.

Does it help at all if you think ahead to when it will be over with and you'll be back here posting to us about how well you managed to avoid a lot of the things you were afraid would happen?

What do they call that? Visualization? Tell the universe how this turned out... before it does.

Music, if music works for you, can be a wonderful escape. Put on your favorite CDs in the car?

Good luck Hops. Good luck.

[lightofheart]

Hi Hops,

Please, please, give yourself a heaping dose of love, 'cause Love is the Answer, and I'm positive 'cause I painted it on a piece of barnboard, hung it high in my kitchen and no one can walk in my house without smiling at it. Plus, you're my goodhearted pal who I've just never had the pleasure to meet so I need to stick up for kind, dear, and very giving Hops, and remind you how cool she is.

So here I am acting like a child by not doing my work.

[/color]

May I respectfully point out an alternate view? imho, one of the true pleasures of being an adult is doing just what I want, when I want, even if it's goofy--maybe especially if it's goofy--and accepting it's just what I seem to need at that second, and I don't need any better reason than that, whether it's cake for dinner or snoofing around this embracing website and reading/typing away.

I like all the good ideas you've gotten here about the impending visit, can I fifth or sixth them? When my MIL was here last week one thing that really helped was going to bed earlier than anyone else, especially since she was getting me up at 5 every morning.  My bedroom is a happy playpen: books, music, French doors to the deck, so I felt relaxed after even a half hour or so alone in there and it made for a very peaceful end to tiring days with MIL. On a related note, also did some A-team dawdling, another little route to peace. MIL wears mondo makeup and performs extensive hair rituals...neither of which, um, I can relate to, but it did give me another consistent time block to traipse around my room or feed the birds or come in here and surf around or write my little head off.

Hope you're not feeling too anxious? For what it's worth, I almost sh*& a kitten in the 48 hours before MIL came...and the actual visit was so much easier than the mental ramp up. A breeze by comparison. So, maybe you've already weathered the hardest part?

Sweet dreams to you,

((((Hops))))

LoH

[moonlight52]

Hi Hops  ,   I like to remember what bean said about what is important "gentle strength".HOPS, you have cornered the market. 
Love,
Moon

[Hops]

PP, thank you, and I believe you!

Sugarre, this is wonderful advice:

keep on with your own agenda while demonstrating the respect you would give to anyone you really didn't know

I can do that. I can be respectful and still sort of distant. Thanks a lot.

Storm, you're right, my disasterizing is usually the only true disaster that happens! Thanks, it is comforting to realize I'll be back here with the anticlimactic tale.

LoH, I have a playpen. I love my room, simple but cozy and colorful. Novels and TV and art that warms my heart. Your retreat sounds lovely too, and thanks for the reminder. (I was slothful most of the evening but got up at 5:00 and my boss was content with my work. Long lunch nap!)

Moon, thank you, hon. Good golly miss molly. You are so generous.

Jac, yowsa. You had one of those mega-confrontations too? Tell me about it sometime, it'll stiffen my spine. Thanks for understanding.

love to all,
Hops

[lightofheart]

Hi Hops,

You're very welcome. Glad to hear your boss appreciated your work...gotta' admit, the loyal pal in me read that and thought, Well, of course; it's Hops' work. Just can't imagine that you're not diligent and talented in a work setting. Well, probably 'cause, imho, it's so completely obvious that you would be, it's part of who you are. Hope that's not too effusive, just feels true to me.

Hi Jac,

I totally, totally understand.  I call my confrontation with my Mom, The Final Battle, it was like Batman vs. The Ultimate Foe, my diabolical nemesis.  I was in an emotional upheaval for days afterwards!

[/color]
Read this and loved that you could write something so funny about something painful. 

Am just waiting for the opportunity to ask my boss if he is my diabolical nemesis with a straight face. Thank you, loads, for that!

Hope this isn't too off-thread? (sorry Hops, if so) but was/is humor a survival skill with your FOO? It was in mine. One day my F. came in the door yelling, we didn't even know what about...after he'd stormed out, my sibling grabbed a pen and paper, wrote 9.5 and held it up, like an Olympic judge. For years we didn't have words for stuff that went on at home, but the 3 of us would score F.'s wildman bouts whenever it felt safe. Also, Mom developed a private signal, an Okay sign with the other 3 three fingers fluttering, that she called the Flying A-hole (sorry to be crude) which we sometimes used discreetly in my F.'s company. Loved her for that.

Best to you both, and all you sweet folks here

 
LoH

[mudpuppy]

LOH,

 

I'm adding that finger flutter to my repetoire. Its not copyrighted is it?

mud