Bad joke

[mudpuppy]

Jon asked for any good jokes on a different thread. Haven't got any, here's a bad one instead. No offense intended to anyone. If anyone is offended go soak your head, its a joke.

A Hindu, a Jew and a Narcissist are driving through the country when their car breaks down. Its late and its cold so they walk to the nearest farm and ask the farmer if he can help them. He tells them sure he can but it will have to wait until morning. In the meantime he only has room for two of them in his house, one will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'll sleep in the barn, sahib.  My friends here can use your home." After a little discussion the other two agree.
Everyone goes to bed until a short time later when there is a knock on the door.
The farmer gets up, opens the door and there's the Hindu standing there.
He says "There's a goat in your barn.Goats are filthy digusting animals. I can't sleep in a barn with a goat.

So the Jewish guy says, " Not to worry, my friend. You're a mensch. I'll sleep in the barn. Goats don't bother me"
Everyone goes to sleep again, until presently they hear another knock at the door.
The farmer opens it up and there's the Jewish guy standing there.
He says "There's a pig in the barn. Pigs are filthy digusting animals. I can't sleep in a barn with a pig."

At which point the Narcissist says, "OK I'll be big about this and sleep in the barn. Satisfied?"
So they all go back to sleep again.
Pretty soon, sure enough, there's a loud knock on the door that wakes them all up.
The farmer is pretty agitated by this time and throws the door open.
There standing in the doorway are the goat and the pig.

[lightofheart]

Here's another for the pile, Mud,

There is a slight mention of religion in this one, so I hope anyone who's easily irked around religious issues will skip it...buyer beware, please.


After many invitations, a teenage girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents and he finally agrees. This means so much to her that the girl tells him that after dinner, she'd like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the teenage boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy decides on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at his girlfriend's house and meets her at the door. "Oh, I'm thrilled for you to finally meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and sits down at the dinner table with the girl's parents. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, head down. Ten minutes pass, still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." Without lifting his head, the boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[mudpuppy]

Hey this thread is for bad jokes not funny ones.

mud

[mudpuppy]

Jac,

My joke is based on a rather unfortunate ethnic joke. Substitute for Narcissist someone of, oh say, Polish or Irish descent and you get the picture.
But I figured what the hey, nobody likes Narcissists, not even other Narcissists.

mud

[Sugarbear]

I got this stinker (altho funny) in an email...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so
I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not
to worry because they were trained professionals and I was
in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

[Certain Hope]

umm... Mud... our pastor tells the same joke, except the 3rd guy is a televangelist... the one who drives the goat and the pig out of the barn. ahem. 
Hope

[gratitude28]

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned
beyond belief.

He could hardly stand the pain and decided to go to the local doctor
for treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook his
head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical
facility," he explained.

"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking
this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of
Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn ... what's a Viagra
tablet going to do?"

"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep
the sheets off your legs."

[lightofheart]

Ooh, These are good; even the bad ones are good! Your airport joke made me cackle, Sugarbear...so maybe I'm losing it?

Just remembered another one...blondes, please forgive me, since, eek, I'm blonde myself 

There was a blonde woman who was really broke and desperate and lived near a school. So she started watching the playground and noticed that one little boy was always dropped off by an expensive car and wore designer clothes. She figured he must be rich. So one day, as school let out, she pinned a note to the boy's shirt.

The note read, "Put $20,000 in a bag near the oak tree on the playground or you'll never see your boy again. Signed, The Blonde. "
Dim bulb that she was, The Blonde sent the boy home with the note.

The next morning she went to the playground and there was the bag, money and all. There was a note taped to the bag, which said, "Okay, here's your money. I can't believe you would do this to another blonde!"

[Sugarbear]

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

*giggling*

[gratitude28]

I don't get it????? Help. I am blonde. Or I was before this last dye job... One with everything??? OK ha ha I get it now. Ha ha

[Sela]

Hahahaha!!   

My kinda thread.   

I think this one might fit here:

A Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.  The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang.  He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.  The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again.  The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.  This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.  Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.  The doorbell rang.  The cockroach was standing there.  The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.  He explained events of the preceding four nights.  "What can I do?" he pleaded.

 "Not much" the doctor replied.  "There's just a nasty bug going around."

[Hops]

Groooooooaaaaaaaaannnnnnn....

A priest, a rabbi, a pastor, and an imman went on a fishing trip in the Everglades. As they paddled along in their canoe, they had a lively discussion about religion, the troubles of the world, and many other important matters. Sometimes they got so worked up that they would gesticulate wildly, and the canoe would tip and rock. At one point, one of the fishermen leapt to his feet and unbalanced the canoe. Over it went, and they all were dumped into the water.

An enormous ancient crocodile, the biggest ever, swam up and ate the four men, one by one.
Then he crawled up on the muddy bank and had an ecumenical movement.

[Portia]

Thanks Mud for the huge guffaw. Very visual, I love visuals and Sela the cockroach fits the bill (said the duck).

This isn’t a joke but I hope you’ll find it funny. Someone once said that “every joke has a victim” and I’ve remembered that because I can’t get into that way of thinking. I mean, every joke has a victim if the brunt of the joke sees themselves as a victim? A bit like the story here (sorry I forgot who posted it – Anansi’s thread?, but boy, I remember the story!) about the woman who took the fridge magnet message to heart: “80% of people are shit” and who reacted angrily!

The following happened to me and although it shows someone’s momentary dippy thinking, we both thought it was funny, so I don’t think she would see herself as a victim. Is that enough of a disclaimer? I think so!

I’m sitting at my desk. A colleague comes up to talk about an idea for mailshots to our clients. We discuss mailing clients on their birthdays and the various messages and insurance or investment products we might tailor to their ages. We’re about fifteen minutes in and pondering about timings and schedules for such mailings and she muses (looking away from me) “Hmmm I wonder how many of our clients have birthdays in any one year...”. I waited until she looked back at me before saying “all of them?” and we both fell about laughing. 



Oh Hops!

[mum]

I love this thread. I suck at telling jokes. They get lost in translation.

Oh, and I agree with the every joke has a victim thing, and I think it's true because joking reminds me of performance arts:

the audience goes in with an unspoken agreement with the performers: what you do on stage, I will go along with....
I mean if you have ever seen any performance at all, the enjoyment comes from this agreement between audience and artist.

And joking also relies on surprise...so if you think the joke is funny because of that surprise, you are happily in agreement with the joke teller to be the "victim" or audience (except that lady with the refrigerator magnet.....she needs stick removal surgery, badly, ooh, I guess that's a little "Punny" considering what she was upset about).

So here's a bad joke that is truly VERBAL (so it will only be funny if you TELL it):

Two peanuts walk into a bar....and one of them is assaulted (a salted).

See? you were forewarned.

[Sugarbear]

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at the string and tells him to get lost "We don't serve string in this bar!"

So, the string goes outside ties himself into a knot and rubs his ends in the gutter and gets all twisted and split. He walks back into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender takes one look at him and says "Say, aren't you that same piece of string that I just saw?"

The string answers "NO! I'm a frayed knot!"

(a frayed knot... Afraid not...it's better out loud...)

Sorry, I have sooooo many bad jokes...