Dear (((Daylily)))
I'm with WRITE, Hops and Beth on this one. They are right in every way.
It is true that you may second guess your decisions which were made at the most difficult of times. And it may be okay to think about the regrets if you need to, but it's not okay to judge yourself for them when you only did the best you knew how at the time. Letting yourself think about it for awhile may be the surest way to let it go. Please don't judge yourself, though. You did fine. If all of us here know how well you loved your mother and wanted only the best for her, then she certainly knew that too.
After my father died and I went back to work (fortunately to a group of people who have all suffered in this way and have a good understanding of what is really important when it comes to family), I did say to someone that I worried I hadn't done enough for my father or spent enough time with him at the end. I worried about it because I knew I had made sure to meet my obligations at work, sometimes at my father's own urging. He always said, "Don't jeopardize your job." So, I was never late and never slacked off and didn't take extra time off. The reason was I thought he was going to live longer. I was pacing myself. I thought he would make it till Christmas and I knew I would have a nervous breakdown if I went all out for my father for that length of time. Well, as it turned out he only made it until the end of October. I knew I could have gone all out for a month. And then rested or got therapy afterwards. I told someone that I could have done more for a month. And he said, "Don't beat yourself about that. Don't do that to yourself." And he was right. It was good to be heard. But he was right. I had no way of knowing ahead of time how long it would take. It was a good decision based on the knowledge I had at the time.
You did give your all for as long as you could and for as long as you had to. You did a great job for your mother, Daylily.
Those people you work with are not the right kind of the people and probably never will be. I hope that someday you can get a better situation for yourself in employment.
It is right that your husband be supportive of you. It is true that he might not be able to because he doesn't know how or is not good with feelings. So, yes, screaming and crying might be in order here. He might learn something as a result.
It's a long process, Daylily. Sometimes all you can accomplish is just waking up each day. It won't always be like that. But sometimes that's the best you can do.
Love, Pennyplant
