It's been a long while since I've been here - trauma so I'm back

[Gaining Strength]

Dear Kell,
I haven't been reading your post in a while so I am a little behind.  This line REALLY caught my eye:
      Why cant anything go right for me?

The tone of it really concerns me for you but I can't fully explain why.  But clearly some of what comes through is that you have given your power away. 

As I went back and began reading your posts about your application for this new job I see part of what is blocking your progress.  You are living in enormous fear.  I am so glad that you listened to your doctor about your negative trap and I am so glad that you have considered doing something about it but while you may think you are being positive you are actually still acting out of fear.

I recently I came across a saying that really helps me. WHERE ATTENTION GOES, ENERGY FLOWS.  I feel certain that you are unaware of how much fear you have about not getting the job.  You sound as though you are hoping to get it but really afraid you won't.  And that fear is stronger than the hope.  I really reccommend that you begin reading some books on positive thinking.  It takes a complete committment.  Try this or some variation of this sentence, "I choose to believe the job I need is at hand."

It sounds so crazy that saying that can make a difference but it goes down to a cellular level.  Izzy posted the link to a lecture by a medical school professor who explains how our thoughts effect our outcomes.  The way we think about ourselves and out environments actually shapes our reality.  I'm rooting for you Kell.

[Stormchild]

Kell, this is what abusers do.

They sabotage you... your mother's efforts to start fights at the store, your husband's EXPENSIVE and DANGEROUS destruction of a part of your house.

And they teach you to sabotage yourself, by believing that there is nothing you can do about it...

Things will go right for you, they will. But... you will need to protect yourself from the people who want to make things go wrong for you.

And I know, it is so hard to do that when those people are your parents or you have married them.

Are you going to Al-Anon? Please think about going if you aren't... and I'm sorry that I didn't remember, if you are. Active and non-recovering alcoholics can be very abusive, very N. Not all of them, but many of them. Some are medicating pain - in a self destructive way - and do not lash out at others. But many of them can be very abusive.

[Gaining Strength]

I echo what Storm says.  And even if they don't rail at you - living with someone who gets so drunk that they fall through a shower door is in itself abuse.  It is a passive abuse but abuse none-the-less.  Think about it this way.  Does his falling through the shower door instill a fear in you - that he will do it again, that he will or someone willl blame you or expect you to clean up and repair.  Does it effect your life adversely?  I agree with Storm that Al-anon is a very good place.  If you don't like one particular group try another until the fit is right.  I met some very good friends at Al-anon years ago.  Maybe I should go again - it really is a good place to meet friends. - GS

[Overcomer]

Hey Everyone!  Well, I don't know why I was the beneficiary of carhuts first post..............probably because I was whining a bit.  But after rereading it several times, I don't know if he was dissing me or Dr. Grossman!!

I know, I know.........................it's just that this District Manager basically told me I was at the top of his list so I assumed I was a shoe in for the job.  I must have made a bad impression on the Regional girl because everything came to a screeching halt after I talked to her.  And I said in an earlier post that I had another promising job opportunity a couple years back and I got to the third interview and they selected someone else.  I can't help but think that somehow I put off negative "don't hire me" vibes towards the end.  Start with a bang and end up fizzling out.....................don't know....................but after the doc told me about my huge negative energy!!  But I truly have been praying and confessing positive words but I cannot help to obsess about WHY he hasn't called me.

And my h?  I was involved in a series of posts about alcoholism and narcissism.  Several people suggested I go to Al-anon and I went to 4 meetings.  Then my h starts to do better and I think "well, maybe it is not so bad............."  But last night when I came home from a day trip for a competition my daughter was in he was literally falling down drunk.  He looked at me through crossed eyes and was totally incoherent.  He went into the garage and I heard a big bang......he came in and had fallen down.  I told him to go to bed so he went upstairs, another big bang and I ran up to find him in the shower.  Luckily the doors gave way so he didn't break them.....they just went off the track.  So what did I do?  I called my nmom and told her all about him falling through the shower, etc.  She said something like "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were dealing with this at home................"  It was almost like she somehow understood me for a moment.  Her way to deal with it is to get him into treatment and stay with him through thick and thin.  My way is to set some boundaries and truly decide if he doesn't change to divorce him.  And then I think maybe God knew that I would have to deal with this stupid alcoholism and the timing wouldn't be right to go away for 10 days at a time for training (three sets of 10 days - out of town.....)

So I see a light at the end of the tunnel and then BANG the other shoe drops.  I mean, people on this post will tell you that I was making so much progress.  My resolve to get away from nmom was huge and people could see me climbing out of my life traps.  And then the perfect job disappears - poof - and my h is not only a drunk but has started conversing wtih my kids while totally smashed.  For years he hid it from them and now they know because I outed him a couple months ago.  I told him he was outed so now he comes in and rambles on and on in front of them,,,,,(he's their step dad and they don't like him to begin with so the fact that he is a total drunk just makes them look at me and wonder when I am going to get rid of him........)  But part of me says, I need his income...............stupid, I know.  So if I leave him there is selling the house in a slow market and having to stay working with nmom because I couldn't change jobs during all that and you know, it just seems a little cruel and overwhelming right now!!!  Whine away, Kelly!!!

Thanks to all except you know who for listening and giving me input.  I need it.  But I wish I could just turn back the hands of time to two weeks ago and do better at that third interview!!  And you know, maybe I am still in the running and I am just being a doomsday kinda person!!!

[Stormchild]

or maybe that regional girl is an N too, or strongly N-ish, and doesn't want you around because your competence threatens her?????

this could be a blessing in disguise.

(Al-anon, al-anon, al-anon)

[kell as guest]

Who Knows?  She had a heavy New York accent and she had a stronger personality than I (which is hard to do)  And she could have said I dont like her.  I am having a conversation with h today.  He is extremely huggy today~must feel guilty for being so stupid last night.

[Gaining Strength]

errrrrkkkkk!  Screeeeeech!! Put the brakes on there Kell. 

Here is where that  negativity eeks out unnoticed from your unconscious.  (I know this because I am working diligently to uncover my own and to overcome it.  It takes time and persistance.)  Well, I don't know why I was the beneficiary of carhuts first post..............probably because I was whining a bit. That nutcase has NOTHING to do with YOU.  Those are the words of a nutcase.  That person's writings have nothing to do with you, your whining nor Dr. Grossman.  It is just about that person's problems.

The job you interview you never heard back from 3 years ago  had less to do about you than you think.  It is very sad and unkind that people hiring do not let people who don't get the job know that they didn't.  But I had that experience over and over years ago and finally learned by talking to many people that that is a common practise.  Hard to believe isn't it!!!  It is soooo RUDE and so unkind.  How can humans who once were interviewing treat peole like that? I don't know.  But it is not about you!  Likewise, whatever is going on with this current business is more about them than about you. 

Getting a new job is really a numbers game.  There is a very young man who wrote a book about "How to become a Realionnaire" who developed his business practises as a child in the ghetto.  He decided that any sales would require 100 calls.  So when he got turned down 10, 11, 12 times he just saw that as the ones he had to go through to get to the right one.  I think that is a fabulous way to look at the job seeking process.  You have been through at least one of the NOs you have to go through to get to your YES.  Don't give up.  Start applying more and more.  You will learn from the process.  Do you really want to work for a business that cares so little about the way they treat potential employees?  If they treat you like this now, how will they treat you when you work for them?  Keep looking and take the attitude that the right place will be lucky to have YOU.  Remember you are interviewing THEM am much as they are interviewing you. 

Keep at this postive thinking practise.  I have been working on it for several years and am making great progress.  But it is a matter of undoing a lifetime of bad programming.  Be patient and persistent.  You have both of those characteristics.  I have seen them demonstrated in your posts.  My thoughts and encourgement are with you.   - Gaining STrength

[Overcomer]

Hey GS:  Is that eeerrrkkkkk directed at my huggy drunken , remorseful h or at my internalizing my dumb luck (therefore speaking out loud the reason for them not hiring me......yes, I understand that negative words become negative affirmations if you will.  Self fulfilling prophecies.  Stating the truth unknowingly.  I have been walking around saying "That job is mine!!"  "I am the perfect candidate for that job."  But the lack of basic communication frustrates me.  Don't want me?  Fine, than tell me so.  Don't just forget I exist.........especially after you told me I was at the top of your list.  I remember once I was totally in love with a guy.  We were with each other every single day for three months.  So one day I went over to his house (he lived with some buddies and we were all friends..................)  He just didn't show up.  I left at midnight.  It was before cell phones.  Well, a day or two went by and someone finally told me, "Kell, he is seeing someone else."  What?  Aren't you suppose to end it with one person before you start it with another?  Aren't you suppose to write the candidates that you didn't choose and thank them for making it so far in the interview process?  I know I applied at a restaurant once and had a phone interview.  It went well.  Then I never heard from them again.  So I applied again.  Then about six months later they had another positing so I applied like this...................."I went into your restaurant and there was a 16 year old person behind the counter who clearly didn't know what he was doing.  The manager was outside sweaping and the line kept getting longer.................so I went up to the manager and told him he needed to get inside and help the boy.  That will NEVER happen if you hire me."  Well THAT time I got a Dear Jane letter that said, "We don't think you are a good fit for our organization."  I had to laugh at that one!!  I am getting pretty gutsy in my old age and people probably don't like that!!!

[Overcomer]

Oh, and the thing about my drunken husband abusing me with his drunkenness?  I agree.  Sometimes when he drinks he starts the verbal abuse.....blah blah blah.  Never hit me and if he did I would be out of there ............But this constant disappointment.  This weekend drunk thing.  This doesn't have to have much of an excuse to get drunk thing.  Every weekend.  Week in.  Week out.  That is like chinese water torture.  It's like a bad dream that I cannot wake up from.  Same with my nmom.  13 year of working with a self-absorbed, arrogant, temper tantrum throwing, bull in a china closet type women who will not throw me a crumb.  That's it.  That's why my whole life I have looked at nicer homes than I live in now.  I have this dream that if I move into a new home - I will be happy.  I have done that so many times and it is always the same.  And the doc said to me................"No matter where you go - there you are!!"  So I think I'll sign out and finish reading the Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer.  I've got a battle going and I need to be victorious!!!

[Dazed1]

Stormy,

Wow, you are blowing my mind!  You are so good.  Would you be my T?

Kell,
For me, I think Stormy really hit it:  Your job rejections are not necessarily about YOU.  Your interviewer may be an N, may feel threatened by you.  I have been through this job maze too and I felt like many employers feel threatened by competent employees.

Stormy is also right re: it's a numbers game and the more you play, the better you get and then you will (think positively) find a really good job.

And Stormy, the thing about living in FEAR:  For me, that has been my whole life, even now, while I'm trying to heal.

"WHERE ATTENTION GOES, ENERGY FLOWS".  Thank you, Stormy.  This is my new MANTRA!!!!

Kell, you are going through hard times, especially re: your question about whether to leave H due to money.  So, although I do not have great wisdom myself, I think you should take about 20 minutes per day and mediatate, sit quietly and gather your thoughts and decide WHAT YOU WANT and how to get it.

Think about all the things going on in your life:  positive thinking, the job, living in fear, H, Nmom, money and try to figure out what you want and don't want.

Love to you, kell,

dazed

[Overcomer]

[Thank you Stormy and Dazed.   Living in fear of everything always being the same.  Living in fear that there is no good escape strategy.  Negativism by living trying to save myself from drowning.  It's almost like being held under and right before you die, you pop up for a breath.  But it doesn't end.  Almost like those horror movies where the good guy thinks they have FINALLY gotten away from the bad guy and he is around the next corner - with a knife!!  Or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction when we think she is drowned and she jumps out of the bath with one final attempt to win!!  And to stab her foe.

So that is how I feel when I think I have a job.  It's a good job.  The money is good.  The hours are good.  The environment is good.  This one will work.  I can do this.  I can escape the never ending nightmare and move on.  I can feel good about myself.   Believe me, I have applied for so many other jobs.  But none of them feel like this one.  This one has ME written all over it.  I haven't found another job where I could actually see myself, feel myself, imagine myself being there day in and day out......it feels like a step up.  It doesn't have the feeling of "out of the frying pan, into the fire."  That happened to me once.  I DID get another job and it ended being horrible.  Like being in jail.  Go in at 9:45 am and not allowed to leave until 9:45 pm.  I told them I had wrapped my mind around the every Saturday and Sunday and some nights.....but I never anticipated working bell to bell with children at home!!  So I quit and went back to nmom.  But I know if I leave again, it's for good.  So I had myself imagined at this new store.  I was in charge.  I ran the show.  It was mine.  The District Manager and I hit it off on both a personal and professional level.  I knew I had the job.  I knew it!!!!!    I knew it!!!  And that is why I am disappointed if I don't get it.  And I am not saying I am not getting it - I still think they might be too busy.  But part of me thinks if I got a message from someone to call them.......................and I wasn't going to hire them..................then wouldn't you call them??  I left a message with the Assistant Manager at my store to have the DM call me.  Now the Assistant might not have given him the message but I emailed him twice through careerbuilder.com.  And I guess there is a chance he didn't get those emails...............but!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He also said they were going to make an offer next week and that was two weeks ago.......................so fear?  Yes.  Fear of being trapped in this life.  Fear of being trapped in this chubby body.  Fear of being trapped with a drunk husband.  Kell the "drunk magnet."  Oh, I mean, Kell the positive, wonderful opportunity and man magnet!

[CB123]

ed

[Dazed1]

"Yes.  Fear of being trapped in this life.  Fear of being trapped in this chubby body.  Fear of being trapped with a drunk husband.  Kell the "drunk magnet."  Oh, I mean, Kell the positive, wonderful opportunity and man magnet!"

Kell,

I feel for you, I really do.  But, how can you change you're life?  I know you're trying to change it, but maybe you have to change the method you're using to change your life.

Like, the sarcasm you used in the last 2 sentences.  I know you're angry and frustrated, but the sarcasm shows the opposite of positive thinking.  The sarcasm hurts you more than it hurts anyone else.  The sarcasm is inverted anger.  Please ackowledge the anger so that it's not inverted.

Maybe, just sit with your feelings, feel your negative, sad, hopeless feelings and anger, acknowledge them and then, commit to yourself that you want to change.  You have many of the tools to do this.  You just need to make the committment.

Kell, I'm sorry if I'm being too hard on you, but I believe you can grow and feel happier.  I have faith in you.

dazed

[Stormchild]

Hi Dazed -

 thanks - but most of the good stuff here came from you, and the stuff about fear and attention and having enough patience to wait for the numbers to work in your favor - came from GS

- I am tickled pink at the compliments, but want to be sure credit is given where it is due. I'm just keeping the ball in the air, here, with the odd thought now and then. You folks are making the amazing stuff happen!

Kell - have you ever heard of the Book of Kells? I'm going to try and link to it. It is ancient and breathtakingly beautiful...

here's a nice one: http://celtdigital.org/CeltArtKells.htm

and here's the official site... http://www.bookofkells.ie/

See what beauty you were named for!

[Dazed1]

Stormy,

You're right!  "the stuff about fear and attention and having enough patience to wait for the numbers to work in your favor - came from GS "

I'm so sorry GS.  When I respond to a post, sometimes I loose track of who said what and believe it or not, I'm a bit dyslexic (ie: get confused) with the Sts of Storm & Strength.

So sorry, GS  .  But, GS is my VERY GOOD FRIEND and I hope GS knows how much I really & truly care for her  .

Lordy, GS, your wisdom over whelms me.  Not that I think you're incapable of wisdom, but rather,  I wonder if you, GS, know how deep your wisdom is?  Your wisdom is very deep and solid and I feel it and am learning from it.  Will you be my shrink?  I think you already are!!

I loved everything you said about giving power away, living in fear and, of course my VERY FAVORITE  and new mantra: WHERE ATTENTION GOES, ENERGY FLOWS.

I have repeated this mantra to myself several times today and the more I ponder it, the more I see how true it is.  I started thinking of which things in my life I want to give my attention and now, my energy is flowing to those things.  I'm truly amazed how simple this is and how it really does work.  It's like an easy little trick which has a huge payoff.  I love it.  So, thank you again, GS, for CHANGING my life for the better.

I must say, I've spent a good deal of time posting this weekend and I have gained such insight and wisdom from it.  I feel empowered and have clearer vision. It's unbelievable.  I'm loving it and am so GRATEFUL for it.

Kell, I wish my overflowing cup will spill onto you.

Love to you all,
dazed