Hi, Axa. I think people here, perhaps more than any other place, can completely relate to your pain right now. What you are dealing with IS really tough.
Maybe start giving yourself a little secret gift, say a minute of every hour, to FEEL what your life would be like, if it was exactly as you want it. Don't know what you want? Well, that's very typical. We spend so much of our time with these people, trying to make something awful, somehow not so awful, that we have little time to find our "happy" life, even in our head (they do that to us on purpose....).
So back up, imagine something wonderful for your life...don't let any little "shoulds" or "no, not possibles" enter your brain during this little bit of time. It's your head, your imagination, no one else's....so what's the BEST life you can come up with? Let it get better, bigger, happier every time.
Why do I think this is helpful? Because everything starts with a thought. Just a thought. Things grow and happen and are created from our thoughts. So instead of focusing on what you DON'T want (yup, I know .....I've been there...I know how hard it is not to do this...I still work at it) practice, a little at a time, focusing on what you DO want.
Good things will start to happen, once you plant that little seed of faith in your head and heart.
I think what N's do to us, worst of all, is strip us of our faith. I spent so many years with no faith at all, in myself, in the universe, in the goodness of others, in God.....but it was all in my power all along to claim that again, as it is in your power.
Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but the best ride you have every taken.....it's YOUR life, Axa. YOUR life.