walking away

[axa]

Hi everyone

what is becoming more and more clear to me is that people who have clearer boundaries than me would have left this situation a long time ago.  I realise I have great difficulty in letting go as it brings up all sorts of abandonment issues for me.  I am not happy in this situation.  I read something yesterday which said you should act yourself on the advice you give to others.............well I would have advised my friends if they were in the situation I am in to WALK.  Getting the walking shoes out, hope I can tie the laces, they have not been on me for some considerable time.

Staying in an abusive situation is as much about me as him.  I need to take responsibility about my staying.  I know I was not abusive to him, but I stayed and took the crazy destructive behaviour.  It is so mad I will not describe it.  I have listened, argued, justified but nothing has changed, and I am beginning to realise that nothing is going to change so letting in this information, boy it hurts.

AXA

[Stormchild]

Axa, the only thing that surpasses your courage here is your honesty. I don't know if it will help yet, but it should help eventually: the thing about this kind of pain is that if you keep moving forward, you emerge from it. It ends up behind you, part of your history, and although you never forget it, its power changes from hurting to transforming.

You won't see anything the same way ever again - not yourself, not others - and although there is some loss in that, there is far more gain, ultimately.

Been there. Still working my way out of the fogbank, but it's a lot easier to see what's ahead, these days...

((((((((((Axa))))))))))

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa, A slight shift of perspective might help you to tie those laces. When I was at the stage where you are now, I had a dim realization that it was no longer about giving up hope that the other will ever hear, or change, or respond appropriately. Actually, it was more a change of gears into pure survival mode, as that paralyzed monkey (referenced in another thread) was reinvigorated at the point of a knife. Staying was simply no longer an option... it was suddenly clear that it was either him or me. I thank God for the instincts that kicked into gear despite the paralyzing effects of N's shock and awe campaign. I guess what I'm trying to say is... please be cautious. "I can't do this anymore" is a message that's never well received by N and some can be quite dangerous when they know you've truly reached your limit. Take care.

Hope

[penelope]

yes axa.  Please be careful.  When I left my ex N b/f he threatened to kill me and my family if I told anyone he worked with about his alcoholism.

hugs,
penelope bean

[Sela]

Dear Axa:

Do you have a support system?  People you can go to who will help you through this?
Is there a woman's shelter anywhere you can get to?

They usually have a wealth of information and are very supportive.

I hope you have people in your life who you can rely on and who are there for you at this stage.

Glad you are here posting!  Keep doing that, all you need to, if it helps. 

You're doing a good job, so far!  Got the shoes on.  That's primary.  Next.....right over left and under.....

Sela

[mum]

Hi, Axa. I think people here, perhaps more than any other place, can completely relate to your pain right now. What you are dealing with IS really tough.
 Maybe start giving yourself a little secret gift, say a minute of every hour, to FEEL what your life would be like, if it was exactly as you want it. Don't know what you want? Well, that's very typical. We spend so much of our time with these people, trying to make something awful, somehow not so awful, that we have little time to find our "happy" life, even in our head (they do that to us on purpose....).  

So back up, imagine something wonderful for your life...don't let any little "shoulds" or "no, not possibles" enter your brain during this little bit of time. It's your head, your imagination, no one else's....so what's the BEST life you can come up with? Let it get better, bigger, happier every time.
Why do I think this is helpful? Because everything starts with a thought. Just a thought.  Things grow and happen and are created from our thoughts. So instead of focusing on what you DON'T want (yup, I know .....I've been there...I know how hard it is not to do this...I still work at it) practice, a little at a time, focusing on what you DO want.
Good things will start to happen, once you plant that little seed of faith in your head and heart.

I think what N's do to us, worst of all, is strip us of our faith. I spent so many years with no faith at all, in myself, in the universe, in the goodness of others, in God.....but it was all in my power all along to claim that again, as it is in your power.

Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but the best ride you have every taken.....it's YOUR life, Axa. YOUR life.

[Hopalong]

Mum:

We spend so much of our time with these people, trying to make something awful, somehow not so awful, that we have little time to find our "happy" life

Thank you, Mum.
You are so wise and kind and smart and...wise.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Axa,
I wish you tons of courage and the knowledge that you are doing what is right. It will feel so good when you are on the other side of all this. And do be careful.
Love, Beth

[axa]

What wonderful advice and support. N is not dangerous in the sense that he would do anything.  I think at some level he will be releaved because I have been so angry with him.  I had an amazing insight last night which I would like to share.

I have been carrying so much anger about him, about why I am in this relationship etc.  and something clicked for me.  I am full of anger and have been since I was a child with my n parents.  Seeking out N relationships I have a legitimate reason to be raging with someone.  I believe if i can sort out my OWN anger i will not need to repeat this pattern. 

Anger is so familiar to me.  I do not usually rage, keep it down, as I do not want to act like my raging mother but it is in there festering all the time waiting for a target.  God I sound a bit N ish.  But I know I am not because I am aware of others feelings and have the ability to be genuinely good and kind....but there is that rage.  It is as if the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place.

When I leave him what will i do with my anger..........that is a question which came to me.  Yes his behaviour is terrible but I have stayed for it.  I have stored up all his misdemeanors and trawled through them, I want to say feasted on the injustice of them and it has distracted me from my life.  I have not lived my life with joy.  I have chosen crazy men to create the unresolved drama of my childhood.  this was all unconscious.  I thought I was looking for someone good but I think now I was not.  I was looking for my Nparents to rage at them.

This morning I woke up without anger for the first time in since I cannot remember.  I think this is the key for me to move on.

I would be very interested in peoples thoughts on this insight.

axa

[Certain Hope]

Axa,

  I'm relieved to hear that N is not a physical threat! And I wonder, have you really been angry with him, or with your parents, or possibly most angry with yourself?

Just a couple thoughts re: sorting out this anger...   forgiveness is the ticket out, I believe. For me, that meant personally receiving forgiveness (from God) ... a humbling process indeed. It was a matter of recognizing that "there but for the grace of God go I". Beyond that, taking a good hard look at my expectations ~ of myself, of others with whom I'd choose to be intimate ~ that helped to clarify things for me so that I could begin anew with a solid foundation, instead of shifting sand.

The admonition to not let the sun go down on your anger is a wise one, I think, as is a clear understanding of what forgiveness is... and what it is not. Righteous anger can be quite an effective catalyst, when processed in healthy ways, but unless it moves forward into forgiveness, it begins to decay and stink. I don't know how to discuss forgiveness without relating it to God, so please bear with me here...  the way I understand it is that forgiving someone is not forgetting the offense, and it's certainly not saying that what happened was ok. It's giving up our right to retaliate and releasing that person to God's judgment. I found it humanly impossible to forgive in some cases, until I recognized a couple things. First... that I am capable myself of some great wrongs and so no better than anyone else... and second, that forgiveness is a choice, and not a feeling. It's an act of the will. With some folks in my own life, I've had to choose to forgive daily for some time before the feelings followed suit.

On another note... this has nothing to do with anger, but I've found myself going to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum in order to avoid acting/ thinking/ relating like my mother.  That's not always been a good thing. I think that in trying to avoid one ditch, we can veer too far the other way and land in the ravine on the other side. The more I've separated myself internally from her and forgiven those things which I've perceived as her failings, the easier it's become to be myself. So now, when I catch myself responding in a certain way that reminds me of her, all the rest of the muck is not tangled up with it.

Well, I hope this makes some sense and might be of some help to you, too. Blessings on your growing through all of this.

Hope

[Stormchild]

axa,

i think you've just managed to do in two days on this board what it can take years to do with the best of therapists...

and by sharing the insight you're teaching and helping others.

strength and blessings for the journey -- you have the roadmap now --

[pennyplant]

This morning I woke up without anger for the first time in since I cannot remember. 
I think this is the key for me to move on.

Yes, Axa, when this kind of release occurs for me it has been a sign that a piece of the puzzle slipped into place and something just got healed.  It means you are heading in the right direction.  And explaining it here to us is part of that healing process.  You learned something important.  Now get ready for more!!

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,
I think this insight is BRILLIANT:

it has distracted me from my life.  I have not lived my life with joy.  I have chosen crazy men to create the unresolved drama of my childhood.  this was all unconscious.  I thought I was looking for someone good but I think now I was not.  I was looking for my Nparents to rage at them.

And though I'm agnostic (which I sometimes think is just a vocabulary problem) I couldn't agree more with Hope about forgiveness. That is the only thing that has released me from hurt and anger in the past, and I believe it needs to guide the rest of my life too. (And also, that it's separate from accepting disrespect or harmful behavior...sometimes we forgive from a safe distance.)

Your growth is tremendous.

Hops

[axa]

Thak you all so much.  I too did not want to be like my mother and so have not gotten angry when it was appropriate but tried to reason with unreasonable people.  Yes I went to the other polarity, need to get into the middle of the road.

I looked up the triangle literature, victum rescurer etc...........and boy did I recognise myself.  All the time whizzing around that triangle, blaming, rescuing etc.  Am sick of it.  Dont like the dance or the music in there anymore. 

I am feeling much calmer and less panicked which is great.  My challenge right now is to keep my mouth shut and stop trying to reason with N.  It is an impossible and useless task.........feel another growth spurt coming on.

xxx to you all

axa