My step son and his mother

[stargzr56]

My step son is 16 and has all the traits of narccisim. He is the most selfish person and thinks that the world should revolve around him. Now taking into consideration his age, we recogonize that some of this is typical teenage behavior, however it is to a degree that warrants help. We have had him in counseling and the therapist seen him for a few months and our son convinced him that he was ready to be released and so they did.
His biological mother is a nightmare mess with this problem and is 5 times what our son is. Unfortunatly, the mother, {before my husband could get the majority of the parenting time for the past two years}, has been the major infulence on this child, and not by our choice. At age 13 our son had a big problem with his mother and he did not like who she was or what she had become. When we told her of this problem she pushed him away for a short while then the manipulation began. She became his best buddy instead of a parent and left the dicipline up to us, therefore giving this child the freedom and anything he wanted. We have been batteling this for years now and it is starting to have the same effect on the other 3 boys. She uses emotional guilt and manipulation to emotionally abuse these children. What can we do as parents to help the other three children break from this "poor mommy" syndrome and help them recogonize the problem and how to handle living with a person like this? Afterall, this is thier mother that they feel very sorry for and attached to, and what ever we say she rebutes with "they don't like me and are trying to take you away from mommy". We always seem to be the "bad guy" as she projects that to the children. They are young kids and have been used with guilt and manipulation since thier birth. We would appreciate any comments and/or advice in how to deal with the child that is afflicted and the mother. We are not feeling that we should "give in" to this type of behavior from either one or "give them thier way".
Thank you
Stargzr56

[Anonymous]

Check out this website: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/index.htm

It's for non-custodial parents, and parents in divorce situations where the other parent is manipulating the child. Very helpful!!

bunny

[mcginnis40]

This is an extremely difficult situation.  You and your husband have a great challenge in front of you.

I wonder...does your stepson behave the same way toward his mother that he behaves toward you?  If his mother really is as bad as you say, and the son is following in her footsteps, their relationship must be volatile (to say the least).

I can't really offer any advice, since I have never had to deal with a situation like that.  Intuitively, I think you should be the best parents you can when you spend time with the children (to give them a dose of healthy reality), and I think you should let them know that you are always there to talk to when they can't deal with, or don't understand, their mother.  It seems to me that she is playing pretty dangerous mind games with these kids, and sooner or later the effects will be felt.  All you can do is the best you can do, and reminding them that you love them and are there for them is never a bad thing.

I also think it might not be a bad thing for you to enter therapy as a couple to try to develop a strategy for dealing with these problems, and to invite the boy along to have a non-threatening environment in which to discuss his mother.  Somehow, I think the boy needs to know that you believe his mother is doing things wrong, but that is so difficult to say.

I wish you all the best.

Joyce