I'm very glad to have found this message board. I've been lurking for quite awhile and am glad to see that I am not alone in being raised without much of a voice.
My mother, 57, has suffered a lot through her life. She was mentally and physically abused as a child and raised in poverty. She was the youngest, which made things even more difficult. Her father died of Parkinson's when she was 16 and she quit school around the same time (but got her GED later, might I add) to help my grandma. By the time I came along, she had a series of physical, and then mental, sicknesses. In the first few years of my life, she had two major surgeries and suffered from severe Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder. When I was two, she went to an inpatient treatment program for both disorders. I, of course, was too young to understand. As those first years of my life went on, her relationship with my father deteriorated and ended in divorce when I was 7.
During the two years in which she and I were alone, we forged a 'bond of anxiety' as I like to call it. She protected me fiercely. She questioned my father and step-mother's every actions. I felt guilty for visiting them because I was 'betraying' my mom. Of course, she never stated this to me, but it was implied, no matter how much she knew I was just visiting my father. To make matters worse, my father and step-mom owned a cat which I developed an allergy to. This allergy resulted in asthma. They would not get rid of the cat and I had to stop staying over on the weekends, thus negatively affecting my relationship with them and giving my mom more ammunition to use against 'the bad guys'.
When I was 10, she remarried and I gained a step dad and brother. Like most 10 year olds in new step families, I didn't adujst very well. Instead of helping me adjust, my most prominent memory is my mother defending me against her new husband. If he did something I didn't like, she would defend me to the end. Instead of giving me a voice, I became the one that could do no wrong against all of the people in the world that were trying to be mean to me.
Funny thing is that almost every time I accomplish something and my mom says she is proud of me, she tells me the story about how her therapist (when I was young) couldn't believe that she was able to protect her daughter from her horrible upbringing. She is clueless.
Fast forward 20 years. I'm a responsible, independent adult. I've been in therapy for 4 years and much of the understanding I have of my upbringing was discovered in all those sessions. I've learned to set boundries and break the cycle of co-dependency with my mother. My personal relationships have improved and after a few unhealthy relationships, I know how to ask for what I need and value my individuality while in one.
*BUT*
My mother is suffering. She tells me that we are 'drifting apart'. She says she misses me. When I question anything she tells me, she states that she 'tries hard to stay out of my life'. She attacks me when I set boundries by throwing every manipulative comment in the book at me, yet she is 'just being a mom' if confronted about anything she says or does. Her health is declining - she constantly cancells her apopintments. She won't get emotional support form anyone else but her family. She demonizes her husband. She tells him to go out with me and have fun when she cancels our plans. She hasn't been to a family gathering in years. Just yesterday, she hung up on me twice. Four hours later, my step father called me to ask if I would give her a call and tell her I'm not mad at her because, "she can't go to sleep unless she knows you're not mad". I called. It was a trap. She cornered me in the coversation and told me that when we spoke earlier, she was just trying to "talk to me like I talk to her" and that she doesn't know why I'm so cold. I guess you had to be there.
I'm sorry, but once you're a mother you're always a mother. I feel like mine is already dead.
Thanks for listening...
Doodle
