Emptiness and isolation

[whitewolf]

This is my first post here.....and first I wanted to say I"m glad that I've found this group to get out some of these emotions.  Lately I've really been struggling with emptiness and isolation..specifically fighting with it today for some reason.  I have been in contact with my dysfunctional family a lot more in the last week than I have in a while and I guess that may be what has me thrown.  It gets frustrating cuz I keep going back for more.  I get frustrated, angry, etc..then I kinda get passed it..then I end up goin back for more..and then I end up with those emotions all over again.  Where do i draw the line...and a better question is HOW do I draw that line??  Anyway..I think i'm done rambling for now. 

[mum]

Welcome, Whitewolf! I think a lot of people know this one. I don't really know it so much from my family of origin, but from people I chose to be family (friends, ex husbands). I think we "come back for more" because there is something there we want. On a primitive level, we want connection, validation from our kin. On a spiritual level, I think we keep running into the same pain because we haven't figured out why it's there for us. We need to explore that pain, see what it's about. What is it I could possibly learn as a soul from this situation, that I keep finding myself in?
Anyway, that's what I had to learn (kept picking different versions of the same N man!)....and I'm still learning it in different ways everyday. I'm not into jackass men anymore, so I guess some practical things have been learned. Remember, the journey IS the goal.
I hope you will share more. I bet there are so many people here who can relate and offer more helpful advice.

[whitewolf]

Thanks for the welcome...and what you said makes perfect sense.  I think that is totally why i end up going back for more and more and more and then beating myself up later.  I go back with the best of intentions..and a lot of the time..end up with the same negative end result.  I keep tryin to figure out what's wrong with me..why do I keep allowing myself to be used and manipulated by them??  I know I  need to learn how to set those boundaries with people...especially my family if I have any hopes of being able to improve and strengthen myself.  And especially if I am to strengthen myself to the point of finding that healing.

[Hops]

Welcome, Wolf...

I think it may be to your benefit to focus strongly on setting the boundaries. Assertiveness training can be a big help. It teaches you how to detach and set (and repeat, and repeat, and repeat...since everyone will be very puzzled by your new behavior, so you'll be "training" them to eventually associate this new behavior as the way you [now] are) these boundaries calmly. You can set a boundary without fear or anger, which gives them nothing to fight with or pick on. And also leaves you feeling that you have your dignity and healing self-esteem, so you're less likely to add the double punishment of beating up on yourself..

One the boundaries are around you like a shield, and the more you practice setting them at the first sign that there's a need....you can think and learn the "why" of it without fear of damage while you're distracted.

Sometimes, the very skilled at all this can set boundaries WHILE thinking. But I find I have to first build a new instinct for saying No, disengaging, and especially (x100) not being affected by a tone of voice or expression. (Someone else...PP?....described that brilliantly here recently.) Then, I can think about the Meaning of It All later, alone. And in peace because I'm not beating myself up because I kept my dignity.

Too rambling, sorry...hope it made sense.

Hopalong

[mum]

One thing I learned that's essential, is to identify what your core belief about yourself is. I believed deep down, that I was not worthy, that I was somehow less than deserving of what I wanted, that in order to be "good" I had to suffer. Never mind where all those came from (I know, but don't want to bore you)...the bottom line is, nothing will change if the underlying belief system, that is driving your choices, is not addressed. And that also takes work (but it's the most rewarding work you will ever do, bar none!).
So take a little time to look at that. I think most people who fall into the N traps are caring, loving, and forgiving, and we just can't understand why the N's keep preying on us. Well there's a million reasons for that, (most of them involving abnormalities in the N's character and soul), but what WE create for our lives in the way of experiences, is deeply driven by our underlying self concept (and thus our choices as this in action). Change our thoughts, feelings and beliefs....change our outward circumstances.

[moonlight52]

((((((((((((((((((((((mum)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I feel joy reading your words ,after so many dark days of not believing in self worth or in a bright day I now can hear a

sweet song in my heart......................

MoonLight

[moonlight52]

Welcome Wolf , Emptiness and Isolation .I know these very well .

There is a path a way  to look inward and to love yourself.Be kind to yourself .

I have lived most of my life trying to be accepted by some family members that clearly
were never going to do anything but hurt me.Enough.

Now that I know its them not me .I can heal me.Thats what the work is .
Its not easy but nothing worthwhile is.

MoonLight

[axa]

Hi Wolf,

I hear your hurt and pain.  A friend of mine once said to me as I was ranting about my family of origin "But you know every time you pick up the phone you are going to be disappointed or hurt, so why do you do it".  This I really heard and so my phone calls became less at that time and when I did call I said her words to myself.  I was choosing the contact knowing it was going to be a bad experience. 

It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to be in a place where I can have contact with memebers of my family and be in a position where they do not hurt me.  When I had expectations, disappointment followed.  Now I see the majority of them as extremely hurt people who are very angry(as I am) and their anger towards me is not personal.  I see they project onto me sometimes and somehow I can feel compassion for them.  The key for me was to loose the expectations that made a huge difference.

I think if you look back at the interactions with your family members they have specific patterns of behaviour.  It might be interesting to write down each members pattern.  This is a concrete thing to do and the next time you engage with that person be aware that the outcome is more than likely to be the same as it was the last time.  The more you know this, I think, the more you can step out of the game and observe from the sidelines.

Hope this is of some help to you.

axa

[pennyplant]

Hi Whitewolf,

Feelings of emptiness and isolation are very hard to bear and sometimes, it seems to me lately, these emotions have little to do with who is in my life or what is going on.  That old cliche about alone is not the same as lonely--I understand that one more and more these days.

A week or so ago, a thread was started about the use of fantasy.  I shared one that I have been indulging myself with and said that I have given myself "permission" to have this fantasy because it makes me feel good for awhile.  Well, after I posted that, I suddenly abandoned it.  And noticed that I was left with this terrible loneliness.  My emotions were heavy and I realized that without my fantasy, which I have had in various forms all my life, I am left to feel what I really feel.  And it is really hard to bear sometimes.  But it seems I have little choice right now except to do just that.  Carry it around with me for awhile.  Covering it up with my "love affair" fantasies hasn't made it go away.  Fantasy hasn't worked any magic on my real life.

Feeling these kinds of emotions is hard, sad work.  But for me it is freeing on some level too.  I have no idea where you are in the process or if this helps with your question.  Drawing the line with these people?  I guess it depends on what you want for your life.  If you have particular lessons you are interested in, or particular goals, then that is part of building up or breaking down these relationships.  I have been finding that feelings of emptiness and isolation do result when I make changes such as drawing a line in my life.  It has scared me into thinking that I will always feel that way.  It is hard to wait it out until the new good things fill in.  It is hard to believe that the new good things will fill in.  But that is exactly what I'm teaching myself to believe.  And teaching myself to do.

Welcome, Whitewolf.  I hope this place helps you with your healing work.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Oh Penny,

This is one of the bravest things I have ever read:

Fantasy hasn't worked any magic on my real life.

I have so much respect for your courage and your determination.
And thank you for writing it so beautifully that you move and inspire me.

Thank you, ((((((((((((Penny)))))))))))))

May the good things fast fill in...and you give me faith that they will.

Hops

[SilverLining]

This is my first post here.....and first I wanted to say I"m glad that I've found this group to get out some of these emotions.  Lately I've really been struggling with emptiness and isolation..specifically fighting with it today for some reason.  I have been in contact with my dysfunctional family a lot more in the last week than I have in a while and I guess that may be what has me thrown.  It gets frustrating cuz I keep going back for more.  I get frustrated, angry, etc..then I kinda get passed it..then I end up goin back for more..and then I end up with those emotions all over again.  Where do i draw the line...and a better question is HOW do I draw that line??  Anyway..I think i'm done rambling for now. 

I've been in this place.  Back to the well for the thousandth time and come up with an empty bucket once again.  In a good mood, I find myself agreeing to increased contact with the family, then by the end of a visit the good mood is long gone.  After a couple of months recovery time there I go again. 

I suspect there is some hope of finally getting the "parenting" I did not receive in earlier years.  Another aspect is simple conditioning.  They trained me to do their bidding a long time ago, when my survival seemed to depend on filling their needs.  Fear is a powerful conditioner.   So when it becomes clear they are unhappy, the fear in me is automatically triggered, even though it has now been many years since I was physically dependent on them. 

I think I have done better lately at catching the feelings before they take over.  I realize I don't have to go into a funk just because my family of origin is not happy with my choices.  Now I can work on reconditioning myself in a positive direction. 

good luck White wolf.  Perseverance is key.   

 

[cat]

Penny - I really liked what you said about writing things down. 

WhiteWolf - if you feel you don't have the time to sit and write things down just yet - use a calendar.  Just jot down a note of the person that you spoke with, and the feelings you wound up with - - - and then see how long it takes to get past those feelings.  It might help to see how they're making you feel - and at the same time encourage you each time you spend less time getting past those awful feelings.  After I noticed this about myself, I carefully choreograph my phone calls to my nMom.  I've actually put a timer on the phone call.  If I don't, then she talks about herself for a full hour.   

I don't know if the suggestions will work for you - but they're my little ways of coping with it.

I'm glad you're here - keep writing.