Perspective is a funny thing, isn't it? I read this and saw you as brave and determined, breaking your own path, and just plugging away, in spite of the obstacles. Striving. For what it's worth, imho, you've come a very long way from where you started (PP the person, and PP the spouse and mother) especially considering you had to find your own grace without a lot of support or direction in childhood.
Ah, thank you LoH, for calling me brave and determined, just plugging away. It seems I'm ready now to see the past with that kind of a perspective. I'm ready to let go of the disappointments and regrets. I'm finally seeing that I had to learn some things in a certain way. And I am learning them. I am beginning to value my existance for what it is, not for what I thought it
should be.
Once, when I was a mail carrier, a customer came to her door while I was delivering her mail, and she said, "Wow, you must be very brave to do this job!" And she meant it. She sounded absolutely in awe. And it took me some thinking to figure out what she might have meant. It does take some bravery I suppose to take responsibility for handling someone else's important mail, go to the homes of strangers and find your way around the porch or the side door or even talking to them and asking for signatures, etc. Looking them in the eye, taking care of their property while you are there, walking on streets where maybe you've never been there before in your life, or it seems not so safe, or just the opposite, it seems too rich for you to even be there. I did the job because it was what I was paid to do. But I guess I could have said, nope, this isn't for me. Or I could've done a not so great job. Perhaps it does take some bravery to do certain things. To me it was not that much of a stretch from what I've had to do my whole life. All the times I had to walk to school and go by kids who picked on me. All the times I had to get myself to dance lessons or the park or a new friend's house, because nobody wanted to take me or go with me. All the times we have moved and had to learn a new town or city. I thought I did these things because I had to. But it is more likely that I chose this kind of life because I wanted to or needed to. So, maybe there is some "brave" in there. I would like to think so.
On ReallyMe's thread about not being here, I have posted an insight I had this weekend. For me, gaining insight is everything. So, I would say the journey is going well. I'm learning some things I set out to learn. It feels like another puzzle piece slipped into place. After a week of feeling lonely and starting to lose hope, then comes this weekend of understanding and starting to feel good about being me. It seems that the depressions last for shorter and shorter amounts of time. Letting myself feel my feelings seems to be part of what is making the difference. I suppose I should know better by now that feelings of sadness and loneliness always resolve in time. But in the midst of it, I do start to think, oh, is this how I'm going to feel from now on? I do start to worry even though I really do know better. I get a little scared when it seems to be lasting too long and I seem to be out of ideas. But I don't need to have all the ideas myself. And that is such a good thing.
LoH, I'm so glad your mother got a good diagnosis. I bet she feels just giddy to have a second chance. She had to be kind of scared when it was thought she might have cancer. Very, very good news!
Pennyplant
