Hi again Pennyplant,
You know, imho, you're writing here like someone who's just found another level. Does it feel that way, that good for you? I hope so.
I wonder about my old stubbornness. What was it really all about? It seems less difficult now for me to be willing to give up what doesn't work. And to see that it doesn't work. Is it partly the toxic shame I felt all my life mixed in with pride? Or trying to feel safe on some level? Maybe I just never knew the lightness I might feel or the possibility of happiness without all my old crutches. I don't think I ever stopped long enough to be able to feel it or see it. I was convinced I was right to be defensive, angry, tense. I had reasons for everything I did. Anybody who tried to tell me different seemed kind of stupid to me. Or like they weren't listening.
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These sound like great reasons to cling to stubbornness, PP. Also, for me at least (F.'s childhood 'pet' name for me=Bullhead. Ick), stubbornness arose from being parked at the self-serve pump by my parents at a young age. So it was a hard thing to give up, making snap decisions and sticking to my guns no matter what. Maybe a big part of the difference for you now is that you're in a healthier place, and have the emotional room and knowledge to step back, reflect, and say, Hey, this isn't working..so why not let it go? I think that's all but impossible to do as a child, when we have to cling to whatever self-defenses (pure reaction, mostly) seem to get us through.
After about a year, my job got even harder yet. It brought me to my outer limits physically. Really showed me what I could do if I had to. Fortunately, I didn't have to tap myself out. I was able to change to something more reasonable for me just in the nick of time.
But it did teach me a lot. And sometimes now I will remind myself that if I don't understand things, or am not feeling all that great, I can just concentrate on the tasks at hand. It can be somewhat ritualistic and repetitive. And that does bring me to a different level sometimes. I think my co-workers who actually enjoy their jobs have discovered this aspect of it.
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Thanks for this, PP. It's a comforting solution I'd like to try more consciously, like you describe. Sounds like wise acceptance. As does what you said about not wasting energy on job worries. The good news is, then it stays positive energy you can direct elsewhere. Toward your intention. (btw, this non-worry positivity just worked for me. Resigned my job with N boss yesterday for a better one!)
As obvious as it may sound, I think usually the smartest thing we can do with our brains is recognize what is
optional vs. necessary. With work, at home, in our hearts. I've used that as a stop: okay, recognize the emotion, accept the why of it...then consider how much energy I'm gonna' throw there, how much room I'd
really like to make for, say, irritation. I'd say less the better feels best.
Amen to what you said about coming here, PP. I feel the same, that people share things every day that I may have never considered otherwise. Feels so good. Little building blocks dropping into my heart.
And Hops, I'm with PP about your sermon. If you'd feel comfortable, would
love to hear some of it. You've written so movingly here about the struggle with loneliness and isolation and it's an issue for so many people. Hope, if you like, you'll share the good word.
Best to everyone,
LoH
PS- hate to put it here, but just ran out of time for a 2nd post. I'm leaving for a bit due to my Mom's (hopefully minor) surgery. No need to respond, please,
especially not on Penny's great thread, but if you could keep a good thought for her it'd mean a lot to me. Thanks.
