Sleep deprivation

[pennyplant]

This is a quick one, because I'm tired  , but didn't want to lose my thought.

There have been times in my life when I've been tired, exhausted, etc.  Often it has led to physical symptoms such as temporarily losing part of my eyesight (yeah, that was a weird sensation, and I'm glad it was temporary!), muscle pain, crankiness, all kinds of things really.

And then there have been times when my sleep patterns and amounts have been disturbed.  I know there have been experiments to show what that does to reasoning skills and coordination.  But I noticed something this week that relates to some of the things we talk about here.

I have been getting abnormally small amounts of sleep at erratic times of the day for about a week and a half due to my work schedule.  Basically, it's because I had to start each day at 3:15 am.  In general,  I always try to get up an hour early to get ready for work.  So, that means the alarm goes off (we have a CD player, so it's some favorite Coldplay music) at 2:15 am.  The guys who always work these hours, and are therefore "used" to them, are both on vacation.  So, I'm one of the people covering for them.

I get very wound up when I have to get up that early and often only sleep between 4 and 5 hours.  But this week it has been more like 2 hours.  Then I try and take a nap when I get home to make up for it.  Another 2 hours at the most.  And something interesting evolved.  One of the "skills" that fell to the wayside this week, is my normal nervous defensiveness.  I just haven't had the brain power to second guess everything I say and do.  And I've been ever-so-slightly less inhibited.  Not foolish or anything.  But more ready to laugh at times.  More able to have a sense of humor about myself.  More expressive verbally.  But if I feel quiet or less conversational, I haven't worried about that either!  Just went about my business trying to fulfill my tasks until something occurred to me to talk about.

I felt this way for quite some time when I first got this job.  But at that time I didn't connect it with sleep disturbance.  That certainly had to be a factor back then.  My job is far more physical than I was previously used to and the hours erratic so it took a long time to learn to just sleep when I had the chance.  I'm fairly well adjusted now, but that first six months to a year I wasn't used to it yet and probably was sleep-deprived without realizing itl.

I love not having that "nervous defensiveness" always coming to the surface!  It feels like I'm just being myself!  Laid-back, not worried about what others may or may not be thinking.  Just being cool  and confident.  I want to bottle it!

Now, don't get me wrong.  I absolutely do not intend to practice sleep deprivation as a means of becoming cool and laid-back.  I like my sleep way too much.  My hope is just to draw on the experience of how I have felt this week and find a way to tap into it on a more regular basis as a better way to be.  I want to use this experience to change the tape in my head.  I think this is an opportunity for such a change.

Any suggestions for new mental phrases that might play well in this situation?  I'm totally serious.  It seems to me that I might have it in me to let go of my normal (unreasonable) defensiveness.  But I need a way to change my old habits and make the new ones more dominant on a day to day basis while still sleeping eight hours a day!

Pennyplant

[Stormchild]

Hi Pennyplant

from C.S. Lewis, "The Screwtape Letters", chapter 30:

"Fatigue can produce extreme gentleness, and quiet of mind, and even something like vision. If you have often seen men led by it into anger, malice and impatience, that is because those men have had efficient tempters. The paradoxical thing is that moderate fatigue is a better soil for peevishness than absolute exhaustion. This depends partly on physical causes, but partly on something else. It is not fatigue simply as such that produces the anger, but unexpected demands on a man already tired. Whatever men expect they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on our part, be turned into a sense of injury. It is after men have given in to the irremediable, after they have despaired of relief and ceased to think even a half-hour ahead, that the dangers of humbled and gentle weariness begin."

When one of my furbabies had to be tube fed every four hours to save her life, I was as meek and gentle as a lamb, the entire three weeks that this had to be done. I've never forgotten it. Everything was in proper proportion. I knew what was really important and what was not. And I was living on about three hours sleep a night, and getting that much only because of taking melatonin.

I wasn't able to hold onto the extraordinary detachment - I hope you will be able to. I remember it, and it's what I strive towards now...

[If you haven't heard of The Screwtape Letters, here's a link: it's a classic work of Christian fiction, letters from a senior devil in the Lowerarchy to a junior tempter on earth. You will be surprised... mainstream Anglican thought, then, was in some ways far ahead of mainstream US Christian thought now... more emphasis on justice, mercy, caring for the poor, avoiding pride and envy, etc. ...

http://members.fortunecity.com/phantom1/books2/c._s._lewis_-_the_screwtape_letters.htm#  ]

[pennyplant]

Stormy, you know exactly what I mean!  And I do think it was a gift for both of you that you were able to nurse your furbaby for those three weeks.  These are the kinds of things that truly matter in life.  Just being open to love in all its forms.

Thank you for the link.  This particular reading is very appropriate for me at this time.  It's something I would not have connected with this topic on my own, though, so I'm glad it came to your mind to share it.  I have read through the first three letters so far and will go back and keep reading.  It seems that we certainly are living in a time period of being distracted by meaninglessness and a constant sense of injury.

Also, today I happened to read a short article by an acquaintance of mine who has a column in our local pennysaver.  She told about a recent, temporary cycle of over work and how it kept her from spending the necessary time "being."  And when the cycle was over, she became ill and was forced to be still and just "be".  Then she went on to describe the idea that humans have had only a short period of existance and before we were humans, we were rocks, gases, trees, and single cells.  The tree is her own best example of "being" and it is what she tries to emulate.  In her readings, she came across the idea that the tree does not bow to criticism nor does it raise its nose to praise.  It just is a tree.  A part of the universe.

I'm guessing that once I get caught up on my rest, I may revert to my old defenses.  But at least this time I have an understanding of what is going on and what is possible.  I will know what it feels like to be detached and yet still a part of the universe.  I will remember what it feels like to be myself.  That's got to matter on some level.

Thank you very much, Stormy.

PP

[Certain Hope]

Storm, thank you, thank you for that awesome quote from CS Lewis! I have experienced that blissful exhaustion on four occasions in my lifetime, coming home following the births of each of my children. Such a deep, unshakeable calm inner sense of peace... as though I was outside of time. In the old home videos, I remember my voice is even different then... almost like a dreamy melody.
You have brought back to mind some very sweet memories, at just the right moment.

Pennyplant, you said:  " It seems that we certainly are living in a time period of being distracted by meaninglessness and a constant sense of injury"      

Yes, it seems that offense is increasing. Jesus said it this way in Matthew chapter 24:
   10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

We often hear about earth shattering events that supposedly portend the end of the world, but rarely is this little passage mentioned in discussions of apocryphal events. Many shall be offended and betray one another, hating one another, and the love of many shall wax cold. Gives me chills.

Hope

[WRITE]

wow, perfect synchronicity!

I just tuned in feeling vaguely anxious & a little despondent- I often get this dip in energy in the evening.
Sometimes it makes me want to drink, which I have to be careful with.

So what did I do to provoke myself, but look over the wedding photos from my friend ( she married the pompous guy who told me he could never view me as a friend! ) and the guy who messed me around at church was on them, and the woman he was also dating- looks like he is again )
I felt compelled to look somehow, though it was flooded with relief after in some ways- that these people are not very genuine or real, and I really do deserve to spend time with kinder people, but boy do I still feel angry at the pain they caused me when I was so sick.

Then I was worrying about a joke I made a few days ago, and a friend seems to have taken it to heart- even though I know it's not me and there have been loads of issues and I don't think he really wanted to hang around with us any more.

I was mulling all this over and logged on here and
Matthew chapter 24:
   10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

jumped out at me.

I have noticed a huge fragility with people's egos the past 3 years since I've been in TX.
You are rarely forgiven any misspoken word and people seem to enjoy taking offence because you don't think the same as them etc.

I have always had a personal policy of accepting people's apologies, and trying to keep friendships where possible ( though I do recognise this has also gotten me into trouble...and some people should be forgiven from a distance! )

Sometimes I wonder if I have just been really naive. But I know if I am more discerning, being loving and kind will attract good positive people alongside the users and actors.

I've been ever-so-slightly less inhibited.  Not foolish or anything.  But more ready to laugh at times.

no sleep triggers my bipolar mania. I become uninhibited and jolly and full of energy for a while....not to suggest you're bipolar, but maybe it's the same brain chemistry.
If I go without sleep entirely for several days as has happened with acute mania, I become psychotic.

I might have it in me to let go of my normal (unreasonable) defensiveness.  But I need a way to change my old habits and make the new ones more dominant on a day to day basis while still sleeping eight hours a day!

isn't this part of the process, recognising what you need and looking for ways to get there?

I want to let go some of my defensiveness in relationships too- but not entirely until I am certain I can trust me to take care of me in a relationship!

That 'blessed sleep' is wonderful. I haven't felt it for years, maybe I need to chop wood or dig the garden or have a baby or something....

 

Hope everyone is well, sending good vibes Boardward.

[Hopalong]

Hi PP,
I can think of a phrase to meditate on once you sleep normally again...as you go through your day:

I am friends with the world.

Sounds childlike but maybe that's...what it is.

Hi Hope,
I remember that exhausted bliss after my D was born. So weary but so fulfilled. Three times! Lucky you. I did get a puppy kiss today.

Hi Write,
(Love "Boardward."  )
I had the thought when reading yours that maybe some of the offense taking these days is because the whole world, particularly the Western world, now has PTSD.

((((everybody)))

Hops

[lightofheart]

Hi Pennyplant,
I think of what you describe as shedding a skin. Suddenly you didn't need that nervous defensiveness, or lacked the energy to produce any, so it fell away, and you felt better. And noticed and embraced feeling better. Hope and blessings, PP, that you keep feeling better, lighter, even with more sleep. 

Re. sleep deprivation, I'm a lifelong insomniac. Tried everything, many health consults. The most conclusive answer I got was from a renowned sleep-disorder specialist, who said I was 'wired wrong' and possibly had an adrenaline imbalance. I probably would have pursued futher answers, but then I got sick, really sick. It took me 2 hard and mostly sleepless years to get diagnosed (spent a full winter bedridden) with a chronic illness. Emotionally and physically, getting sick was my before and after.

I'm pretty careful about my health, and mostly well enough that no one who isn't medically attuned would guess what I'm living with. The bad news and good news are the same: the person I was before is gone. There are things I can't do, but a lot of my wasted energy traps fell away. Like shed skin. It didn't feel like a choice: more like what illness imposed. Maybe a case of physical reprioritization.

I'm much more aware now of the way I experience and hold stress physically. The negative consequences, in particular, of certain emotional loops and defenses. Which serves as a powerful motivator/teacher as to what's truly essential, and the emotional gift of being here now, living in the moment. Something I don't think I was capable of much in my 'before'. I grew up as the family's mood manager, throwing myself at everyone else's pain and stress, with no real idea of an emotional self at all.

Then God slowed me down. Showed me how it felt to accept, down to the core, that I was doing my best, with all the wonderful limitations 'best' can include. To finally learn how to say 'I can't' and 'I need'. That was my new, jaw-dropping, mental phrase for years, PP: Wow; this is Me, Doing my Best.

imho, with a lot of focus, support, and luck, everyone has the opportunity to shed many 'selves' in a lifetime, and learn from who's underneath. Like those Russian nesting dolls, matrioshkas, only in reverse: instead of getting smaller we feel bigger for all the emotional baggage we can learn to do without.

Amor Fati; love what is. Especially what's inside.

(((PP, Hops, Stormy, Hope, Write))) and everyone who wants one ((()))

luck and love to all,
LoH

[ANewSheriff]

PP:

I love not having that "nervous defensiveness" always coming to the surface!  It feels like I'm just being myself!  Laid-back, not worried about what others may or may not be thinking.  Just being cool   and confident.  I want to bottle it!

When you are not sleeping well your whole world looks different.  In your case you have hit on something very interesting, though.  This makes sense to me because in the end we are just dealing with energy.  How we channel that energy is what affects the quality of our daily lives. 

Since you are a little low on "stored energy" at the moment, on some level you must have made a decision that you cannot lend that energy to the negativity, but have to stay focused on your daily tasks.  Wow!  I am happy for you.  What a breakthrough!  Maybe once you get your hours straightened out you can take up strength training or cycling or waliking in order to continue to channel and direct and release this same energy.   

ANewSheriff       

[Hops]

Hi Sherrif,
This was a breakthrough phrase for me, thank you!

...[when you're] a little low on "stored energy"....on some level you must [make]....a decision that you cannot lend that energy to the negativity

I can relate so much to sleep struggles. I used to journal all my dreams. Kept a big black bound sketchbook...and from the front, used it as a diary, for conscious thoughts, etc. From the back forward, used it as a dream journal. I took advice I'd read to keep it right by my bed with a pen, and grab it the second I awoke, writing down anything, even three words that were in my mind on waking. Sure enough, within a few weeks I was writing 3-4 page elaborate "movies" of dreams. I never kept at it long enough for the two parts of the book to meet in the middle, but it was important work when I was doing it, and I may go back to it for insight for another round.

Other sleep drama in my life is that despite normal weight, I have apnea. Have had two sleep studies done (years apart), and at the second, the technician said, yup, you have apnea, but you don't cease breathing often enough for your insurance to cover any treatment. And by the way, you have a roaring case of Restless Legs Syndrome.

So that's why my bed looked like a rototiller had passed through during the night! I also remember literally kicking my 6' 4-inch exH out of bed, in my sleep. (Poor guy didn't deserve it, actually. He was quite bewildered when he hit the floor.) Sleep has been a state I crave and a place where I do battle, all at once. I'm now on a mild dosage of an anticonvulsant which does help, but 2 nights ago I discontinued it temporarily since I'm SO groggy during the day now that I'm on a new AD, plus Ambien. Oy.

Thanks for bringing up sleep, PennyP. Your schedule must be terribly hard on your body, and take rigorous care to keep it from exhausting you. Hope you're getting more rest.

Yawn,
Hops

[Hops]

I
do
not
know
why
I
can't
spell
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff

Hops

[moonlight52]

PennyP
Wow, I sure do hope yo can get some regular sleep soon.I would be going to my doctor because bipolar people are all messed up without sleep.

I think LoH really has something there .Your can get to the gentle space and still have sleep.

Your mind your soul does a lot of work at night that is important.So let us know how it is going.

Love,

Moon

[pennyplant]

Hi all,

It's so amazing to me how a single topic like sleep can be related to so many interesting ideas that have been shared here.  Sleep usually feels so good to me.  I look forward to my naps.  Sometimes that is my reward after I get home from work.  I daydream until I can fall asleep and sometimes that is the thing I look forward to the most.  The daydreaming.  Sometimes I get some good ideas when I'm waking up but not wanting to get out of bed to start the day.

One morning in late 2004, about a month after my father had died, I was laying in bed and thinking about strings for some reason.  Like puppet strings.  And I remembered my father coming over once and launching a rocket with us and we lost it in some woods behind our house.  So, I wrote this about it:

The Rocket

Remember when the boys were young,
and we launched rockets over the field behind the apple tree?
We tried different angles and lit the fuse.
Each time the rocket would shoot quickly above us,
the parachute would come out, and the rocket would slow right down,
and it would land in the grass where the boys could run after it
and bring it back to launch again.

The final time, we used a bigger engine
and the rocket took off like a bullet
and went straight up into the sky so fast and so far
we couldn't see it at first.
Then, finally, we could make out the rocket
floating on the waves of air under its parachute,
a small shiny star well above the trees of the woods beyond the field.

We imagined it resting forever in the sky,
traveling above the roads and train tracks and rivers,
never fighting the wind and rain.

We imagined it finally landing in a tree,
the parachute caught deep in its branches,
the rocket dangling by its threads,
swinging and turning,
fading over time,
becoming gray and cracked,
gathering dust from the weather
and debris from the animals.
We imagined it watching and listening,
cardboard and plastic,
metal and gun powder,
at peace.


Just a rough draft.  I will probably do something different with it eventually.  But I remember how it felt like something slipped into place once I got the idea out on paper.  An idea that occurred to me when I was just laying there and waking up.  Another reason why I really like sleep.

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Yes, it seems that offense is increasing. Jesus said it this way in Matthew chapter 24:
   10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

We often hear about earth shattering events that supposedly portend the end of the world, but rarely is this little passage mentioned in discussions of apocryphal events. Many shall be offended and betray one another, hating one another, and the love of many shall wax cold. Gives me chills.

Am I remembering right that the Screwtape Letters are from the forties?  And so was Orwell's 1984.  So often prophecies seem to me to be more like a commentary about the times they were written in.  It seems to me like the cycles occur over and over again and that somehow human society keeps re-building itself.  So, while I too feel chills when reading of times when the world seemed to be ending, and did, in fact, end for so many people during so many terrible, terrible times like WWII--somehow the survivors go on.  That is a tiny comfort sometimes.  But it's something I keep in mind for our times.  I do think Hops is right that we are all in for some rough times during the next few decades (another thread I guess, doesn't seem to be part of your comments on this one.)  I kind of count on the idea that our descendents will go on and remember something of us and carry that forward.

I don't know where that hope comes from.  I need it I guess.

PP

[pennyplant]

I have noticed a huge fragility with people's egos the past 3 years since I've been in TX.
You are rarely forgiven any misspoken word and people seem to enjoy taking offence because you don't think the same as them etc.

I have always had a personal policy of accepting people's apologies, and trying to keep friendships where possible ( though I do recognise this has also gotten me into trouble...and some people should be forgiven from a distance! )

Sometimes I wonder if I have just been really naive. But I know if I am more discerning, being loving and kind will attract good positive people alongside the users and actors.

WRITE, I know very few people who can take things in stride.  The ones who can be forgiving or who wouldn't even think something said in passing would need forgiving, are people I admire and try to emulate.  I've lived in different parts of the country and am now living in my home town.  It seems to be a place of thin skin and grudges.  People here seem very unhappy in general.  The calm ones seem the exception to me.  But we stay here anyway.  A somewhat related idea--the independent film, Buffalo 66, is a very good example of the mindset I find here in Western New York.  I was just stunned when I saw that movie.  It explained so much about my growing up years.  Just a really sad set of people.  So, perhaps that is why it can be naive to be accepting all the time without question.  The others bring to it their own set of notions.  Their own distrust.  It's a real balancing act to learn to be your kind and open self around people who are not like that.  But I think it's do-able.  It's a learning process.

About the sleeplessness affecting the manic side of bi-polar--it has occurred to me at times that I might have a bi-polar tendency.  Every so often, I'm quite animated and happy and unusually expressive when I ought to be cranky and non-functioning due to exhaustion.  In fact, one of my co-workers made a similar comment to me once when I came to work one day feeling quite happy and confident after a terrible reaming out the day before by another co-worker.  I told him, I didn't know about being bi-polar, but I was just going to go with it for now because I felt pretty damn good!

I'm not trying to make fun of bi-polar.  But when I had this conversation at work I remembered, and understood, an incident from the past.  My son once had a girlfriend who was bi-polar.  She could be over-whelming to him.  I asked him why she didn't take medication and he said, "She likes the way it (bi-polar) feels."  Now I understand why she didn't want to lose that feeling by taking the medication.  It can feel good.  But I can also see where one has to be very, very careful not to go too far.  That is why I will never experiment with purposeful sleeplessness.  In fact, I have made getting enough rest one of my priorities.  Most of the time I can work it out.  Balance is very, very important.  I would rather have balance and a good life, than the highs and lows even though that might be more "exciting".

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

I am friends with the world.

Sounds childlike but maybe that's...what it is.

.....................


I had the thought when reading yours that maybe some of the offense taking these days is because the whole world, particularly the Western world, now has PTSD.

Hopsy, I included your phrase in with my other phrases yesterday ("I am a good friend, etc.").  It fits in with the rest and it also helps me find my place in the universe.  I like it, thank you.

PTSD--oh, that makes so much sense.  I do think we are living in a time when a whole lot from the past has come home to roost.  I have always believed that one can go in one direction for only so long and then it's either just gotta stop or there's going to be a "correction" or a reaction.  We have decades and centuries of abuse, misconceptions about ourselves and others, wars, climate changes, overwork, etc.  We're living with the results of a lot of this right now.  And I imagine things will get even more interesting as time goes on.

Pennyplant