NOW I am really angry-

[Hopalong]

Hear, hear Jackie.
I am so impressed! GOOD FOR YOU YOU NOT-VOICELESS WOMAN!!!!!

2 more suggestions if you can stand it:

I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of hearing your voice. (Even just a brief hello gives him the opportunity to "sniff for emotion (supply)" in your tone of voice.) And in case he caught you in a down moment...he does not deserve the access to you. NOPE. You took control back.

So, if you agree....then you might want to consider:

--Block Sender on email (no announcement needed, you can just do it. It's about YOU and your serenity, not about him. Who cares what he thinks/does...not interesting any more. He's so booooorrrring, like most self-absorbed Nish people....it really IS borrrrrrrring....., and

--Caller ID (if you have it, use it, okay? He doesn't deserve a hello or even 2 words of explanation about anything, much less your feelings. Your inner peace and healing are PRIVATE and as we know, he's not into staying private...eh? He spreads himself (and likely other things) around.

The man is Locked Out and you are MOVING ON.

YAY for you, Jackie. You are so right about this:

I will be OK ..

And as to

Maybe he will try again -who knows?

When your mind runs back toward him again (it may, it will just need to be a conscious decision to swat that thought out of your head if it pops up)....the most important thing to say loudly to yourself, imho, is:

Maybe he will try again -who knows? CARES?????

Bravo again, Jackie. I really understand what a huge, large, life-affirming and meaningful decision this has been. I hope you respect yourself for it a great deal and hold on to the hope for your future that this choice represents.

GOOD FOR YOU!

Yay, Jackie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hops

[Jona22]

Good for you Jackie!!!!!!

He called to see if you were over your "mad".  He may try again after a while to see if are not mad anymore--to see if he can sweet talk you back.

Nope.  You are showing him that you have self respect.

I agree with Hops.  If you don't have caller ID, get it or use Call Block.

[mum]

Hi, Jackie. I can tell you from close personal experience....do not bother telling him off. It won't make you feel better....except for maybe one tiny instant. Then in the next minute, you will realize (hopefully) that you are participating in an IMPOSSIBLE situation. He doens't give a damn what you think, and by "telling him off", you will be "getting him off" and I'm sure you don't want that.
My ex LIVES for this kind of exchange, because it makes him feel powerful to watch his behavoirs having an emotional effect on me. He has figured out how to do this with our shared children. He uses them as tools to get me to react. It's not pretty and I walk a fine line between diligently protecting my children and detaching from HIM personally.
You do not have any thing or anyone to keep you connected to this man in any way shape or form....unless you GIVE him that connection.
DON'T DO IT.

All of the suggestions for what to do instead of react/respond to this parasite/vampire are right on. Try one. Try the very BEST way to "tell him off">>>NEVER saying another word to him. Nothing works better or will ever be more effective.

And, by the way, congratulations. You are doing awesome. Aint it fun to be the one in charge of you???

[Jackie45]

I do not know whether to laugh or cry-

He called me again yesterday afternoon saying that our last conversation kinda fizzled out.
 
HE said AGAIN that he regrets treating me bad, I asked him if he knew that he was acting badly when he dated the other woman and he just mumbled "I guess so."
He then said that he dated her because -

A. He did not get to finish his adolesence coz he had to take care of his MOM aand his drunk DAD,and had no social life back then.

B. That he was not sure that he wanted a committed and exclusive relationship with me.

C. That his six year marriage ended a year ago and then he made a deal with himself to date lots of women. When he got involved with me his plan was still incomplete.

Does any of this stuff make and moral ,ethical or emotional sense.
What's wrong with this picture?

I am still outta there !!

[lightofheart]

Hi Jackie

I do not know whether to laugh or cry-

[/color]

It sounds like it still hurts. I hope that lessens soon, with every healthy thing you do for you. I hope you won't give him the opportunity to act badly with you anymore. Because it sounds like you really want to move on and put him behind you.

HE said AGAIN that he regrets treating me bad, I asked him if he knew that he was acting badly when he dated the other woman and he just mumbled "I guess so."
He then said that he dated her because -

A. He did not get to finish his adolesence coz he had to take care of his MOM aand his drunk DAD,and had no social life back then.

B. That he was not sure that he wanted a committed and exclusive relationship with me.

C. That his six year marriage ended a year ago and then he made a deal with himself to date lots of women. When he got involved with me his plan was still incomplete.

Does any of this stuff make and moral ,ethical or emotional sense.
What's wrong with this picture?

[/color]
What's wrong with this picture, is that you were supposed to be having a conversation about how his bad behavior affected you, and instead he turned it into a pity party for himself. imho, if there is anything narcissists know how to do, the minute you try to call them on their behavior, is turn it all back to 'poor me' and twist even the worst stuff into a sympathetic self-portrait of their own suffering. This is a guy who just fed you 3 'poor me' reasons to date another woman! Because it really is all about him. Three good reasons, btw, he needs a therapist more than the 'lots of women' he's after.

I am still outta there !!

[/color]

If you really are outta there, Jackie, the single best thing you could do is stop taking his calls. Period. Because as long as you do, you're making yourself available to him, and he sees you as someone he might still suck back in. If I were you, I would take him at his word: he is a 40-year-old adolescent who can only mumble 'I guess so' about acting badly and hurting your feelings.

Meaning, there's no reason he wouldn't do it all again given another chance. I wouldn't wish that on you. In the words of my dear Mom, (who knows more about narcissism than she'd like): good luck to him, but this guy should go sh*& in his hat, Jackie.

I hope you keep listening to your own strong voice and building on every little step you take, every good inch of healing.

Take good care,
LoH

[Hopalong]

LoH is completely right, Jackie:

If you really are outta there, Jackie, the single best thing you could do is stop taking his calls. Period. Because as long as you do, you're making yourself available to him, and he sees you as someone he might still suck back in. If I were you, I would take him at his word: he is a 40-year-old adolescent who can only mumble 'I guess so' about acting badly and hurting your feelings.

Have to say my heart sank when I realized you'd hooked into having a conversation with him. You're not outta there if you're still talking or listening to him. The satisfaction of delivering a scolding and getting a babyish acknowledgment doesn't sound like the dialogue of two equal adults...it sounded more like mommy scolds Tommy.

It doesn't matter if he sheepishly acknowledged that he guessed his behavior wasn't ... whatever it was he half-assedly acknowledged. He just listed three reasons you can absolutely, foolproofly, count on him repeating that behavior if you continue to entangle yourself with him in any way, shape or form.

It's up to you...but I would be extremely careful about the perils of sexual loneliness or yearning right now. And if you're not serious about cutting off contact, then also be aware that you are making a deliberate choice to waste more of your precious time. And precious energy. And precious opportunity to create a happy life.

Did I mention I hope you will read the book Men Who Can't Love, by Steven Carter? It's available in paperback, used, for a pittance. 

he made a deal with himself to date lots of women. When he got involved with me his plan was still incomplete.

 

This would be ludicrous if it weren't so insulting: picture a large billboard that says, you're good enough to screw, but not good enough to alter my "plan". This man is not capable of loving you, is not into you except to use you for sex, is NOW trying to hook you back into wanting him (N-supply) and you're listening.

What's wrong with this picture is that you placed yourself in it again by taking his call and asking him that question, which gave him the opening to give you these insulting and lame-ass explanations, which left you essentially, more manipulated and rejected than before. You can stop the damage right now though, if you want to.

(I'm usually nicer than this -- please forgive my snappish tone...the reason behind that is that I relate so closely to your pattern with him and would practically remove a toe to prevent another woman, especially a perfectly terrific woman in her 40s, waste another minute of her precious life time in a N-dead end like that.)

best of luck,

Hopalong

[Brigid]

Jackie,

Does any of this stuff make and moral ,ethical or emotional sense.
What's wrong with this picture?

IF he had presented his situation to you from day one and was honest about wanting to date a number of people, needing to spread his wings a bit, etc., THEN I would say there was nothing wrong with the picture.  I understand that because I felt the same way after my divorce.  But the difference is, that I never presented myself as someone who was ready to have an exclusive relationship, nor did I engage in casual sex.  I dated to have fun, meet some new people, and learn what it was like to go out with men with whom I did not have a commited relationship.  He never gave you the opportunity to decide if you were OK with the arrangement, or that it wouldn't work for you and you would choose to not get involved with him or at least not be sexual.

For the first four months that I dated my now b/f, we were very casual, both knowingly dated other people and kept the relationship out of the bedroom.  It gave us the opportunity to get to know each other without all the angst of trying to make it a romance.  We became good friends and really liked one another before we became exclusive and then intimate.  We learned to love things about one another before we determined we were in love.  We did not admit our love to each other until we had been exclusive for 2 months--which was 6 months after the relationship had begun.

I had been severely damaged and hurt by my exnh.  I needed time to heal and regain the ability to trust another man.  I'm not suggesting that I have done it perfectly, but the way I entered my current relationship has turned out very well for me.  I know I can trust him and trust that he truly loves me because he has NEVER given me a reason not to in the 16 months we have been together. 

I caught my exh in lies while we were dating--some of them big--but I let it go and thought it was just that one (2, 3, 4) situation(s).  Well, 22 years later and 2 children and I found out he had been lying and hiding very significant things from me for virtually the whole marriage.  Liars are always liars.  They don't change.  As long as you keep forgiving them, they will promise to never do it again, but they do--over and over again, about bigger and bigger things.

I agree with Hops (she usually is really nice, but sometimes gets bossy when she knows she's right). Don't take any more calls, e-mails, or any other forms of communication.  He is an adolescent who just wants his own way.  Your best means of revenge is to move on and get healthy and happy.  Eventually he will be a blip on your radar screen--that hopefully presented you with a good learning experience.

Brigid

[mudpuppy]

Does any of this stuff make and moral ,ethical or emotional sense.

No. His excuses are immoral, unethical and emotionally juvenile.
Let him finish his adolescence on someone else; assuming he ever does finish it.
Usually there is a truckload of trash that isn't revealed when an operator starts confessing how wounded and confused he is in order to reel someone back in.
Hops and Brigid are correct; cut the cord completely.

mud

[Hops]

Jackie,
Just wanted to add that I'm sorry I sounded so scolding.
It's just frustration.

I know exactly (by heart, and by the book) what you're going through.

I hope you will find strength and personal determination sooner than I did.

It is hard to change this habit. But cold-turkey's the only, imo.

((((Jackie))))

Hops

[Jackie45]

His guy can operate!!
His text message from 8am-

"I feel you with me !
It is that unique feeling that is spellbinding :
It is the thoughts of loss of that experience which cause pain "


Not very elegant English expression for a 40' something teacher ?

I love hitting 'DELETE'.

Jackie.>

[Jona22]

Jackie

His text message is still only talking about himself isn't it. He isn't concerned about you at all.

Block him from sending more messages.  The others are right.  You may have a weak moment later on and he knows that.  Every time you communicate with him, you give him hope that he is winning the game of drawing you back in.