'blessed sleep' and dreams

[WRITE]

I did much more physically yesterday, whilst being conscious of it beign relaxing rather than stressful: walking the dog, mowing, cleaning.

Anyway, when I finally slept ( it is v. hard to fall asleep, my mind races, but I want to persevere without the meds this week, I felt like a zombie what with the heat last week )

My dream which woke me up was I was an artist and I made some stained glass, but it wasn't perfect, and someone in authority made a public humiliation of me and apologising made her angrier and I couldn't repay the huge money so I comitted suicide so they could have my insurance. I woke up crying at this point- more weeping soundless tears, not sobbing.

I don't know much about dreams, but this seems quite powerful, so I looked around a couple of websites and dreaming of suicide means something in life is or has been so unbearable you cannot live like that any more, also guilt, but the most positive explanation was: you are letting go of something which has been important and making necessary changes.

Dreaming that you commit suicide indicates that conditions in your life is so frustrating that you are no longer willing to cope with a situation or relationship in the same way as you did in the past. Alternatively, you may be unable to overcome feelings of guilt and thus turning the aggression on yourself. On a more positive note, it may suggest that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself or character that your have been carrying around.

I went to a Unitarian Church yesterday, one of my friends came with me, a lively Bhuddist, to protect me against any polyamorists  It wasn't an inspiring place, the sermon and music were boring, but the minister was very pleasant and the people, and it was a kind of healing experience.

I am recomitting to the healthy lifestyle I need to manage my life and illness, it takes a force of will not to slip into old habits of behaviour and thinking though.

And I have told my ex we will be getting divorced at some point we all feel comfortable with that; we have both been ambivalent about that final letting go for many reasons.

Does anyone else have dreams which seem important? ( I have tons which just seem random sequences too and I don't give them another thought )

[miss piggy]

Hello Write,

I am a returning visitor here.  I haven't posted for a while, but had a little "setback" and am checking in with friendly folks. 

I am a big fan of recording dreams and esp. ones that feel important, like what you describe.  If this were my dream, I would pay attention to the following:

I was an artist

this is very positive and means you are tapping into creativity (whatever form that takes in your life, not neccessarily limited to art itself).  Perhaps you are becoming more spiritually "creative"?

and I made some stained glass, but it wasn't perfect,

this could mean several things.  A cool thing about dreams are the multiple layers of meaning. 
Stained glass, something spiritual, something transparent, allowing light, adding color,
stained could be another allusion to imperfection?

and someone in authority made a public humiliation of me

possibly your inner critic.  Inner critics can be very angry when the artist emerges and threatens their power.

and apologising made her angrier

wow, very unforgiving...
I sometimes get all tweaked about strong authority figures in my dreams.  Sometimes they are simply telling me to get off my rear and get going on doing what I say I want to do.  Perhaps you are feeling exposed and apologize for taking a risk and angry person is angry that you are apologizing instead of getting on with it.  It can be like a scary monster chasing you and you have to turn and say "hey, what do you want?" and it tells you.  Maybe angry person doesn't want you to apologize for what you are doing at all!  But are you used to doing that?

and I couldn't repay the huge money so I comitted suicide so they could have my insurance.

Perhaps you are willing to do anything to balance the books with inner critic and get it off your back.
Perhaps you are willing to "give up your insurance" means you are more willing to take risks, less willing to play it safe.  You are handing it in to your authority figure.
Perhaps the "suicide" reference is a strong desire for a new life or least to give up the old one for sure, figuratively speaking of course.

I woke up crying at this point- more weeping soundless tears, not sobbing.

It is interesting that you have this reaction and yet title your dream "blessed sleep"...maybe this dream is bringing you real lifechanging information.  I cry all the time when confronted with real significant life changes, even the positive ones.   

Hope you don't mind my getting my feet wet again with a dream interpretation from out of the blue.  Just offering possibilities and hoping it's helpful.  I also read your post about HSP people which I found really helpful, esp. in light of recent events (a vague feeling of rejection and/or disapproval from an Nish friend that I might be over interpreting). 

Take care, Miss Piggy

[Hopalong]

Hi MP!
You were one of the first voices I admired so much when I came here last November, so very glad you're still checking in.

What delight to hear from you and Plucky both today!

(I like your dream interpretation a lot. Particularly the stain/stained part...I really do believe our subconscious often works that way. Gives us symbols to translate into words, more often than the other way around.)

I hope you are well and stay well and are back a while.

Hos

[miss piggy]

Hi ya Hops!

It's so nice to hang around with such nice friendly voices.  I had forgotten how helpful and supportive it is.  Glad to know some familiar "faces" are still here.   

Will post more soon.  hugs, MP

[WRITE]

wow thanks, it seems like some dreams are really important to me, they wake me up! literally.

Your interpretation is really useful and touches me on several levels, especially the risks and creativity, because finally I earn my living as a writer and musician and I've found several creative outlets and now need to expand them into a more business-like framework.

The money I think may be something to do with this- I am very bad at charging and only insisted I was paid for alzheimers groups because one manager exploited me and she annoyed me so much I insisted I was paid from then on!

Some people seem to be able to earn money really easily, but I have always worried that it will taint me in some way- maybe it was my family, the more I saw them get the more they fought. I haven't really seen any people made happy with the monetary fruits of their labours.

Actually- most arty people I have known who were happy have simply adjusted to being poor.

The stained glass- I have been thinking a lot about cathedrals and monasteries, and representations of spirituality.

That's it, I think,

I don't think my spirituality/ spiritual self is good enough in some way?

When I was hurt at my last church I tried to make things right, but I couldn't and I just slipped away quietly in the end, but was so incomplete for so long, unwilling to let myself be spiritual and expose that weak part of me. I had a severe manic episode not long after that.

I also left the church because I felt my questions and dissatisfaction were upsetting other people's perfect world. That's something else that troubles me a lot, that I am not one to shut up and fit in, and I often end up being a catalyst and it makes some people cross.

I cannot bear people's anger can I?! It's rejection again...and wondering if I am wrong/ what is wrong with me.

That's been my response to everything, what is wrong with me.
Why do I make people act like this?

And that has been very deeply subconscious, I shied away from it a lot in therapy.

*

Thank you so much Miss P, that was so helpful~ and a hearty welcome back!

[moonlight52]

Write ,

I was thinking maybe all that was "wrong" with you is you think something is wrong.

I can see the good things.I remember how you supported me when I was all afraid about that website SAM valkin (so silly).

And you supported me when I told the board about being Bipolar too.I see you and your son and think of all your goodness .
Right here we help each other see that goodness in one another.You have done that for me and I thank you so very much.

Blessed Dreams Write,

MoonLight

[ANewSheriff]

Write,

I felt so sad reading dream.  What a horrible way to wake to a new day.  I am so sorry, Write.  That would be so terribly disturbing to me, as well.  I am glad you shared it, though.  Kind of takes some of the power away from it.

As I thought about this dream I wondered about its causes and messages.  Since you mentioned that you were not taking your meds, could be some kind of weaning effect of the medication? 

On a lighter not, could this represent the "killing off" of your old self?   

I am recomitting to the healthy lifestyle I need to manage my life and illness, it takes a force of will not to slip into old habits of behaviour and thinking though.

A send you a big hug.  I am rooting for you!!!

ANewSheriff

[Hops]

Ditto everything Moon and MS said, Write...

I am sorry for the painful dream, and what brave grace you show in looking closely at it.
I wondered if it might also be about setting your intention for divorce. That's a death too, and it dies hard.

It sounds as though you're in that delicate space between the old and new. A space where one can feel very vulerable, but it sounds to me as though you're treading forward with real care and consciousness. Don't doubt your good self, on any level. You're a fine soul and good human being.

I believe the surface may feel slick in spots, but it is solid, reliable, free of faults all the way down to its core. You are safe...not only cosmically, but because you're making wise choices.

Thanks for the inspiration.
Hops

[WRITE]

Thank you all.

It is slightly painful, and I am crying some but EVERY negative behaviour seems to have melted out of my life- no catastrophising or railing, no drinking, no meds/ doctor which seem to make things worse, no racing into relationships to hide ( including the Battledome with my ex!  ) It's just me, and I am here with me and my feelings and- that definitely is a first! I am eating healthily, exercising each day, talking to my son a lot, reading a lot, walking the dog, working. I got my hair done, my nails, the house is getting cleaned up of all the clutter.

Don't worry about my meds btw.
I know it's something bipolars do, but I have them here.
I have lived with mood swings for a long time, and I will still medicate mania or sleeplessness. I can't really medicate depression, but I am having very little of that the last year or two.

I had a dream about 3 years ago, I saw a beautiful, healthy happy me busy in a crowd of people. I woke up crying then, and thought 'that's the me I should have been...'

And I am starting to look like that, I look taller somehow!

I believe the surface may feel slick in spots, but it is solid, reliable, free of faults all the way down to its core. You are safe...not only cosmically, but because you're making wise choices.

I feel totally with G_d.

It's interesting, my ex has picked up on this and now launches an anti-religious diatribe at every opportunity.

Hope everyone is ok, it's a beautiful day here.

[miss piggy]

Hello Write,

Well, for crying out loud, you have made some major mega-changes and are doing quite well, I would say!     

I sit at my computer in complete amazement and admiration of your progress!

You know, it's interesting about the whole imperfection thing.  Some people see flaws and other people see character and uniqueness.

What I really wanted to check back in with was when you wrote:

I also left the church because I felt my questions and dissatisfaction were upsetting other people's perfect world.

Boy, some people really insist on doing the religion thing "right".  This is so misguided, in my humble opinion.  I could write a whole essay about how off target it is to think there is a "correct" way to worship or seek or get in tune with a higher power in the universe.  A church can be a helpful community, but so many times people want to hang on to ritual for its own sake for security.  Oh yeah, as for Mr. Ex, one rabbi had a great retort to these kinds of rantings: "OK!  Don't believe in God!  Fine."  Stopped the other person in their tracks.

Next topic, making money as an artist.  Nothing wrong with that.  I think the reasons artists have agents or gallery managers is because their art is so much a part of them.  It's like being emotionally attached to your house and trying to sell it yourself.  One just cannot be objective ( I know people do it, but i couldn't).  Some artists have divided their work into categories the stuff they make to make the money (bread and butter, crank it out stuff), and then spend more time and charge more for the stuff they pour their heart into...I think there are a couple of good websites for artists on this topic that could be helpful. 

Anyway, back to the here and now.  It's sounds like you are doing so great and are conquering/managing some pretty big challenges.  You go, girl! 
Cheers, MP

[moonlight52]

Hey MP and Write,

Very very important "Some people see flaws and other people see character and uniqueness ."

Oh MP, how wise of you to see this in Write.I feel the same way Write.

I want to hang around people that see the goodness in each one of us.

Also we all know we struggle with our shadow self .We need to embrace all of self to be whole.

MoonLight


"the light from heaven is about to break upon us...... to give light to those who sit in darkness ,and to guide us to the path of peace" Luke 1:78

[pennyplant]

Hi WRITE,

Thank you for sharing your recent dream and what you have been learning and doing.  I don't have anything new to add other than I see such growth going on with you.  It seems like you have found the right direction.  It just feels good to read about this happening in someone's life and how you're thinking is changing for the better.  It seems like happiness is happening!  Maybe not every minute.  But the big picture looks really good.

Love, Pennyplant

[WRITE]

I could write a whole essay about how off target it is to think there is a "correct" way to worship or seek or get in tune with a higher power in the universe

I'd love to read it!

Some artists have divided their work into categories the stuff they make to make the money (bread and butter, crank it out stuff), and then spend more time and charge more for the stuff they pour their heart into...I think there are a couple of good websites for artists on this topic that could be helpful. 

ok, that's what I'll look at.

I think the alzheimers and senior music groups are goign to be the bulk of my earning, but because I haev done this kind of stuff so often for nothing there's a part of me feels strange I guess; I will need to adjust to it though.

I'll look for the websites.

The 'what is wrong with me?' isn't just a negative thing I am finding, though it may be a negative way of putting it! I do want to change some of my thinking and behaviours, and I especially want to live positively, which means if I am making a situation in life, or making it worse I want to see it and work on it.

I've spent some lovely quality time with my son, he has picked up on all this positivity.

He saddens me when he quotes negative stuff from his dad, but I guess he'll grow out of that.

the big picture looks really good.

I don't know if any of you remember Frank Spencer, and his mantra after therapy: every day in every way I'm getting better and better, Betty