Dreams again

[WRITE]

my dream last night was very vivid: I had a big house where all the children I had ever known lived in the same street, the good children in my house, the troubled children over the road where I could see them but not do anything to help.
Over time my childrens' rooms became infested with snakes, from a large green fast-moving snake which wasn't poisonous but had sharp teeth and was always threatening to bite, and white kittens.
Eventually I called an exterminator who helped get rid of them all, but after much procrastination so I was worried the kittens would have more kittens and the children ( who seemed oblivious ) might get bitten by the snakes.

James Hollis said yesterday all our dreams have meaning, the sub-conscious does not waste energy.

I looked up white kittens: they are meant to signify deceit and trouble.
Snakes are apparently more complex, both positive and negative symbols of change:

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you.  Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes. 

I have seen a lot of snakes in real life since I came to the US, I have always found them fascinating and never felt afraid except once when I killed one because it was living in the house; I knew it was wrong to kill it, it was probably harmless,  but it was quite big and had teeth and I didn't want anyone to be bitten.

One night not long after my ex left a small rough earth snake was in my house, I picked it up and it wrapped around and around my arm, I guess it liked the warmth.

I guess I'll have to read more Jung, I am not quite sure how to interpret this dream, I am less troubled than I've been for a long time.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Write,

When I read this, I see the "moral of the story" as: We can only clean up the vermin residing within our own homes.
Also, even a non-venomous snake can be quite menacing and apply enough of a stranglehold to nearly choke the life out of ya. Sometimes the biggest threat to our peace and wellbeing is the one we think that we can manage because it's not really that dangerous. Very glad to hear that you're feeling less troubled    Hope you have a wonderful day!
Hope

[WRITE]

Thanks Certain Hope. Hmm, clean up the vermin residing here...I wonder if my ex is the green snake? He is both benign and a source of endless troubles...and someone I have had strong mixed feelings about for a long time.

And I am procrastinating the hell out of what move to make next- if I go for divorce can I afford the expense/ support myself/ what will I do for insurance...also the expense emotionally & practically of supporting everyone ( myself included) through another trauma.

But can I really move on by staying married and separated? Is my ex really accepting things as I see them or will there be subtle ( or not so subtle ) undermining and sabotage....already as I come back to equilibrium with G_d and spirituality he has taken to making blunt negative comments all the time: there is no G_d; it's all delusional etc. This is how he is, it's like he's jealous & resentful of anything outside himself. If he weren't my ex and son's dad I wouldn't hang around with someone who is so negative and dismissive of me.

Maybe that's why it's coming out in dreams, because I have refused to think about it too much in daily life, for ages all i was concentrating on was making things work out now.

I don't think my new friend is going to be impressed with the idea of a relationship with my ex hovering around: he's a really straightforward guy and anyway experience has shown people just don't 'get' NPD unless it's actually happened to them.

My ex did say to me a few days ago 'how can you have another relationship when you'd rather be with me'. I thought he was just being arrogant, not uncommon, but I suppose he could be filtering out everything I say or putting another personal spin on it. He is impossible to communicate with when he can't see my point of vew, maybe we've reached the limit of his newfound empathy ( that didn't take long- smile )

If we stay this way he gets the benefits of being married to me that he needs, without having to change any more or endure the closeness or demands which he can't stand.

Sometimes the biggest threat to our peace and wellbeing is the one we think that we can manage because it's not really that dangerous.

indeed.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

    I remember how it felt to be in full "survival mode" ... as you expressed: "for ages all i was concentrating on was making things work out now."   After that came a sort of intermediary phase, where at last I could see a variety of options available, but they all seemed to involve a great deal of risk and a level of effort that I didn't think I could manage in my exhausted condition. For some time, it was as though I was on autopilot. The immediate threat was gone, but my mind couldn't seem to shift gears to match the circumstances... kinda like going down a steep incline in 1st gear?

   Just be cautious, Write....  I know for myself, I was so ready to make some positive changes in my life that impulsivity took over for awhile. When it's time to take the next step, I think you'll take it because it will be the right move for you, not based on what any new (or old) friend might consider appropriiate. When grace is sufficient, you will choose wisely. For you.

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Write,
I love hearing hopefulness in your tone, and I love hearing you wake up about the anvil you've been dragging along (ex...). I have never read you see him so clearly.

Doesn't make him a monster and you may always feel some fondness (plus your gratitude for your child). But I do like hearing you dream of more life and change.

Same time....I couldln't more profoundly agree with Hope about not letting this all be about your new friend. I think your new friend sounds great, and if he's a catlyst for your OWN decisions for life and freedom, bless his heart. Glad he's around.

But please...work really really hard on maintaining the thought that YOU deserve a better life. Not just the you that's half of a pair.

Hops

[WRITE]

I love hearing hopefulness in your tone, and I love hearing you wake up about the anvil you've been dragging along (ex...). I have never read you see him so clearly.

I know, I know.

But that's the thing with dealing with Nism.
It becomes so ugly as you attempt to disconnect and they dig in harder. The panic and desperation can be overwhelming.

I understand why stuff becomes ugly and confrontational, them and us, but I also feel expert enough on Nism by now to know- this won't work with him. Not setting boundaries, not assertiveness, not confrontation. He is reactive to everything which isn't directly about him.
Somehow I have always known- let it be about him and he'll be ok with it, or at least more ok.

He understands- 'this makes us unhappy' or 'we can't operate this way'.

He does not understand- 'I love you and want you in my life but in the way which evolves from who we two people are....'

What to most people would be a brief trauma, then  magical acceptance and transformation to a new relationship is going to be experienced as relived abandonment and infantile rage to an NPD.

When it's time to take the next step, I think you'll take it because it will be the right move for you, not based on what any new (or old) friend might consider appropriiate. When grace is sufficient, you will choose wisely. For you.

what my new friend is offering ( unwittingly- he has backed off so graciously I wonder some days if he really is interested in me- until the next time we meet and the atoms around us seem to resonate sympatico...
Last time we hugged time stood still, we were both dazed!

Which doesn't necessarily mean love & romance either- the most wonderful good feelings in my life are from friendships, often unlikely friendships, but what he offers for me right now is a litmus test for reality: I am so desensitized to my ex I expect his behaviours and often don't react as i should for self-protection.

kinda like going down a steep incline in 1st gear?

when you're bipolar your whole life is like this- though it feels more at first like springing out- no fear or holding back.
Or restraint or recovery...just never stable, always running away with you.

I think your new friend sounds great, and if he's a catlyst for your OWN decisions for life and freedom, bless his heart. Glad he's around.

so often I have been the catalyst, what happens next being an unexplored ( unexploded?  ) mystery is difficult for me.

When we discussed rejection here a few days ago it became clear: lack of resolution is more than painful for me, it sets up a massive resonance. Part of my illness.

Which maybe explains some of the crazier things I have done over the years...

YOU deserve a better life. Not just the you that's half of a pair.

sadly I came from a culture where marriage was meant for life.
It's not in me to move forward when my 'other half' is stuck.
But it's not me either to renounce myself.

I guess it's a process of letting go ( for us both )

[Hopalong]

Huh. We got a wire crossed. I was actually referring to your new friend when I wrote:

YOU deserve a better life. Not just the you that's half of a pair.

And re-reading you just now I realize you're referring to your ex:

It's not in me to move forward when my 'other half' is stuck....
I guess it's a process of letting go ( for us both )

   

What I was getting at is that I hope you see that if pulling away from enmeshment with your Ex, and thinking forward to making the split official is because YOU deserve a good life REGARDLESS, and not just because your new friend is there. (Though it's neat that he is.)

I do think your Ex's stuckness may be enabled by your continued involvement...but as an N, stuckness is tolerable, as they don't agonize over it as much as people with more functional consciences do.

Hope all that jumble made sense. Tired brain.

Hops

[WRITE]

I do think your Ex's stuckness may be enabled by your continued involvement...

who knows? And in some ways I am stuck there myself, as I cannot abandon my son to what could develop into a full N-battle.

I am inching away slowly, that will have to do for now.

[Hopalong]

I understand, Write. Completely.

It's not as easy as "getting it", is it. If only.

I think your inches at a time represent leagues of growth.

Hops