stbx not letting me have visitation w/ d

[movinon]

Hi all,

I haven't posted for a while, but I am feeling really angry today.  My stbx has my d for the month and says I haven't given him enough notice so I can not have my d for the weekend.  The truth is, I sent an e-mail putting up VERY strong boundaries about his behavior around paying medical bills.  He's having them all sent to me and I don't want to have to pay them and then wait for him to pay me his 50% when he's good and ready.

I've already done testing with the eval and had one short interview with her and I have an appt. with my d. for the 25th (which I told him about last month).  He never mentioned he was going on "vacation" then, but now says they are going out of town.  I gave him a weekend during my month plus gave him extra time b/c it was his b-day.  He said he would work with me for my b-day this month - but of course now there are CONDITIONS. 

What an a-hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I visited with my d at daycare today and all she can say is how much she hates the g/f and that she's there all the time.  She was asking how much longer she has to stay with her dad and I told her we were working on it.  She kept asking if he was not going to let her come to my house (she's 7).  I SOOOO badly wanted to tell her the truth, but instead kept saying that we were working on it.  She cried and clung to me when I left saying she wanted to come home with me and didn't want to go to her dad's anymore.

If I have to reschedule this appt., I'll have to pull her out of school and miss work (for which I get docked) and it will likely be in a month or 2.

He's already violated the temp. orders that are in place, refused to pay $900 the court has ordered him to, has the g/f spending the night, and is lying about financial documents and hiding $ overseas (yes I've hired an overseas detective).

I'm really sick of his sh#t.  It's soooo hard to take th high road here.  Sometimes I want to get in the sewer with him and just beat the snot out of him.

Movinon

[WRITE]

oh dear, what a horrible situation for you, that must be so frustrating.

My friend's husband ( who is N ) did all this with his daughter, and now she's age 18 laments that the beautiful young woman won't give him the time of day.
Her mother put her in therapy when she got a bit older to work through all the emotional damage, but it wasn't all that bad- because she was close to her mother, and her father and his family behaved so chidlishly down the years she learned to see them for who they are.
When she reached 17 Daddy tried to win her over with a car, her first teenage car. Knowing it would come with 'conditions' she politely declined! He was furious and heartbroken of course but whilst I listened to him I did feel- you reap what you sowed, you fool...and I was full of admiration for the girl's emotional intelligence!

I guess I am rambling, but I just wanted to say- you won't always have to deal with him, and your daughter will grow up ok with your love.

I know I sometimes think ( and my ex isn't nearly as difficult as yours ) will we ever draw a line under all this...but each year gets easier. I talk to my son very openly, age appropriately, and each year he is more able to cope with his father's issues, in fact he's getting pretty assertive.

You're doing your best to manage a bad situation. We can't make life perfect for our kids, just do our best.

Keep clear factual ( unemotional ) documentation for court.

Take care.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Movin,

I am so sorry that you must endure this. He would like nothing better than to exasperate you to the point where you'd engage in his slimeball tactics/retaliation, so then he could say, "see... she's the real problem here". But Movin, you are NOT N, and mud-wallowing  is simply not an option.

From my experience, it's always a mistake to try to be fair, thoughtful, reasonable in dealing with N, as though you were dealing with a person of integrity. That approach only works with folks who have some appreciation for the give and take necessary to relate well with others. You gave him unscheduled time with your daughter, thinking that he'd reciprocate; but the word reciprocal is not in his vocabulary.  In your eyes, that was a gift; but in his view, it was owed him. He said he'd work with you for your bday and you're surprised now that there are conditions? Since when does N ever follow through on agreements and honor his word?

Movin, I know that you know all this. Just reminding you so that you can cool off, dig your heels in, and sit this thing out while gathering all of that court documentation Write mentioned. It is simply a given that N will not behave like a responsible, mature adult. But you will. Everyone involved will see that, including your daughter. I do believe that he will tire of having to deal with her needs, too, as soon as she begins to cramp his style. This is just his last hurrah, and I pray it's short-lived. It'll all come out in the wash, Movin    Hang in there.

With love,
Hope

[Brigid]

Movinon,
I can only imagine how frustrated and angry you must be with your stbx.  But Hope is right when she says that they don't play fair and will not give the same considerations that a normal functioning human being would.  They do know, however, that the children are their best tool for manipulation.  They know we will crawl to the ends of the earth to protect our babies and keep them out of the slug fest as best as possible, so they push that button as much as they can.  Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that it is working to his benefit.  Keep reassuring your D that you are there for her and you are working to get her back home.

Is the appt you have for your D with a therapist?  Have you considered a guardian ad lidem to help with the court process?  Have you talked with your attorney about his behavior and the medical bills?  It might be to your advantage to only work through your attorney where these kinds of problems are concerned so he is not able to rile you (as I am sure this gives him great pleasure).

Hang in there as your D needs for you to be the stable one who she can count on.

Brigid

[movinon]

Write -
I know you are correct about my d eventaully SEEING.  HEll, I think she sees NOW.  SHe says she hates her dad, he's stupid. She hates his g/f, she wants to be with me etc.  He refuses to see that.  It's been mentioned here before, but she's PROPERTY to him.  I am trying to stop her from having to go through that pain.  I know as parents we can't always prevent that, but this seems so unneccessary and unfair for her.  He doesn't even CARE what she wants.  Man, I hope she's told the psych evaluator all this stuff.
BTW, my 18 yo d HATES this guy now that she's free to express that.

Hope -
Thanks for your words.  I need the reminder. You're right.  I keep expecting to deal with a sane, rational, and reasonable person.   Some days I just can't wrap my brain around how horrible he is to the core.

Brigid -
Yes, I WOULD crawl to the ends of the earth to protect her.  The good news is I think she knows that too.  The appt is with a psychological evaluator.  She is not allowed to see anyone but her for now.  The court would not appoint an ad-litem.  They figured we were "reasonable enough" and that our lawyers could "control" us  - HA!  I have talked to my atty's office and will be talking to her directly today.  That is exactly what I need to do - go through my lawyer only.  The only problem is that he doesn't even respond to HIS atty.

Thanks for all of your words!
Movinon

[mudpuppy]

Hi movinon,

I hope you're still documenting everything and keeping contemporaneous notes.
There may come a time when the only thing that controls his behavior is the threat of losing his possesions.
There are legal remedies for really egregious behavior like this, but they should only be used as a last resort.
But sometimes all we're left with is a last resort.
Maybe because I'm stubborn or because I'm a man or maybe just because I'm not too bright I seem to be in the minority here that these creeps need to be held legally accountable far more than they are. But I still believe it.

mud

[Certain Hope]

Hi Mudpup,

I don't think that your attitude necessarily reflects your gender and certainly not your level of intelligence    (No comment re: the stubbornness factor )
 In fact, I absolutely agree that these characters need to be held legally accountable. The trouble with that (from my experience) is that anytime you have a legitimate grievance against N, he picks it up, twists it around, and launches it back at you X 50.  When this maNuevering includes bogus charges of contempt of court, the fallout can be pretty severe. The court doesn't see the falseness of N's claims until you've had umpteen hearing dates and hours of legal fees. That's what happened to me. Of course I was found not guilty and he was directed to pay all of my legal fees, at which time he promptly declared bankruptcy and initiated complaints against everyone involved in the case. Maybe that's a good idea in every case like that... go after the N for legal fees. Not that you'll ever collect them, but at least he's put on the defensive for a change. In my case, he didn't listen to his own attorney either, so it was left to the judge to ultimately slap him.

Oh, Movin, one thing I forgot to mention before....  if N is just allowed to talk freely at will, he will always, always reveal the lies beneath the mask and fall into the pit he dug for you. N may be loving all of the attention this case is bringing him, so anything your attorney can say/do to let him know that this case is nothing out of the ordinary, that he is neither special nor unique, should get him riled up enough to make a complete idiot of himself. (Not that he requires any assistance there).

Hope
P.S.  Mud, I pray that all is well...

[mudpuppy]

CH,

but at least he's put on the defensive for a change

And that is the key to the whole thing.
They thrive on offense and provocation and innuendo.
They shrivel up on defense and in the face of documentary evidence.

Those of course are general statements and not indicative of every possible outcome every time.

mud

[Certain Hope]

Understood, Mr. Pup   

Hope

[mum]

Movinon. I am busy moving, but just checked in. I am concerned for you and your daughter. What is the legal agreement regarding your visitation during his summer vacation time with your d? Is he violating it? If the "enough notification time" bit is open to interpretation...you may have to have it spelled out more concretely. My ex will always take anything that is remotely flexible and turn it on me in a second, and yet accuse me of inflexibility and parental alienation if I ask him to be more concrete about times, etc.
Talk to your lawyer about all this. Your daughter should not be denied access to either parent during the times spent with the other. I had that written in last year and it has paid off. If nothing more than to have a distinct trail of his refusing reasonable requests by his daughter to see her mother during his time.....
Really....talk to your lawyer. His lack of notice about his vacation (conveniently timed when she has an appointment....yeah, right)
is a red flag that evaluators look at.
Document everything...call your lawyer. Sending you lots of love and power. Don't stoop, you don't need to. Do what is right legally and for your daughter. She should get a chance to say how she feels and soon to an evaluator. His delaying that does not bode well for him at all.
Press on, kiddo. Your daughter will be fine because she has you. My d spent a week alone with the exN and was not too happy about it. It only solidified her distain for her stepmom and her opinion that her father is ok, but not who she wants to spend extended time with.
Mum

[WRITE]

Hi Movinon, was just thinking about you, how's it going?