Hi CDB,
I couldn't add a useful word to the superb advice you've gotten here already.
Just wanted to say hello.
I have a lot of compassion for how you feel. It must be lonely.
I think you may need more than a weekly therapy session.
When things get that critical, sometimes you need to go on a serious campaign
to absolutely STUFF your life with as much positive energy and support as you
can surround yourself with...and KEEP ON DOING IT. I promise, it really does
have a life-changing effect over time.
The thing is, do it when you feel miserable, inept, ugly, stupid, geeky, and lonely.
Just
make your body go through the motions and be there, at things like this (these
are just examples, and I'm sure they won't all fit...but try those that do, okay? As
many as you can...). Eventually, your emotions will catch up with the lifegiving things your body is doing:
--church or meditation group every week
--Overeaters Anonymous once or twice a week
--individual therapy once a week
--group therapy or similar support group once a week
--exercise once a day, with a partner or bird group or anything...just to be with people and move
--reading a spiritually positive book every morning when you first wake up
--same at night (don't feel like it? just make your eyeballs read it!

)
--deliberately de-clutter your living space, get rid of ALL junk
--clean it, bring in a new plant
--take a free art class and sketch or paint a little every day
--play beautiful music on the radio every time you're alone, not disturbing stuff
--do something very consciously and kindly for yourself with cleansing every day, make your bath a caring personal ritual, NOT self-loathing
--keep your hygeine immaculate and get new clothes (as I'm broke, I get mine at the Goodwill)
I believe these things will give you hope.
And keep posting!
Hopalong