39 and never had a girlfriend.

[CDB88]

I was inspired to write this after reading about another person who’s 39 and never had a girlfriend. So here’s my situation; I’m a white male on the verge of my 39th birthday, and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I can assume that the problem is with me, there are several factors that may account for this dilemma:

1. I grew up with a physically abusive father and a some what less physically abusive, but also psychologically and verbally abusive mother.

2.I had two older brothers, both of whom never wanted to spend any time with me, and three older sisters. My oldest sister had a nasty bitter divorce and stayed with my parents along with me and my 3rd oldest sister, my oldest was very angry and verbally abusive toward me. My second oldest sister  was much like my two older brothers, not wishing to spend any time with me. My third oldest sister was much like myself, shy, introverted.

3.Growing up wasn’t easy. I grew up overweight (still am to this day), shy, nervous. I had worked for my parents from the time I was 11 and was not permitted to do much else beyond that and school; thing like camping or vacations and family outings were alien concepts to me . My  oldest sister kept moving in and out of the house well into my twenties, developing drug problems along the way, and having several unpleasant episodes in my family‘s house that way. My 3rd oldest sister never bloomed, became grossly overweight and developed several illnesses including paranoid schizophrenia ; she eventually died from a rare circulatory illness at the age of 33.

4. I managed to start making friends after high school, even managed to find creative pursuits, but being  so inexperienced in dealing with people I found myself bungling friendships with people, expecting to much from them or behaving inappropriately. In my immediate circle, I found my self to be the runt of the pack.

5. I was able to get myself to go to college, but I always felt like I was beyond my station or social class to do so. I currently have two low paying jobs that barely pay my bills while I pursue a modestly, quasi passable career in the arts. I’ve been in and out of therapy, had several nervous breakdowns, and have been on anti depressants.

I wonder how these thing factor into why I have never had a girlfriend. I’m pretty sure I’m not gay. I have had sex (rarely, and mostly paid for. I’ve asked women out (though rarely), and I’ve also been careful not to go into the maudlin details of my home life growing up. I fear it will never happen for me, that somehow, I’m too damaged to ever be able to have a relationship with a woman. Where should I start in going about fixing myself? This problem with women has become monumental for me. I fear I’m on the verge of another breakdown, and would like to know if there is a way to get myself straightened out.

[WRITE]

dear CDB88~

welcome!

Re the girlfriend thing, you are making a big assumption that it's 'normal' and a good thing to have a relationship before you're ready.

That's why so many of us are divorced or had such terrible relationships so far ( smile )

You've been through much trauma. And survived.

Where should I start in going about fixing myself? This problem with women has become monumental for me. I fear I’m on the verge of another breakdown, and would like to know if there is a way to get myself straightened out.

well, there are many many resources here on Voicelessness, you could find a good therapist, read everything you can on relationships and psychology and self-development...

Two books I have been working through this month are Elaine Aron's Highly Sensitive Person ( here's the website http://www.hsperson.com/ ) and the Judith Sils book 'A Fine Romance'.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi there, and welcome to the board….

I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t have the childhood you deserve, and I cannot imagine how you must have felt, or still feel about losing your sister when she was just 33.

With relationships, I’m a believer in love yourself before anyone else can love you.  I feel that if you concentrate that you’ve not had a girlfriend, or concentrate on getting a girlfriend, each knock back will feel like further failure.  Does this make sense?

Instead, I would suggest concentrating on yourself… What are your good qualities?  Then progress on these good qualities, how can you develop them etc?

I do get the impression from your post that you would like to change, and I’m also a believer in we can control our destiny to a certain extent.  To find happiness we have to search for it, not necessarily think it will come to us.

Take care and keep posting.

H&H xx

[Brigid]

Welcome CDB,
I'm sorry to say this, but at the moment, you are probably not very good boyfriend material.  In order to be ready, willing and able to enter a healthy and fullfilling relationship, you must first be a healthy individual yourself.  I would say that you have some work to do before you are ready to offer yourself to someone else.  Otherwise, any relationship you would entertain at this point would be starting off on shaky ground at best.

My suggestion would be to spend some time working on you.  I would strongly recommend getting back into therapy, perhaps some AD's would be appropriate as you sound pretty depressed.  Find a therapist you can connect with and stay with him/her until you have worked through all the issues surrounding you.  You need a better sense of self and to eventually learn to love yourself--then you will be ready to love someone else. 

If going back to school or being trained in a trade so that you have a future career would make you feel more capable and independent, perhaps that should be another consideration.  If your excess weight is adding to your poor self-image, you may want to find some support to work on that issue as well. 

You are an adult who must take responsibility for the decisions you make for your life.  We can look at our FOO and find the explanations for why we have made some of our life choices, but continuing to hold them responsible only keeps us stuck.  You must find the resolution and the way to making a better, happier life for yourself--which hopefully, will eventually include someone else.

Sorry if I sound a little preachy, but I understand to a degree how you feel and how my therapist got me to turn my life around.  Hope this helps a little.

Brigid

[Sela]

Hello CDB88:

I'm sorry your life has been so painful.  It sounds like are doing your best to list what's happened/how things are very neatly, but inside, maybe you don't feel so organized and tidy??  No wonder!  It sounds like you've lived with a lot of chaos and that would probably send most people's innards for a spin.

A couple of your statements jump out at me:

I found my self to be the runt of the pack.

I was able to get myself to go to college, but I always felt like I was beyond my station or social class to do so.

The feeling of unworthiness seems to be a notorious effect of abuse.   It's so difficult to overcome sometimes but I would like to help you begin by saying that you are a worthy and valuable person who deserves to be loved and to love.  Those who have hurt you are the true runts of low station.  No child should have to suffer the kind of upbringing you've managed to endure.

I fear it will never happen for me

You've managed to live through much and I bet it wasn't easy.  That in itself shows you have the ability to keep going and to hope for a better future.  Please don't quit hoping and striving for your dreams now.

I’m too damaged to ever be able to have a relationship with a woman.

Reminds me of a line from "One Flew Over the Coocoo's Nest":     "The machine is broken."

Damage can be repaired.  You're not a machine so it's not a simple matter of ordering and replacing parts, ofcourse but there is hope for you!  The first thing might be to decide that you are not some broken pile of rusted metal but rather someone who has been in a crash and could use some careful attention.

  

I fear I’m on the verge of another breakdown, and would like to know if there is a way to get myself straightened out.

My best advice is for you to ignor your fear, which is not an easy thing to do but you can do it!  And get out there and find a good mechanic!  (a therapist you feel safe and comfy with).   Breakdowns are serious events and the best way to avoid one is to seek help before that happens.

Take care of you  CDB88 and welcome here.

Sela

[ANewSheriff]

Hello CD888,

I am glad you found this board.  I read through your post and your history.  You are very honest and your desire for change is palpable.  One thing about change is that it can be a very random event or a very intentional one.  By intentional I mean that you can begin to turn this all around today.  

Personally, I believe in the theory of acting your way into better thinking.  Some say, "Bring your body, your mind will follow."  This means that we can sit around and wait for a change in thinking and attempt to make changes in our old thinking patterns by bargaining with the heavens above to relieve of us our fears and phobias, but it is mostly for naught as most significant and lasting change occurs through action.

I have at times wondered about my social skills.  I felt at times like I would either talk incessantly or make inappropriate comments by disclosing too much information, etc.  Well, my knee-jerk reaction was to start shying away from functions.  This prolonged my fear.  What I did was to begin to immerse myself in social situations so that I could go and observe how others interracted, figure out just what the protocol was.  It was scary because the old stinkin' thinkin' was there, alive and well.  But, it worked.  I am much more comfortable in social situations these days.  

What I will tell you here is that I could probably line up the people who know me and show them this post and just about every one of them would not believe I have battled this fear.  I am the welcoming committee for my neighborhood, I volunteer regularly in my community, I am forever organizing outings to the movies or coffees.  I suppose the thing that I found most paralyzing was this notion that people could look at me and know what I was thinking or feeling.  They can't.  

The truth is that all these people who look so perfect, educated, and confident are battling their own demons.  They could care less about mine because they are just as worried I can see all their  worries, woes, and phobias.  If we all walked around unzipped, we would see many more commonalities than differences.  

You will have to go day by day and retrain your thinking.  Perhaps just making eye contact with three people today and saying, "Hello.  How is your day today?" might be a huge advancement for you.  We all have to start somewhere.  My bet is that you will be doing somebody a favor in taking the time to ask.  

We have become a socially retarded nation.  We have more people on the planet than ever before in our history, yet so many people are suffering from chronic loneliness.  We were not designed to go it alone.  We need these intimate relationships for our physical and mental well-being.  Don't kid yourself that everyone else has it together and you are lagging behind.  You are most certainly not.  A book that I have only read excerpts from is "Bowling Alone" by Robert Putnam.  It addresses this social phenomena we are experiencing.  

Go get 'em, CD...

ANewSheriff

[Hops]

Hi CDB,
I couldn't add a useful word to the superb advice you've gotten here already.
Just wanted to say hello.
I have a lot of compassion for how you feel. It must be lonely.

I think you may need more than a weekly therapy session.
When things get that critical, sometimes you need to go on a serious campaign
to absolutely STUFF your life with as much positive energy and support as you
can surround yourself with...and KEEP ON DOING IT. I promise, it really does
have a life-changing effect over time.

The thing is, do it when you feel miserable, inept, ugly, stupid, geeky, and lonely.
Just make your body go through the motions and be there, at things like this (these
are just examples, and I'm sure they won't all fit...but try those that do, okay? As
many as you can...). Eventually, your emotions will catch up with the lifegiving things your body is doing:

--church or meditation group every week
--Overeaters Anonymous once or twice a week
--individual therapy once a week
--group therapy or similar support group once a week
--exercise once a day, with a partner or bird group or anything...just to be with people and move
--reading a spiritually positive book every morning when you first wake up
--same at night (don't feel like it? just make your eyeballs read it!  )
--deliberately de-clutter your living space, get rid of ALL junk
--clean it, bring in a new plant
--take a free art class and sketch or paint a little every day
--play beautiful music on the radio every time you're alone, not disturbing stuff
--do something very consciously and kindly for yourself with cleansing every day, make your bath a caring personal ritual, NOT self-loathing
--keep your hygeine immaculate and get new clothes (as I'm broke, I get mine at the Goodwill)

I believe these things will give you hope.
And keep posting!

Hopalong

[penelope]

Hi DBB88,

I can surely relate to what ANewSheriff said:

I suppose the thing that I found most paralyzing was this notion that people could look at me and know what I was thinking or feeling.

Sometimes we have to set our goals a little higher than what we actually think we can achieve, and it's scary as hell, but once you get through it you think - hey, I did it.  And the next time you're like: oh ya, I can do that. 

It was this way with me all throughout college and beyond, people scared the living daylights out of me - I was very shy.  Then when I did talk I found I said the darned things, that other people didn't say.  People must have thought I was socially retarded or something.  Anyway, after you get around people, and learn that the rest of the world is better than where you came from, it's amazing how strong you can start to feel about yourself.

As for the girlfriend - what do you like to do?  I think the place to start is with the hobbies you think you'd like to do with this g/f if you had her.  If you go out and start doing those things, you might be surprised at how unlonely you feel, and you may make a few friends that will more than make up for not having the g/f.     just a thought.   IMO sex is highly overrated - in fact, I don't typically believe it requires two people to be good.     This is the dirty little secret they never tell ya until you're able to have all the sex you'd actually want with someone else!  Intimacy really has nothing to do with sex, and the human need for sex really has nothing to do with needing a partner to have it.  So I think what you're craving is not that, but a friend.  And that is a friend to share your life with.  good luck

hugs,
pb

[marydunne]

Hello

Just to add to the good advice already posted:

I agree that at this time, you are not ready for a healthy relationship.  It's much better to be healthy within yourself before trying to establish a physically and emotionally intimate relationship with another person (more people should do this, IMO).  You don't have to be PERFECTLY healthy, but overall in good shape.

Therapy, exercise, meditation (I personally favour yoga for all forms of healing), journalling - all of these will help.  And also - do your hobbies and interests, just because they give you pleasure.  Authentic pleasures are very healing in and of themselves.  E.g. I like to walk in the rain, or just after a rainstorm, because it makes me feel connected to the spiritual aspect of the universe.  Which might sound like absolute nonsense to someone else.  But it works for me (and it's not like anyone's getting hurt because I walk in the rain).  So give yourself those pleasures - they don't have to be expensive or elaborate, but they must be AUTHENTIC (i.e. expressive of the inner YOU).

As for social awkwardness - EVERYONE feels this at times.  So don't be too hard on yourself about it.  Take it one step at a time.  Connecting with people who share your interests is often a good way to find a comfort zone to sort of "practice" in.

One more thing - any negative people in your life, DROP THEM.  Set a policy that only positive, good people can enter your inner circle.  You deserve no less!

Good luck. 

[adrift]

Hi and welcome to the board!

You've gotten lots of great advice.  Don't focus on the fact that you don't have a g/f or that you haven't had one, focusing on that will only make you feel worse. Instead, focus on what you can do for yourself that is positive.  For example, I've struggled with weight problems for many years.  I use to let it get me down and depressed and I'd start hating myself and then I'd be digging into the ice cream.  Now, I decide that I'm gonna be proud of myself that I walked today because that means today I went in a positive direction and therefore I deserve to feel good about doing that.  Course, it's not easy to find time to exercise and I don't like gyms (too public) and I choose to believe that if I stick with it, that I will see results!!  Pilates are great exercises as you can do them in the privacy of your home and they work really well.  You can probably rent a Pilates dvd at your local library or Movie Gallery. 

Do focus on getting yourself happy and whole.  AS hard as it is, drop the negative people in your life.  I too use to feel like the "runt of the pack" and then I decided that I would rather be alone than hang out with those people.  AFter a while I found new friends.  I stumbled into marriage before I was ready and it's been very hard on me, my DH and my oldest child.  Do yourself a favor, like I said before, work on yourself so you will be ready for a girlfriend soon.  One thing that has helped me tremendously (besides this board and prayer) has been learning about Triangulation and the Karpman Triangle.  Once I realized my dad was scapegoating me because I was the only available to scapegoat and that I didn't deserve it, I felt like I had been released from prison!!!! 

As hard as it is sometimes, be positive.  Pat yourself on the back when you do something good for yourself. AND PLAN TO DO AT LEAST ONE THING GOOD FOR YOURSELF EACH DAY!!!  Like someone else said, authentic pleasures ARE very healing. For me, that is reading a book or taking a long walk.  THose things help me to center and relieve stress.

Another thing that helped me was that a while back, I too was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (or maybe I had one, I don't know but it was awful!)  And I decided then that I was gonna stop running from my past, from  my mistakes, from my disappointments and from myself: I decided to face that fact that I have issues and allow myself to explore my depression/pain/unhappiness and only when I embraced my problems could I then begin to work on them.  Basically I looked depression in the face and said, "You're not gonna run my life anymore because I'm gonna accept that you exist and stop trying to avoid you and I'm gonna look at why you're here and figure out how to get rid of you!!"

It sounds to me like you have a good persepective and that you're willing to make positive steps, for example you went to college---which can be a very overwhelming thing to do but you did it!! You can make more positive steps too, just put one foot in front of the other!!  Kind of like the Nike commercial, "Just DO it!""

Adrift

[penelope]

very inspiring adrift