Response from D!

[Hopalong]

I have not pestered my daughter.
For three weeks now, I have just left her a short friendly voicemail on Sunday nights.

It still is so hard. She does not respond.
It's as though her brutal email from France is coming true, that she wants only a superficial
relationship with me. Only now, it feels as though she wants none at all.

We've never before gone so long out of contact.

I was okay last weekend and still am...
Just feeling it tonight because although I told her I was doing a sermon today,
she ignored the whole thing.

And it was important to me. Haven't done it for 19 years, and I think she knows
how important the church is to me.

Anyway, it feels so strange to have so many other people coming up and hugging
and thanking me and giving me love...

except my only child.

Ow.

Hops

 

[moonlight52]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HOPS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

She will be in contact with you and in the mean time you send your LOVE thu a constant Golden Thread from your Heart to hers.

Until the time she reaches out to you again .She needs the time .All the Love that you have to share she will see.

And so it will be...................

Love to you HOPS  Thank you for all you are you are..... such a kind soul ............

Moon

[Hopalong]

Thank you so much, Moon.

You give me strength to keep on giving her the space and time.

I'll keep up my very short Sunday message, and no more.

I just miss her. Want her to not be so tortured any more.

Thanks again. (She would've hated my sermon anyway!)

love,
Hops

[pennyplant]

I'm so sorry Hops.  Your heart must be breaking.  But I don't think it will always be this way.  She will understand and she will grow as a person and be able to reach back some day.  You are right to keep to your idea of emailing her each Sunday night.  It will get through to her on some level and when she is ready she will know you are there because you have been all along.  I do understand you wondering about her.  It seems a simple thing for her to ask about the sermon since she knew about it.  But she is unable to at this time.  It will be better in the long run not to hold her to any standard.  Just to be ready when she is ready.  She does love you, this is just a hard time right now.  It will not last forever.

Love, Pennyplant

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))))))))))))

Huge hugs to you sweetie…. Please be assured that you are doing everything right, IMHO.  Your short message every Sunday will show her that you are always there for her, no matter what.  You are showing her unconditional love, and that is very special hon.  It will take time, and this isn’t something that will happen overnight… I do feel this is something that will work in the long run, and I don’t think anyone can tell you how long it will take, but hold on to the hope that it WILL happen.  I know in my heart it will, but it’s just something she has to come to learn in her own time, and in time, possibly many years down the line if she has her own children, she may come to realise just how difficult it must have been for you at the moment.

Honestly girl…. You are doing a great job at the moment…. Being a parent is about adapting and responding in a way you think is best.  This is what you are doing.  It may be different to what you are used to, but you are still being a parent to her.  Make any sense?

Stay strong…. Things will change for the better in the long run… hold that thought!

Love H&H xx

[Hopalong]

It may be different to what you are used to, but you are still being a parent to her.

Thanks, H & H. Thanks so much. (((((((((((H&H)))))))))))))

PP: this helps a lot. Thanks for your strength (I'll borrow some!):

It will be better in the long run not to hold her to any standard.  Just to be ready when she is ready.

Will do. May get wobbly and ask for a little Pooooor You once in a while to keep on track,
but I'll do it!

love,
Hops

[WRITE]

except my only child.

Ow.

children are horrid selfish brats and the sooner we push them out of the nest the better!

Ok, I don't really mean that...but you did your best for her, you've left the door open and a shining light for her. Maybe it's just her time to move away and become herself? And that means you did a good job, she is becoming an independent adult. Which I know is something has worried you before, that she wasn't being so 'grown-up'.

I'm sure she'll want to get to know you as another adult and wonderful person in your own right not just 'mum' when she is ready.

And all these beautiful fulfilling things in your own life are happening with perfect synchronicity too!

[ANewSheriff]

Hops:

Anyway, it feels so strange to have so many other people coming up and hugging
and thanking me and giving me love...

except my only child.

Ow is right, Hops.  Dig your fingernails in and hang on.  Remind yourself of the times in your life that you required some distancing from those close to you.  She is figuring things out. 

ANewSheriff     

[Sela]

Hops, I have to rush out now so I haven't time to read more here right now and offer more.

I just wanted to send you a big huge giant large hug.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sela

[Portia]

ahhh ((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))

what's your 'attachment type' Hops? I think mine is Wobbler with a tendency towards Avoidant....hopefully moving ever so slowly towards something approaching Secure. Avoidants don't want any intimate relationships, Wobblers move between Avoidant and Clinger (and can therefore be exasperating). Apparently. What's your D? How has she behaved towards her friends, bfs? Just ruminating. Chew chew.

Love. I don't know. What it is. Time and attention for sure.

I love my two half brothers, although not like if I'd lived with them I bet. But I love them in some way, will give them attention and time, worry about their decisions and futures. I don't hear from them, they're 21 and 24. I send them cards, emails and they don't respond too often. We communicate maybe twice a year. I don't expect anything and it's so nice when they contact me.

Parental love goes down to the next generation. A child's love for parent isn't the same as love for their own children. I think maternal love is the 'strongest' love, can hold the strongest emotions.When/if your D becomes a mother, maybe she'll change a lot, in many ways.

I think it's odd to receive love from people who are not my 'family' too but hey! I'm starting to think, I gotta get love where i can coz heck, there's none on the way from certain people. I like the love that does flow my way and it's changed my life, my outlook. Hmmm. When I was your D's age I didn't know what love was, hadn't a clue.

Anyway Hops that probably doesn't fill your heart which has a 'D's love' shaped yearning. i don't know. I think children don't give us the love we didn't get from our parents, children give us joy (and terror and great sadness) and they go on to give their hearts to their own children, maybe that's too biological an outlook, also maybe I'm imagining something a bit too perfect. If you had a different life Hops, a husband, other children, an 18 hour a day demanding job you loved, would your D's lack of communication be so hurtful? It might be, i don't know. I read your post in musing mode and you've got a load of stuff you probably didn't want.

Another big hug I think

((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

(((((((((Write, ANS, Sela, and Portia)))))))))

Thank you. I am much comforted by your kindness.
I've settled down again...sure as clockwork, it does hurt more on weekends.
I thank you sincerely for the perspective and the reminders to stay steady.

I may ask again when I wobble so thanks for your generosity of support.

P, my attachment type is barnacle-leech-limpet-unweaned infant.
Other than that, I'm very autonomous.

You said something beautiful:

your heart which has a 'D's love' shaped yearning

and something very astute:

If you had a different life Hops, a husband, other children, an 18 hour a day demanding job you loved, would your D's lack of communication be so hurtful?

You're right. It would be a concern but not as acute. Absolutely. Good reminder that she is not responsible for my fulfillment. I am. Working on it...and once the job situation is resolved, I know my mind will work more sensibly.

And Write:

perfect synchronicity

... thanks for this too.

Even when I don't see it, I bet you're right, Write!

Thanks all. I feel peaceful tonight.

love
Hops

[Hopalong]

Hey all my dear buddies who sent me such comfort.

Just got a very short email from D, who says she's fine just very busy and trying to save her phone minutes and to tell Grandma she'd talk to her soon.

No interest in me but she did respond to my phone msg of yesterday (I said, would love to hear from you).

Fine with me, I am relieved.
I think I'll keep up the Sunday short messages. Seems a nice sort of policy...

We have a long way to go and one day she may be affectionate again. No "love" but that's where she is right now. I'm very grateful she wrote but think I'll just let it rest until Sunday.

Grateful to all of you for helping me hang on to my resolve, I need to continue it.

THANKS!

Hops

[pennyplant]

Good news, Hops.  She has not shut the door.  It's hard, I know, to have to wait and to have such hopes and still have to wait.  You can come here for the Poor Yous any time of the day or night.  We will wait it out with you.  It is so hard.  But you've got supporters!!!

Love, Pennyplant

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))

That's good news hon.... baby steps remember, Rome wasn't built in a day...

I think you are wise to let it rest until Sunday, and come Sunday a thank you for your email, I'm glad to hear your doing well and hope you make some time for yourself... that kind of thing, I feel will go down well.

Stay strong.... I do feel sure in the long run this will all be worthwhile!

Take care and look after yourself.

Love H&H xx

[Portia]

Hops 

I laughed at your description of attachment. Not sure i should? Yeah, i think you wanted me to! Thank you thank you thank you I feel like shouting down the street, with a megaphone:

"This self-awareness thing is all very well BUT it doesn't make a duck's arse difference to how I am!" (that's how I feel some days, truly trapped by simple cause and effect and it makes me mad! )

and relax. I'm so glad you have contact. Houston, we have contact bzzt, bzzt, over.

I imagine your D feels enormously loved by you and in time she'll come to see that love for the gift it is, maternal love not being at all 'a matter of course' but something chosen and directed i think. I'm happy for you right now Hops, glad you've heard and that you're relieved. She loves you Hops, she'll always love you, even if she doesn't show it, doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.

(((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))) (tight limpet hug from a wobbler !)