Pending funeral...

[ANewSheriff]

I got a call a few weeks ago that my grandfather has cancer.  It is terminal and will probably go very quickly since they will not even let him return to his home and have moved him to a nursing facility.  He is 88 years old and has lived a long life.  His wife passed a couple of years ago.

 My brother, sister, and myself have never been close to these grandparents so although we feel badly for the circumstance there is little in the way of personal loss.  That sounds callous, but they were just not the touchy, feely kind of grandparents people think of.  We kept in loose contact, but that was about it.  No emotional ties.

My Nmother is the only child and has flown to "assist" my grandfather.  I have not called her.  The reason is because I believe her "assistance" is a sham.  My mother has not been able to hold a steady job for ten years.  She will use anything as an excuse to not work.  When my grandmother died she quit her job so she could "be with her".  There were two reasons my mother quit her job:  1) she didn't want to work and 2) she thought quitting made her "look" like a selfless saint.  People deal with aging and sick relatives all the time and do not have to quit their jobs.  It is ridiculous she does this because she lives way beyond her means and is always in debt.     

I have traditionally been the voice in our family.  But, when my brother and sister and I drove to my grandmother's funeral I made a decision before we left not to speak on these issues.  I would go and offer support to my grandfather and pay my last respects.  That is all and that is it.  During our eight hour ride in the car my usually silent brother began to speak (out of the blue) about his feelings and apprehension regarding having to deal with our mother.  I WAS SHOCKED!  Everything I had been thinkiing, feeling, and saying for years came up.  He was dreading having to deal with her.  I sat silently and listened stating only that I was already on record with my feelings about our mother.  This was a hugely affirming even for me.   

As expected my mother used her own mother's death and funeral as a stage for her own dramatics.  It was as if she had rehearsed some of her reactions.  The sad thing is that the audience was so small because my grandparents had little social liife.  Still, it was an embarrassing and dysfunctional mess.  Nobody confronted her, but nobody fed into her behavior either.  We all sat and watched as she (like a small child) made feeble attempts at gathering sympathy and attention.  But, nobody moved to comfort her - not her children, her father, her husband, nobody...  It seemed to me that everyone had finally become aware of all her games and simply did not want to play anymore. 

So, in light of all this, I have made a decision not to attend my grandfather's funeral.  The reason is that I do not believe it is a send off for him, a time to say good-bye and pay last respects.  I believe that it will just be a sadistic platform for my mother.  I will send flowers, make a donation, etc., but do not want to be a part in making a mockery out of this man's funeral.  Tell me the truth.  Am I off on this?  Is this just too cold-hearted?  What would you do?  Thanks, guys...

ANewSheriff       

 

[Portia]

Hi ANS, difficult decisions and from your post it seems to me you've spent a great deal of time thinking this through, considering everyone and yourself.

I don't know whether you want to go or not?

I don't think any action is cold hearted, if it's thought through and considered, if the emotions are thought through and you don't intend, by your actions, to hurt anyone.

Funerals are for the living imo - and that includes you, and your needs.

If you'll feel anything 'bad' for not going (impact on others, your own feelings towards your grandfather), then your feelings come first. Maybe remove your mother from the event for a moment - if she wasn't around, was overseas say, would you go?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Sherriff

This is hard, and I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.

I don't think you are off or cold hearted at all, just trying to make the best decision based on previous actions.  You asked, what would you do?  It's very hard to say.... In all honesty I would probably go, for my own needs to say goodbye to my grandfather.  But I can also relate as when my granddad died, I hardly knew him and I was second in line to walk behind the coffin.  I felt such a fraud!

There is no right and wrong answer.... it's about doing what it best for you.  You can say goodbye and give a personal send off yourself in your own way and there is nothing wrong in that.  But there is also the option to go, let your mother have her little games and attention seeking, and say goodbye and give a personal send off with your brother and sister (if they want to go)

I think maybe a way to look at this is to try and picture yourself 10 years from now.... would this be something you would regret?

((((((((((((((ANS))))))))))))))))

H&H xx

[ANewSheriff]

Portia:

Maybe remove your mother from the event for a moment - if she wasn't around, was overseas say, would you go?

This is good, Portia.  I will think about this for awhile.  I admit that it is hard to remove my mother as she will inevitably make this all about her.  I appreciate your thoughts on this very much.  Really, thank you. 

HA&H:

I felt such a fraud!

Thank you for sharing this.  I think you just hit on what I am really feeling.  This all feels very fraudulent.

I think maybe a way to look at this is to try and picture yourself 10 years from now.... would this be something you would regret?

I need to ponder this some more.  My knee-jerk reaction is to say I would not regret not going.  But, you are opening up some avenues here that I need to go further down and explore.  I'll keep working on this. 

ANS

[Sela]

Hi ANS:

What you're thinking, sounds logical to me.   It sounds more respectful to

not want to be a part in making a mockery out of this man's funeral

.......than to go because of some genetic tie, I think, or out of guilt, or because of some other pressure.

People skip funerals all the time for much less or whatever reasons.  Will your family try to lay some kind of guilt on you, if you don't go, do you think?  If so, can you make a plan to deal with that?

Sela  

[pennyplant]

It's hard for me to answer from your point of view as I have never experienced such a funeral as the one you attended for your grandmother.  I've never had that element to contend with.

Attending a funeral or not is a symbolic gesture.  It makes a statement.  If the most important statement you want to make is to not support your mother's guaranteed actions, then not going is the correct thing to do.

If not going will be more respectful of your grandfather than going would be, then not going is also correct in this case.

If it were me, I would attend because for me the most important gesture would be to pay my respects to the man who was my grandfather by attending the service.

That said, I did skip a funeral once.  My husband's grandmother died several years ago.  As was usual for his family, planning the funeral was chaotic.    Nobody could decide when it would be.  All the arrangements were pre-paid so the only decision to be made was when to have it.  This grandmother was a very mean-spirited person all her life.  Due to terrible childhood circumstances, imho.  But nevertheless, she had mostly been mean and rude to her family, even children.  Her mean dog was the only creature she consistantly showed affection for.

The first notice gave a date for the funeral.  My husband and I changed our plans for that weekend so we could attend.  The next notice gave a different date.  We changed our plans again in order to attend.  Finally, word came down that yet another date had been picked, firmly this time.  Well, our plans for that weekend included me taking a civil service test that had been scheduled for months and wouldn't be available again for quite some time.  My husband was due to begin his first weekend at Navy Reserve Training.  We did not rearrange these plans for the funeral.  I don't know why we were willing to rearrange the other weekends and not this one.  You can pretty much get out of anything for a funeral.  I think it was more a statement about the ridiculous bickering this family participates in for anything big.  We'd had enough.  These were our lives to live.  No one has ever said anything to him about us not attending.  We are not especially close to these people anyway.  They don't make it easy.

So, that's my take on it ANewSheriff.  I'm glad you have some time to think about it.  It is sad that your grandfather has led such a life where this has to be an issue.  It is sad that your mother is N and can't even properly mourn her parents.  But all this is out of your hands.  Do what is best for you with a free conscience.

(((((ANewSheriff))))))))))

Pennyplant

[jordanspeeps]

Hi ANewSheriff,

If I were you, I would follow your heart.  Let your decisions revolve around your grandfather, not your Nmother.  If you try, you can make her invisible and not even indulge her histrionics.  I would probably regret not going, personally.  But that's me, I tend to worry about things like disrespecting the deceased and the Golden Rule.  Would I want my disenfranchised grandchildren to attend my funeral?  Probably so.  Your mother is sick.  She's not in her right mind.  Parental death is serious for most Ns.  They tend to really flip out during this time in their lives.  They regress in a major way from what I hear. I'm not trying to instill sympathy, but it would be a strong move on your part to walk in there, do the duty, and return home unfazed by your mother.  She's the sick one, not you.  This may make your grieving process a more healthy one.  Your not just grieving your grandfather's loss, you're also grieving the loss of a proper mom.

I hope you reach a decision that gives you peace.  Go with your gut.

Tiffany

[ANewSheriff]

PP:

If it were me, I would attend because for me the most important gesture would be to pay my respects to the man who was my grandfather by attending the service.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this.  I like what you said here.  I am thinking, thinking, thinking and taking all of this into consideration.  I gain a lot of insight and wisdom in learning what another might do, say, or feel.  I appreciate this very much, PP. 

jordanspeeps:

They regress in a major way from what I hear.

I am hear to tell you that this is the truth.  Thank you for your insight and support, jp.  I like your style!!!

jac:

God, I think I live for the day that will happen in my own family.

 

jac, I cannot tell you how bizarre and surreal it was.  I felt almost disembodied watching this movie-like drama.  She has definitely been the 'elephant in the living room' in our family for years.  I sat stunned that nobody cared to engage with her - not her father, her children, or her husband.  I was sickened and affirmed at the same time. 

I have much to think and pray about with this issue.  I am very grateful for the feedback and responses.  I am unsure of what I will do as much of what you all have posted makes me realize this is not a cut and dry decision.  My intentional estrangement with my mother these past months makes this really difficult.  I am so happy to have some advice and opinions.  I will continue to seek guidance on this matter and will let you know how things pan out. 

ANS