listing desired attributes in significant other

[Certain Hope]

Hi Write,

   The is it/ isn't it thing is definitely a pain in the neck... (although I think the image of you plucking daisy petals is a charming one  )

    IF the emotional investment could be set aside for now (safely tucked under the mattress or in the piggybank) and
 
    If you really do like this guy (guy #1) and

    If you are disappointed that he hasn't followed through on writing to you more, as he said he'd do...

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying so to him. Not in a condemning way, of course, but just as a matter of fact... you still want your space (defined as you see fit), you're still not ready for a committed relationship, you still enjoy spending time with a variety of folks, but ... "gee, I really would like to correspond with you, if that's something you'd enjoy doing."

   Just a thought... because it seems important to me that in getting away from any sense of desperation re: relationships, and in recognizing that you don't absolutely need to have someone right now forever and a day, I think it would be a shame to not ask for what you'd really like, on your terms, even more than once, if for no other reason than to get practice at it    Hope that makes sense... it's been floating around in my head all day.

Love,
Hope

[WRITE]

I really like it that you're open to spending time and getting to know several people in a light and present, be in this day and enjoy it, kind of way. Keep that up, dear.

I wrote to him and thanked him for a lovely evening etc. he's not responded so I will not write or call until he does. And I'll gently introduce reciprocity into one of our conversations, he was talking about making deeper relationships with siblings and stuff so it doesn't have to be about me/ romance!

I am not going to actually get involved romantically with anyone else until I figure where this is going, he's a really honest straightforward guy and would soon back off from any game-playing, that's one of the things I like most about him; but I think we need to have a talk some time soon and 'put our cards on the table'.

Sometimes I think the emotional investment goes into the not knowing and fantasy whereas if he were to say, sorry I just want to be friends I can take a real step back and just enjoy the friendship without feeling like I might be trampling something else.

( if that makes sense )

The is it/ isn't it thing is definitely a pain in the neck... (although I think the image of you plucking daisy petals is a charming one 

Thank you, not sure if we have daisies in Texas? 

I think it would be a shame to not ask for what you'd really like, on your terms, even more than once, if for no other reason than to get practice at it

You're right, and until I can handle the emotions associated with rejection I can't really risk a relationship can I, they often only get worse as time goes on.

He doesn't seem the mean kind, who would totally reject someone, or harshly, so probably a good candidate to open up with too.

I am getting less insecure, and more happy with myself, and my life is straightening out, and I am beginning to know myself better than ever.

A lot of my anxieties come from being overwhelmed or ill or stressed or tired, so I am learning to manage them:

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Thank you all for talking/ walking me through this ((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))

[Healing&Hopeful]

[I am getting less insecure, and more happy with myself, and my life is straightening out, and I am beginning to know myself better than ever.

((((Write))))

I am so glad to read this... I'm really pleased for you.  And I am glad to read reciprical.  While I was reading I thought, there's nothing to say about meeting someone who treats Write the way she deserves to be treated, because I feel that is very important too.

Take care

H&H xx

[WRITE]

Thanks H & H.

I think I do attach to people very easily, and it's in many ways a blessing and a skill...but in terms of romance I am coming to understand the 'saving yourself for someone special' concept. Not as any expression of chastity or self-discipline ( bit late for that, smile ) but just because I have tried all the nearly-relationships and know now, they aren't enough for me.

I guess as you change and grow you need a partner/ friendships with other people who do the same. And you can't know that about someone for a while in close contacts.

Isn't it strange & wonderful, in all the time I've been posting I've gone from abusive husband and dare I leave to I only want a relationship that's really good. It's been a hiccuppy journey, but I'm getting there.

[Hopalong]

I missed this on my first reading, so glad I went back. I understand this enormously, Write:

Sometimes I think the emotional investment goes into the not knowing and fantasy

This is what I did with men for most of my life. Until my last-N bf, which ended a year and a half ago.

Anne Wilson's Schaf's Escape from Intimacy was a big help to me with this (except I don't go as far as she does into the addiction/disease model)...it taught me a lot about how I was in love with fantasies in my own head. Prevented me from being present and staying in the present, and not leaping ahead, not pushing/pressing/subtly urging the other person to move in the direction I wanted.

If I have another relationship one day, I'm really going to be present. As if present is all there is. If one day, my present with a person begins to include my desire to, in that present with that person, begin to make plans for the future, I'll know it because we'll both be there. And if we're not, then I will pull right back from the future and assess the present again, realistically, to see if I think my partner is still heading that way. I'll have patience, but not limitless. I'm 56, after all!

Hops, daydreaming

[Brigid]

Hops,
I have to say, that being in a wild, crazy, fun-filled, loving relationship at the age of 56 is so much better than I ever could have imagined.  There just aren't the same pressures that I felt in my 20's and 30's.  There is no biological time clock ticking, the "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" b.s., young children to attend to, the time constraints of building a career (for either of us), saving to buy a home, whatever.  We are fortunate to have more control over our available time for each other and to get away from home.

You are so correct about staying in the present and enjoying those moments.  I admit to slipping up on that from time to time and worrying about the future, but I am trying to maintain a balance that keeps me grounded, but having fun and appreciating it.  I am not getting any younger and I know that, but I also know that I am not old and won't be for a long time.  But the benefit of being older is that I just don't give a rat's behind anymore what people think about what I doing or whom I'm doing it with.  My kids and friends support me, and that's all I need.

My advice to you and anyone else who is interested in companionship--make yourself available and test the waters.  Find some male companions to spend time with and have some fun.  Don't put pressure on yourself to find "the one."  He'll probably come along when you least expect it, but he surely won't ever come along if you're not available to be found. 

Write, it sounds like you are doing just that and finding it to be pleasurable and exciting.  Good for you.  You truly have come miles in your time here and it is so good to read.  All the best.

Hugs,

Brigid

[WRITE]

If I have another relationship one day, I'm really going to be present. As if present is all there is.

it's scary.
I can live in the moment in most ways quite bravely now, but let someone look lovingly at me with deep blue eyes and I say something like 'all men are abusive' and he shakes his head softly and smiles at me. But he doesn't look at me like that again, not openly.

Find some male companions to spend time with and have some fun.  Don't put pressure on yourself to find "the one."  He'll probably come along when you least expect it, 

yes, it's something Kate White wrote in one of her books ( 9 Secrets of Women Who Get Everything They Want ) She was looking at art in a gallery waiting for her husband and a gorgeous guy came over and asked her out; she wondered where all these lovely men where when she was single...but of course being totally content she's now giving off a different vibe than she was then when good relationships seemed to elude her.

but he surely won't ever come along if you're not available to be found.

and available in the emotional sense as much as the time and place.

Thank you so much for reminding me that life getting a bit older ( and wiser ) is so much better. Being 40 is turning out to be fun after all!!!

I was in love with fantasies in my own head.

absolutely. I know everyone daydreams but once you have a mental image of how you'd like things to unfold, the reality can seem less than perfect. Expectations can really squash the sponteneity!

I'm 56, after all!

one thing I am learning is- enjoy every day! Right now that's mostly on my own or with the dog or my son ( he's last as his pre-teen moods and my optimism don't exactly gel soemtimes! )

But getting into bed with some things accomplished, everyone safe and well, and lookign forward to tomorrow. EVen if I never find a partner I can live a pretty good life like that I think.



 

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

  You write about being   available in the emotional sense as much as the time and place.

   I get this visual of open hands, versus fingers clenched and clinging to remnants of shattered illusions.

I think that we can open the hands of our hearts to both give and receive to the extent that we recognize that all men (and women) have the capacity to act in an abusive manner. Learning to live and give fully despite that awareness is the challenge, I think. There's an equal and opposite reaction to any action in nature. To me, this means that we have the capacity to refuse to receive any abusive offerings others may extend to us. The truly opposite reaction to abuse offered is to decline it, not to give it back, and not even to see it coming and run, I think. Knowing that frees me up to stop watching with hawk eyes for any negative signals and just be. To just be is to be dis-illusioned in the very most positive way, I think. You're doing great, imo!

Love,
Hope