Author Topic: Assertiveness  (Read 1766 times)

Certain Hope

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Assertiveness
« on: July 29, 2006, 01:39:46 PM »
Hi,

Found this info at Mental Health Net and wanted to share. It's likely that many of the folks here are already quite familiar with the concepts that I'm finding I need to investigate further, but I'm thinking that there still may be some who, like I, were stuck in survival mode for so long that there remains a gap to be bridged... between having survived and learning how to thrive. I've highlited (I hope) several parts that really impacted me.

Hope

Setting boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training
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Assertiveness Training suggests that there are essentially three different ways that people can relate to one another. They can be: 1) aggressive, 2) passive or 3) assertive. Most people come to assertiveness training already understanding what aggression and passivity mean, but they don't understand assertiveness at all, at first.

Aggression is about dominance. A person is aggressive when they impose their will onto another person and force them to submit, in effect invading that person's personal space and boundary. Violence may be used in this effort, but it is not a necessary component of aggression. Passivity, on the other hand is about submission. Passivity occurs when a person submits to another person's dominance play, putting their own wishes and desires aside so as to pay attention to fulfilling the wishes and desires of their dominant partner. They may not like being dominated (most people don't), but it seems like the smart thing to do at the time (perhaps to avoid the threat of violence or other coercion). Aggression is about domination and invasion; it is fundamentally disrespectful of relationship partner's personal boundaries. Passivity is about submission and being invaded; it is fundamentally disrespectful of one's own personal boundaries.

In contrast to these two fundamentally disrespectful positions, assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationship partners. Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them, using any necessary method (including force) to repel the invasion attempt. Though they can be strong people who are capable of aggressive domination attempts, they never act in an aggressive manner, however, because they know that to do so would cause them to disrespect their relationship partner's boundaries. Another way to say this is that assertive people use aggression defensively, and never offensively.

There are many classic examples of assertive behavior in history that you can draw upon for guidance and inspiration. The examples of Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King come to mind readily, however. Both were leaders of oppressed, invaded groups who were dominated by an upper class (British colonials in the case of Gandhi, and the American White establishment in the case of Dr. King). Both leaders came to a realization that submission to the ruling powers was no longer working and that something drastic had to happen. Both leaders chose a path of non-violent resistance - this is what makes their behavior assertive rather than aggressive and what separates them from run-of-the-mill freedom fighters everywhere. Their commitment to non-violent resistance is what made them great. Both leaders demonstrated and protested against their oppression by the powers that held them down, but did so in a manner that respected the people wielding those powers to not themselves be violently targeted or oppressed. Both stuck to their posture of assertive protest despite becoming targets for escalating violence against their person, their families and the people they represented. In the end, both succeeded in making important reform occur, even if only imperfectly. They were able to make change occur through assertion, and you can do it too.

It is very hard for people used to acting passively to understand how to act assertively, however. Many people new to assertiveness training mistake aggressiveness for assertiveness. This is because their baseline position is passivity, and they literally cannot conceive that there is any alternative to just giving in to the demands of others other than to "fight fire with fire", usually in the same violent manner that their dominant partners model for them. Such newly "assertive" people will start yelling and screaming back at people who have historically yelled and screamed at them, not realizing in their newly empowered angry state that by acting in this way, they are going far beyond what is necessary for defending themselves, and may enter into the realm of becoming themselves abusive and dominating. This beginners mistake is probably inevitable, and certainly okay to make as a temporary and transitional stage towards better learning how to become assertive, but no one should linger there unnecessarily long. To do so is to substitute aggression for passivity, and to become a bully yourself.

(Part 2 to follow)


Certain Hope

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Re: Assertiveness
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2006, 02:03:31 PM »
Part 2 on Assertiveness:

Assertiveness training is all about helping people to know that there really are situations where they have a perfect right to defend themselves from bullying attempts made by others. Once people realize that it is okay, and even proper for them to stand up for themselves; to allow themselves to feel angry when they are taken advantage of, they tend to find that actually defending themselves is not so hard. Assertive behavior basically consists of the following steps:

· realizing that you have been dominated, or taken advantage of

· feeling the angry feelings (directed towards the dominating partner, and/or to yourself for allowing yourself to be dominated)

· deciding to act to put a stop to the domination

· acting on your conviction (which involves finding a way to demand your rights be respected, while also being polite and civil about it so as not to become aggressive yourself)

· waiting for your dominating relationship partner to escalate his or her bad behavior, so as to put you back in line and force you to submit again and then

      [ Inserting a thought here...... whew, this is the really hard part for me. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, as ~unless some dramatic change occurs in the dominating individual ~ it is bound to do. What I have experienced is that it's very tempting during this phase to allow my own emotions to get all riled up again, because I'm feeling like there's an anvil hanging over my head. The domineering party may not have done a thing (yet) but all of my own anticipation of his next big push for control can stir up some pretty angry, frustrated, hopeless feelings in me toward him. THIS is where I am finding the need to admit my own stinkin thinkin, humble myself, and  jump off that hamster wheel in order to control my own thoughts and feelings, just focusing on the ultimate goal, which is to be assertive re: my own boundaries regardless of the maneuverings of anyone else.  Hope ]

· resisting the urge to submit again in the face of escalation.

There is a certain inertia to how people relate to one another in relationships. A dominant partner is used to getting his or her way, and a submissive passive partner is used to giving the dominant partner his or her way. This pattern feels normal to both partners and any change will leave both partners feeling unsettled. Expect to feel weird when you decide to become assertive and change the pattern, and also expect that your partner will feel weird too and will generally be motivated to act so as to reassert the old comfortable pattern. Because the normal amount of domination is no longer working, most dominant partners will "up the ante" and try coming on stronger so as to try to power you into submission. Don't fall for this. If you can stand your ground for a while, both of you will get used to the new pattern of you being assertive.

Most of the time it is healthy and useful to assert yourself. However, you should be aware that there are some situations where attempting to assert yourself can get you harmed or killed. In order for assertion to work to change relationships, both partners have to be reasonable people at some level, and to minimally respect one another. Some abusive partners do not operate this way, and will not stop escalating their violent behavior in response to assertion until the newly assertive partner is dead. If you are in a relationship with this sort of abusive person, you are better off simply leaving the relationship outright rather than trying to change it. Use community resources (such as family, domestic violence shelters, court issued restraining orders and reporting to the police when incidents occur) to help protect yourself. Read more about abuse here. (link to Abuse topic center: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2&cn=2)

Assertiveness training is not just for passive-acting people; it is also of great use to people who are habitually aggressive towards others, but only as a component of a larger program of Anger Management. Passive-oriented people generally feel badly about their passive position; they are motivated to make changes and happy when they realize that they have a right to do so. In contrast, angry or bossy aggression-oriented people tend to be happy with their dominant position in relationships, even if they are not happy people in general. Aggressive and dominating tactics work for them (or so they think) and they are seldom motivated to change on their own. Assertiveness training makes intuitive (if frightening) sense to passive-oriented people; it seems to have little to offer to aggressive types. Therefore, assertiveness training must be supplemented with other interventions (and often serious consequences) if it is to get through to the aggressive person.

From http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9779

Stormchild

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Re: Assertiveness
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2006, 02:37:55 PM »
This is solid gold.

Hope, you've struck some kind of mother lode here today, huge amounts of valuable stuff. It's wonderful watching and reading and learning.

:D
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

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Hopalong

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Re: Assertiveness
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2006, 02:43:27 PM »
Me too, ditto, what she said! (Storm)

I was wondering, having just posted a long article myself...does anybody feel it might be good to put most verrrrrry long articles/info over on the What Helps? forum? It might be a little easier to just have convos and when you scroll, not mistakenly fall into an article and think it's a post...

(turn me loose on Google or Wiki and I could really clog up the pipes. But the stuff people have been sharing is good!)

Hmmm. What if we briefly summarize the subject & slant of an article, and then just say, I've posted it over on What Helps? on a new thread named ________.

What does anybody think? (Not wanting to impose any procedure, but it just struck me as maybe a good organizey kind of thought.)

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Stormchild

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Re: Assertiveness
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2006, 02:47:28 PM »
Great suggestion Hops - since that board is less active things don't 'fall off' page one quite so quickly as they do here - so are easier to find, a bit longer.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

Certain Hope

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Re: Assertiveness
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2006, 03:02:19 PM »
 :D Stormy   ... on one of my spurts here. So glad you're enjoying the thoughts!

Hops, good thinkin, I think! Never have used the other board, so it never occurred to me ... but I'll keep that in mind for the longer articles. Thanks!

Hope

reallyME

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Re: Assertiveness
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2006, 08:47:25 PM »
Quote
In contrast to these two fundamentally disrespectful positions, assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationship partners. Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them, using any necessary method (including force) to repel the invasion attempt.


This is my heart of hearts aim in life! Very hard for a choleric to master, however...not impossible though.

~Laura