Self Reflection

[Certain Hope]

Hi,

   The ability to reflect on self seems to be a key component of some of the healthy styles I've been reading about lately... learning to be assertive (rather than passive or aggressive), avoiding a defensive posture when differences arise, prioritizing and balancing life's many aspects.

    One article I read says: 

We all know how to reflect, consider . . .

Sitting around a table with friends playing a card game. In between hands, people are talking about what they could have done, should've done, might've done - all of this conversation is simple reflection. And while some people playing the game don't like to "overanalyze it," spending that time in conversation about what just happened will make us better card players in the future.
Or for those in a different generation, the reflection is the time they take between two rounds in a video game as they quickly think about what happened and how they do it differently the next time.
Golfers quickly analyze their swing as they watch the trajectory of their shots, thinking about what worked and what they might adjust.
And we do it at work, thinking about how the meeting or presentation went as we leave and move to the next item on our calendar.
So we know how, and we even do it sometimes, but how can we use this skill more successfully more often?

How to Reflect More Effectively
1) Make time
Reflection is about having time. We all have the time, regardless of how busy are schedules are.

Reflect in the shower.
Reflect on the drive to work (turn off your radio or your iPod and think).
Reflect in the moments before you go to sleep.
Reflect with your family as you eat a meal.
Turn off the television.
There is time - we just have to carve it out.

2) Ask questions
Reflection is about thinking and questions help our brains think. Consider using his list of questions as your "starter set" of reflective questions - the questions to help you think about what happened and what you can learn.
What worked? Why?
What didn't work? Why?
What does this situation remind you of?
How can I use this experience?
How does this experience relate to other situations I've been in? What can I learn for that situation?
Knowing what I know now, what would I do differently next time?


3) Think more broadly
Don't just apply your thinking to how you would do this exact same task or respond in this exact same situation the next time. Our lives are too complex for that! Think about what you can take from this experience and apply to other related or perhaps even unrelated situations. Look for generalizations, patterns, tendencies and underlying principles. When we think more broadly we make our reflection time infinitely more beneficial to our lives.

This is some of my reflection on reflection. As we practice this skill we will get better at it and our results will begin to improve dramatically. Make the time. Ask the questions. And by all means apply what you learned. When you do this, you will make your life experiences your most precious source of learning, and your most fertile ground for your own success.

In another article, I read a cautionary statement which advised that journaling often becomes a tool for self-justification, rather than self-growth. That one caught me a bit off guard, because I like to journal and always thought it a valuable tool... but in reading some of my own ramblings, I can see the need for caution... to remain honest.  So now I'm wondering whether this self-reflection can be done thoroughly without the input of others... without inviting and welcoming others to give us an honest assessment of what they've observed of our behavior. Only trusted others, of course (I think) lest we get sidetracked into a maze of blame shifting, false reflections.

From a spiritual perspective, I'm aware that God tells me in the Bible of the need to examine my own heart. When I ask Him to search me and to reveal those things which He wants me to address, an opportunity to do just that usually springs up immediately (if I'm willing). For anyone interested in pursuing a more Biblically based method of deeper reflection, this website offers a good beginning, I think:   

http://www.explorefaith.org/grid/index.html

Actually, I think this site could be helpful to anyone, but it is offered by an organization that's faith-based. It's called a Collage of Suggestions for Deep Reflection and I really liked the way it's presented.

If anyone has any other thoughts or info re: how to pursue a more self-reflective daily course in life, I hope you'll share it here. So much happens each day (each moment, at times) that it makes sense to me to come up with a more organized method of sorting through the experiences/thoughts/feelings and weeding out the chaff. Maybe a daily reflection-point would help in that effort... to maintain focus and to not get lost in the shuffle.

Hope

[Brigid]

Hope,
I have found self-reflection to be a huge portion of my path to healing and recovery.  For some reason (perhaps it's because I'm a Cancer which is a water sign), if I am in the presence of water (it can even be the shower, but naturally is better, on the beach is best), I almost enter a trance which automatically puts me into a self-reflection mode.  It just happened to me yesterday when I spent the day at the beach.  I would never get anything done if I lived there because as soon as I start looking at and listening to the waves rolling in and out, I stop everything I'm doing and start thinking.

So now I'm wondering whether this self-reflection can be done thoroughly without the input of others... without inviting and welcoming others to give us an honest assessment of what they've observed of our behavior.

I do think this is an important component of the healing process.  For me, it was my therapist and occasionally close friends, but friends aren't always as willing to be tough with you, especially when you have been as injured as I was.  My therapist knew when to be gentle and understanding, but also would challenge me to get me unstuck from unhealthy places and patterns.

I did journal early on when my ex left because he essentially went into hiding and I had no where to let loose my anger and hurt.  It gave me a safe place to express those feelings.  It also was good for me to occasionally go back and read the entries to see how far I had come in my recovery.  I haven't journaled for some time, but would certainly start again if the need was presented.

Brigid

[Stormchild]

Wow.  I can't add a thing, but wanted you to hear me applauding out here...

[Certain Hope]

Brigid,

  I'm thinking that it can seem a risky business, this self-reflection, if past efforts at introspection have left a sense of sole responsibility for the burdens of the world (or at least our little corner of it). Sometimes I think it's an art form for which I am ill equipped... but  I am kinda attached to my bathtub ~  ... so I guess that's a start   

   After feeling extra tired all day today, I am recognizing that I far too readily get caught up in matters which would be better left to lie/mildew/wutevah and I really need to work on balance. Maybe I'd better get to the lake tomorrow and hope for a breeze to make some waves. Feels like all of the the highly sensitive bells, whistles, beepers, and flashing lights are going off all at once... delayed response, I guess    I hope you're having a peaceful evening!  Hugs to you, friend.

And Stormy...     Yer a kewl chic, too!   

Love,
Hope

[ANewSheriff]

Brigid:

I have found self-reflection to be a huge portion of my path to healing and recovery.

I agree, Brigid.  The time I spent pointing fingers was fruitless.  I did not really begin to make progress until I was willing to take some accountability. 

CH:

I'm thinking that it can seem a risky business, this self-reflection, if past efforts at introspection have left a sense of sole responsibility for the burdens of the world (or at least our little corner of it).

Again, I agree.  It is not about beating yourself to death.  It is simply taking a step back, taking as objective look at a scenario as possible, owning your part, and attempting to change the parts that you contribute that are unhealthy or destructive. 

My personal final step with a more troubling situation is to get a reality check from someone I trust and has permission to speak into my life.  I have had to be careful wiht this because some people will rip you to shreds just because they get a thrill out of the power trip.  Others fear retaliation if they tell you something that is not so flattering and that is not helpful either.  But, self-reflection all starts with the individual. 

ANS

ANS

[Certain Hope]

Hi, ANS,

   Yes, accountability, which requires humility, which requires acknowledgement of alot of messy stuff within, which is scary but oh so necessary.

   Thank you for this:   It is not about beating yourself to death

   I can see that self-examination and reflection can lead to endless rounds of self-punishment until a proper level of objectivity is achieved. And you know, I see pride in extreme self-abasement, too, because that makes self the center of the cosmos yet again.
Much of the time I think that what appears to be low self-esteem is actually a hugely inflated ego turned inward upon itself.

   Thanks for the reality check!

Hope