Up a Creek-No paddle!

[Carrie Anne]

I must first say how grateful I am to have found this site.  It has helped me immeasurably to know that my mother's "condition" has a name and I'm not just going crazy.
The situation with her grows more insane with each passing day.  She is a recent widow and has been thrown into a world where she is no longer catered to by anyone since my father died.  Looking back, I feel that she has groomed me my entire life to be the helpful, dutiful daughter...especially when she became old.  That time is here but I have been burned out on her for many years so she is having a hard time keeping me involved in the constant drama of her life.  A huge problem is that I live down the street from her which makes her feel completely entitled to call me for every little trauma, real or imagined. I want to move away with my husband but the problem is I have a daughter who is in college on schlorship and doesn't want to move with us and doesn't want a roomate.  It would mean leaving her here alone(she's 19) and moving 4 states away which breaks my heart.   If I don't, my husband will have to leave alone for his job and I will be stuck in hell with my Nmom.  It's such a quandary.  I love my daughter so much but to stay with her will be the end of me, I'm afraid.  There is no talking with my mother.  She's crazy and would call me constantly to do everything for her when she realizes my husband isn't here to "protect" me.  I have no problem telling her no but she is relentless and continues to test me, almost on a daily basis.  I have worked hard to try and strike a balance, picking and choosing the things I will do for her and keeping them to a minimum but she wears me out with the never ending needs and requests.  There is the issue of inheritence which she has dangled over my head for years.  She has 2 other children who have to deal with her minimally because they don't live nearby.

Does anybody have any advice?
Thanks,
Carrie

[Question for you]

What is the relationship between your daughter and your mother like? Would your mother look to your daughter for N supply and would your daughter take no notice?

[CarrieAnne]

HI QFY

I have been the biggest recipient of my mom's narcissism and have always kept my daughter buffered from Nmom.  Only recently has my mom resorted to calling her and trying to get her involved with some of her problems as well.  I suppose mom is starting to look at my daughter as an adult and not so much a child anymore.  Hence, she may be trying to set her up for Nsupply.  That's no surprise as she is now trying to do it with outsiders....ANYONE, who will give her attention and "help". My daughter is not as close to her as she was when she was small because she has seen the havoc my mom has wreaked on my life so she wisely keeps her distance.  My mother is persistent though and it does worry me how much my daughter may be "hassled".

carrie

[QFY]

I re-read your post and wondered exactly what advice you want. Let's try and clarify! You said:

I want to move away with my husband

Have you made that decision? If so, then the rest is all about what other people are going to do. In the circumstances, you are making the choice for yourself (and your husband) which is perfectly reasonable. Your daughter is an adult and needs to make her own choices too. IF you have made that decision, then now's the time to discuss the impact of that decision on others, particularly your daughter. Mother comes last this time. In her case, if you do practical things for her, can you soften the blow by setting up alternative arrangements? (e.g. help with shopping whatever?). It's your life, not hers. Does this help?

[Anonymous]

Is your husband moving 4 states away no matter what????

[Anonymous]

Hi QFY and guest,

After re-reading my post and noting your questions, I think that I need to get more honest with myself.  My Nmom is just part of the problem, sort of like the icing on a really crappy cake.  My husband and I built a house on an acre of land my parents gave us(boy, what a set-up..I didn't see it coming) out in the country years ago.  My husbands job demands that he travel which is what he did alone until my daughter turned 18 and I began to travel with him.  My daughter's best friend was her roomate and they stayed here at our home while we traveled.  We have kept this house as a home base because the assigments my husband is sent on range from long to short term but never a permanent move.  This past May, he was laid off, much to our sorrow as I was back around crazy mom again.  Daughter's roomate wanted to return home  so we were all back in our home.  My husband has been rehired(with huge salary increase and expenses paid) but must travel furthur away than ever.  We need this job with it's benefits as there is no opportunity in this rural area where we have our house.  He feels he has no choice but to take this job.  I would love to go and escape but the truth is, I am afraid to leave my daughter completely alone this time and be so far away.  When my father was alive, he was always here to help if she needed it but now he is gone.  So, I see that my biggest problem is one that's not relevant to this board and my apologies for not bringing that out in my post.  Of course, my Nmom is and will be a major thorn in my side if I decide to stay so I don't know how I will keep my sanity.  And there's the problem of my husband and I having a long distance marriage which is extremely difficult.  He wants me to go with him and feels that our daughter can take care of herself but he realizes also the danger and we're both not completely comfortable with it.  We have waited so long to get some freedom from my mother and I still feel like I can't leave with a good conscience.  Like my mom told me.."you're stuck!"
Thanks for your replies.  QFY..your post did help me.  If I should decide to move, your suggestions are very good and I will take them into consideration.
Carrie

[Carrie Anne]

Oops,,,forgot to log in my name in the above post.

Carrie

[Anonymous]

Carrie,

Thanks for clarifying. Here's my feedback. Your marriage comes first. Your daughter is old enough to live at a distance. Many, if not most, 19 year olds are in college away from home. When I was 19, I lived at college and not with my parents. I was extremely immature at the time yet I was able to do it. In fact, it was good for me. You may want to look at the deeper reasons you are unwilling to leave your mother and daughter. Your daughter needs to separate at some point. This may be it.

bunny

[rosencrantz]

Absolutely, totally!  Go with your husband and live your marriage at long last.  Child wants and needs independence (and if you don't 'give' it now, she'll be taking it for herself sooner or later).

Mother is a grown up and if YOU know how to look after yourself, then you know that grown ups can look after themselves - even narcissistic mothers!!!

There may be problems but you can find solutions, however imperfect.

Remember that narcissistic parents are addictive and we children end up pretty masochistic.  Challenge : are you staying because you are co-dependent and/or afraid to test out full-time marriage???

You're bright and you deserve a life!  Go get!!  
R