Supporting a friend from a position of weakness

[pennyplant]

I think I've gotten myself into a situation and I'm not sure what will make it better rather than worse.  Light of Heart is one of the members here who has extended friendship and support to me.  Yet, when she needed the same recently, I stayed quiet.  I know why I did that.  What I don't know is if my explanation will ruin the apology.  Since I believe that knowing what contributes to a problem is useful and gives people a chance to learn and grow, I will offer some explanation and hope that the apology will still be a "good" one.

I will start with the first reason I've been quiet lately.  It actually is not caused by anything happening or not happening with the board.  All summer I've been working about 45 to 55 hours per week.  Physical work.  Long days with a long break in the middle, during which I often sleep.  This is about twice as much as I had been working previously.  I'm just tired and not thinking clearly sometimes.  Depressed also.  People at work have noticed it.

The next reason is related both to work and this place, or rather the reason I'm here to begin with.  I have put myself into contact with the person who hurt me in such a way that I thought to reseach N and then found this board.  I have known this person for five years through work.  Two years ago it became something else.  At that time I thought it became a "fling" which I did want.  (I do have a lot of stuff to work out still with my past and my hurts and I did believe it would be okay to pursue something like that.)  I was very flattered to receive what I thought was real attraction and affection.  I thought it was a real and mutual connection.

In allowing myself to work with him again, in his office where he is comfortable and well-liked, I have gotten to see just what kind of "connection" I have/had with him.  I see now that I was just a new source of supply.  How that hurts.  I know that you all know this kind of pain.  But this is a new realization to me.  I have never understood this before in quite this way.  I'm just now beginning to understand how this kind of unravels my previous understanding of my life up to now.  I sometimes think it is going to take as long to understand as it took me to get here.  Forty five years.  I don't know whether to be grateful to have finally figured it out, or very angry at having so much of my life wasted.  Mostly I'm incredibly sad right now.  I have rarely allowed sadness before now.  I always had anger, or a love interest, or obligations to distract me.  All that is pretty much gone now.  I'm just left with this sadness.  It's making me very self-centered and lethargic.

And lastly, the most immediate reason I didn't offer support to Light of Heart (and also to the other quiet voices here) is because putting myself in the line of fire finally seems harmful to me.   I have put myself in the line of fire my whole life for many reasons that I still don't understand.  I have known that saying certain things and doing certain things would bring on abuse and criticism.  Would turn me into a target.  But saying it or doing it anyway.  I guess it was an M.O. that I was so comfortable with that I couldn't let go of it.  I mean I've probably been doing it since I was a toddler.  So, I suppose I've been dealing with immature and abusive people the way a toddler does.  Unreasonable.  Repetitive.  Emotional.  But I'm 45 now.  I'm worn out enough to see that it is not working anymore.  It never did work.  I just don't know yet what to replace it with.

I don't know what comes next as far as how do things.  I would say I'm not a very good friend yet.  That is so true that you have to love yourself first.  And I do not love myself.  This is not some cry for help or sympathy.  It is a fact.

I read an interview this week in the Sun.  Her name escapes me at the moment.  She said in order to love yourself you have to have been loved by someone else first.  I'm guessing that this someone else would be your parents.  And/or God.  Perhaps God loving you through your parents.  That very first day and every day of your childhood.  Well, I didn't have that.  I know I'm not the only one.  But it is still a very lonely existance.  And it is a fact in my lfe.

I don't love myself.  I'm not a good friend.  Yet.     

So, this is my position of weakness from which I am offering support to Light of Heart and Hops and Moon (these are the specific names I remember at 5:30 in the morning--people who I remember specifically said they feel hurt or need a break or might even leave).

Personally, I believe that these three, and others, are very strong people who don't have to have my support in order to go on in life or to go on with this board.  Nobody has said they specifically require my support.  But they have it.  Such as it is.

And in spite of this apology following a long, self-centered explanation, I will say it anyway.  I am sorry, Light of Heart, that I was not a good friend.  I hope to become a better one.  I guess I have a lot of work to do.

Pennyplant

[mountainspring]

(((((Pennyplant))))) 

(((((Hops, LOH, Moon)))))

[reallyME]

Pennyplant, your post really touched me and inspired me to comment.

In allowing myself to work with him again, in his office where he is comfortable and well-liked, I have gotten to see just what kind of "connection" I have/had with him.  I see now that I was just a new source of supply.  How that hurts.  I know that you all know this kind of pain.

Yes, I have.  It feels so weird to see that you are merely a replaceable object.  I think what helped me a little, but also saddened me, was that the next person Jodi chose to be the Supply Source, was also merely an object to be replaced when she failed to produce for Jodi.  It did hurt at first, until I saw that it was about a cycle formed in Jodi's childhood, and it was not about me or who I was, or that I wasn't a good enough friend/mentoree.  It was about HER.


 

But this is a new realization to me.  I have never understood this before in quite this way.  I'm just now beginning to understand how this kind of unravels my previous understanding of my life up to now.  I sometimes think it is going to take as long to understand as it took me to get here.  Forty five years. 

No I don't believe it will take you long to understand.  Just realize that you can't understand something that, in itself has NO EXPLANATION.  These people were made crazy by the way they were raised, to not speak up, or to be the PERFECT CHILD, to "make mother proud" all the time, to keep the family secrets.  If you are able to keep that in mind, you will overcome this.  Separate yourself from their issue and let THEM own it.

I don't know whether to be grateful to have finally figured it out, or very angry at having so much of my life wasted.  Mostly I'm incredibly sad right now.  I have rarely allowed sadness before now.  I always had anger, or a love interest, or obligations to distract me.  All that is pretty much gone now.  I'm just left with this sadness.  It's making me very self-centered and lethargic.

I believe you are in a very good place right now.  It is ok to feel grateful you figured it out...this is a step to definite healing for you.  Wasted life?  No.  I'd like to suggest that you see this as a learning experience, that one day, you will use to help others who are still stuck in the cycle with the N.  Sadness...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh A GOOD, IMPORTANT EMOTION.  Anger is the one most resort to first, because it's so powerful and easy to come by.  Sadness means you are really starting to FEEL, and that is GOOD!  Let yourself mourn a while.  Be teary-eyed when you think about how much you loved this person, but that they may never be able to love you in return...that is called REALITY.  You are now losing the illusions and truly LIVING life.  I commend you for that.

Self-centered?  I see this, but in a GOOD way.  You are now coming OUT of DEPENDENCY on another human being to meet your needs and fill the voids in your lack of self-worth.  You are now being able to realize that YOU are a SEPARATE, IMPORTANT, VALUABLE individual, who has been VIOLATED by an unhealthy person.

Lethargic?  Not sure what you mean by this, but if you mean sort of in a daze, that is a normal feeling after going through what you have.

Take heart, be encouraged.  You ARE on the RIGHT, GOOD PATH

~Laura

[pennyplant]

Thank you (((MS))).

PP

[pennyplant]

Laura,

Thank you for these insights and suggestions.  I appreciate it so much.  You have learned a lot about this subject because of Jodi and your experience is very helpful to me, especially now that I am finally ready to let go of what happened.  Each time I read your reply, a little more sinks in.  Probably because I am more open now.

My father always used to say that nothing was wasted if a lesson was learned from it.  Now an echo of that in your post.  Sometimes it takes me a few tries to understand something!

Thank you, Laura.

Love, Pennyplant

[Brigid]

PP,
I would agree with what Laura has told you.  All the signs you exhibit now are really positive and a giant step toward healing.  I have felt everything you are feeling (still do sometimes).  I also distracted myself with work, marriage (twice), children and then BAM.  I was forced to take stock of my life and figure out why I was where I was and why I felt the way I did.

There is a lot of sadness and lonliness while you work through the pain.  But it is necessary to the process.  If you continue to find distractions to avoid the pain, you will also avoid the opportunity to heal.  The ultimate goal of loving yourself is so worthwhile, and when you get there (and I'm sure you will)  the pain and sadness will fade rather quickly and be replaced with such gratitude for having reached that place.

I'm sorry for the low point you have found yourself in, but you can only go up from here.  I was nearly 10 years older than you when it happened for me, but I have stopped worrying about the years I lost and only concentrate on the many, hopefully good years I have in front of me.  Don't be too hard on yourself for not being a good friend.  Sometimes we just aren't in a place personally where the needs of our friends can outweigh our own.  Work on yourself for awhile.  Any friend who is a good friend will support you and be waiting and cheering you on.

Hugs,

Brigid

[pennyplant]

Dear Brigid,

Thank you for giving me some perspective.  I do have to stop worrying about what is gone.  What we have in front of us is what we can do something about.

The past few weeks I have been letting myself feel what I feel.  It is very, very hard sometimes.  I'm beginning to understand what many of you have gone through to get where you are now.  It is not for the faint of heart.  One of the things that has helped it somewhat is that since I'm "allowing" all of my emotions to come to the surface and just exist, sometimes one of those emotions turns out to be happiness.  I have felt it several times recently.  Almost like it is a little creature testing out the sunlight for a bit.  In fact, I felt so good at times I wanted to come right here and start a thread and share my good news.  But by the end of the day, when I was tired, or something had happened to set me back, then the feeling had gone into hiding again.  So, I sat on it and waited for the next time.

Any friend who is a good friend will support you and be waiting and cheering you on.

And thanks for this about good friends.  I'm thinking that is already happening.

Thanks (((Brigid)))

Pennyplant

[Stormchild]

pennyplant -

You are not the only light there is, for yourself, my friend,

you are a light for all of us... and your kind heart shines like the morning sun.

((((((((((PP))))))))))

[pennyplant]

Ah, Stormy, you remembered my favorite song!!

Thank you (((Stormy)))

I keep feeling better today.  It seems like I will be able to do this thing, this life of mine.

Pennyplant

[reallyME]

Pennyplant:

One of the things that has helped it somewhat is that since I'm "allowing" all of my emotions to come to the surface and just exist, sometimes one of those emotions turns out to be happiness.

THIS IS EXCELLENT!  Let yourself just FEEL and just BE!  yes yes YES!  You are doing very well   I commend ya!

~Laura

[gratitude28]

Love you, Penny. This was an amazing post. I can feel the rawness of it and I hope it relieved some of your internal hurt.
You can learn to like and even love yourself. Try to see yourself as we see you.
Thank you so much for being honest when it must have been so hard to do so.
Love, Beth

[Anansi]

Hi Pennyplant,

Realizing the lies of the first half of life is unbelievable isn't it?  It's mind boggling and numbing to discover the things that are now being discovered, isn't it?  For what it may be of worth, I hear ya and I extend my presence as you embark on the journey of the second half of life. 

Anansi

[pennyplant]

Laura,

It's strange to realize that just now I'm feeling my emotions more than I did before, or more kinds of emotions.  I've always thought of myself as very emotional.  But now I believe I felt that way because I was trying so hard to control and suppress most emotions and it was such hard work.  Anger often made me need to cry at the worst possible times.  Then I'd feel embarrassed.  Actually letting all of them flow is quite different, though, from what I was doing before.

Thanks for the "cheers".  It feels good to have support  .


Beth,

It's good that you're back!  Posting this did relieve me tremendously.  It had been turning around in me for at least a couple of weeks.  The thing is that I did not have the words for it, or the "story line", until the moment when I decided to start the thread and came up with the subject.  I must thank Moon for being the inspiration for it.  She said just the right thing at the right time and it tapped into what was going on in me.  It seems that once it was tapped into I knew what I wanted to say.  It had been hard leading up to this past weekend.  Seemed like the hurt was piling up and I was unable to chip away at it.  I have so much to think about now.  But it is more problem solving now.  And I feel more honest now.  Part of why I wasn't able to talk about it--I was feeling some shame and also knew I still felt "weak" about what I was willing to be responsible for.


Anansi,

Thank you also for your presence at this time.  The first half of my life didn't really make sense to me even at the time, but I filled in what I didn't understand, mostly by taking the blame and assuming that everything was my fault or my responsibility.  Well, I suppose I was raised to believe that.  After a couple days now, it seems like maybe these new discoveries and understandings might lead to me finally being able to stop taking every single thing that happens personally.  I may finally learn to be responsible only for my own part.  Challenging all on its own I suppose.  Before when I thought everything was my fault or because of my failings, it seemed unfair so I kind of built in a little escape clause.  Owning my part--well, I can't really say "no fair" anymore.  That might bother me quite a bit.  We shall see.  Time to be a pioneer again, but this time I think I have a map!


Thanks (((((Laura, Beth, Anansi)))))

PP