Well I got my answer. Didn't even take a week.
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: Re: Hi
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 14:14:51 -0500
XXXXX,
This may be the hardest thing for me to say or write to you but you
deserve
to know. First, I would like to say that what we've had the last 6/7
months
was very very special to me and it helped me to understand things about
myself. Last couple of days was very hard for me and I am sure for you
too.
For myself, I was feeling conflicted, sad, pain, and to have to make a
decision so that all of us can move on is probably the hardest thing I
have
to do. You anticipated that it would take long time to decide and so do
I
but for something as painful as this it has to be done quickly. I just
can't live through it.
Well what you're dying to know is what's the verdict, I have spent time
with
Ken and talking and crying infact, I tried to tell him that I have to move
on yesterday, I cried so much, I was in so much pain, felt that the inside
of me ripped apart the thought of not having him in my life and not sure
if
I could ever move on properly. One thing I know for sure is that my love
for him has not changed despite what happened. We both have come to the
conclusion that we've learned somethings and with this we can try. If you
can understand where I am coming from, I have been with this man for 5 and
half years, we've been through so much together, he is my friend and
family,
and I love him for so many reasons. This is why I have to give it a try just the
same way you feel about me. I understand now why you don't want to give
up
the idea that you and I could have something given the chance and if there
is an opportunity we have to seize it. I believe that Ken and I deserve
the
chance to explore this. I don't care anymore about my fears that it's not
going to work because we have now gain some understanding of what we have
to
try to do to make things different. I want to give a 100% to this and you
know what I am gambling and taking the risk, at the end of the day, I am
willing to accept the outcome, good or bad but I have to fight for
something
that is very important to me and my existence.
I care about you and respect you a great deal. We've shared such special
special time together that I would never forget and the amount of sadness
that I am feeling now because I cannot give you what you need and I cannot
get from you what I need. Remember you said hope is what gets you going,
well my hope is to be with XXXX and make things work. I don't want to be
scared about life and commitment, I want to step up and put in 100% and
more, and until I do that then I can resign to accepting what consequences
I
have to face and I know it was worth all my effort and this is what life
is
about, we fight so hard all the time for what we want, even the simple
happiness.
I know the truth is not what you want to hear but because I have a great
deal of respect for you and that have we always been very truthful and
honest to one another, I want you to hear what it is in my heart and head
so
that you can move on. I just want to end the suffering for everyone
including myself. I hate feeling the guilt, sadness, emptiness,
unfulfilled
and life without purpose. So many time I just want to die and disappear
because the pain was so unbearable, I need and I will try to get help to
me
deal with what's going on inside me. Even If what it takes to take away
these emotions that eat me away by giving Ken and I one more chance then I
have to do it.
I hope you understand and support my decision by letting me go in your
heart. I don't know XXXXX if it is a realistic thing, but I sincerely
hope that you and I can look at each other after this and accept it.
XOX H
_________________________________________________________
I am not sadden because she is going back to him. I am sadden cause she's gonna get hurt again.
