Letting go, holding on...

[WRITE]

Well after my entirely peaceful beautiful week my ex's return has been a roller-coaster as predicted. I had a horrible panic attack on the way to the airport, I was dreading his behaviour on return. It's a pattern and I know it well now.

He has accepted the divorce situation and is going to work with me, but I had to tune out a lot tonight about what a selfish thoughtless person I am and all the pain I have caused him!

But I stayed pretty calm and assertive. I am not letting go of my newfound health and peace for anything.

His aggression was really scary earlier, some teenagers' dog attacked mine and he was so furious, but I know he was just looking for an excuse to rage and curse. I told him later that I am afraid every time he behaves like that that he will hit me, he was really shocked, and apologised. I said yes, but you always rage again.

The hardest was when he said I have only ever been interested in his money, and I got a bit angry and said did he think I would have hung around through all the crap and totally unsatisfactory marriage if I didn't care about him. Honestly if you knew me, I am the least materialistic person...

I also told him it's time he realised only he can change things and he keeps going around the same cycle and never learns anything. He was dismissing my religion, I said 'humility is a really useful gift'.

Hopefully he'll go back to anti-depressants, he does seem depressed.

I care about him, but I told him I have to prioritise my own wellbeing.

I feel like I just did some heavyweght boxing, so I'm going to go read something gentle, drink some Camomile tea and head to bed for some blessed Sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care

Hope everyone is okay.

[gratitude28]

It sounds like your ex is just throwing insults blindly, hoping something will affect you... He must know you are not interested only in his money... I am guessing he just couldn't come up with anything else on the spot. Amazing what crap they will try if nothing else is working, eh? Take care of yourself. Peaceful dreams... and a hot bath sounds lovely...
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

  As accustomed to the scenes as we might grow, it is never acceptable. I am so sorry you had to endure that. His level of aggression frightens me ... for you. The emotional anguish of being in his presence frightens me even more... for you. I heard the whole routine about the money, too. There was no money, but I was using him. Write... I do not believe that he will work with you. I'm sorry, I simply do not believe it. N never "works with" anyone. Not ever. It's not in him to do so. He cannot have what you will not give him. I pray that you will not place your hope in him for this.

Love,
Hope

[WRITE]

I pray that you will not place your hope in him for this.

do not worry Certain Hope, I am pretty strong now all will be well, and all will be well and all manner of things will be well...
Thank you for thinking of me, you too gratitude.

I've been living with this for 25 years, there isn't much substance behind all the bluster and fear techniques. But it's such a burden having to deal with him, never any sustainable peace. Least of all for him- my life continues to grow and he's still a baby ( I think I told him that too yesterday...)

It is amazing how someone will return over and over to a pattern even when it does nothing for them but alienate people.

He can do his worst, I don't care. I told him I'm his only close friend here and is he going to continue until I won't talk to him any more?

I wrote about it just to let it go from me, and to demonstrate the utter predictability of Nism, the lack of change. His behaviour won't change anything in me, except I'll engage a lawyer if he gets aggressive with me and I'll stop seeing him altogether if he won't respect my boundaries of behaviour.

He keeps talking about living overseas, I told him last night maybe that's the best thing for everyone, he's no use to his family causing all this disruption all the time.

He says I am a hypocrite etc because look what happened when I fell apart, I replied that I was really sick, got help, changed tons of things and moved on...not went around and around a cycle of acting out and blaming others and choosing not to change...

( I am not sure how fair the last statement is, if he can change, but he can to some extent, take his a/d s, go to therapy, rrein in the aggression? )

Anyway, I slept well all night. Let's see what today brings....

[moonlight52]

write I believe you have found your strength ...................

hugs

moon

[Jona22]

Write

There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with an angry/aggressive N.

You are strong and you will get through this.  One day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.  You will come out on the otherside and life will be good.

It has been many, many years since my divorce.  At the time, I didn't know anything about NPD.  My husband threw every trick he could think of at me.  It took me a long time to recover and I think the reason was that I had absolutely no support from anyone.  The help and support from the people on this board would have been wonderful to have had.

I am sitting here wishing I could send you some more strength all wrapped up in a package.  But all I can do is tell you that you will make it through one day at a time and the future will be bright.

[penelope]

is he going to continue until I won't talk to him any more?

eek, sounds awful write, what is your plan?  At what point will you say Enough.

It is amazing how someone will return over and over to a pattern even when it does nothing for them but alienate people.

He doesn't see the sense in this.  no.  He is "happy" to alienate people right now.  Does this make you sad?

His behaviour won't change anything in me, except I'll engage a lawyer if he gets aggressive with me and I'll stop seeing him altogether if he won't respect my boundaries of behaviour.

Write - I am saying this gently and with concern for your well-being- you need to hold to this promise.  Cause with an N, making empty promises is like candy, when we do not fulfill them, but keep going back for more, they salivate..

He says I am a hypocrite etc because look what happened when I fell apart...

ick.  That was a low blow write.  You've told us what you replied, but how did this make you feel?  blah!  I can imagine...

I am not sure how fair the last statement is, if he can change, but he can to some extent, take his a/d s, go to therapy, rrein in the aggression?

Not fair at all write, it is simply not fair that you have to put up with this.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((write))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[reallyME]

Penelope, this is my opinion, but you really need to go to college to become a counselor of some type!  you have a way with words that really is helpful in the healing from N's process.

[penelope]

RM- 

write - I'm kinda embarrassed about one thing: I said "you need to..."  Cancel that.  replace with "do you think you should stick to this promise?"   blah, I noticed that after I wrote it.  It sounded kind of demanding the other way, sorry write.

pb

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

  I always find myself thinking of you and second guessing my own responses after replying to one of your posts. I'm not sure what's up with that, but I think it's a very good thing! You mentioned in another thread today, I think, something about people often telling you how you can't trust your ex and that you should stick up for yourself and engage him in conflict. I just wanted to say that when I expressed concern that you can't count on him to "work with" you, I never ever intended to imply that you should engage him in anything... conflict or otherwise. My concern flowed from memory ... of a time when I still considered it possible that my ex may actually have a shred of decency and recognize, at some level, how much he had hurt and used me, and willingly set me free.
So I thought I should clarify... what I meant was, I hope that your dreams, your setting of goals, and your plans will not have a space in them for him to affect the outcome, regardless of what he chooses to do. Thanks for listening... it helps to learn to communicate better if I can go back and clean up my own thoughts a bit.

Love,
Hope