new to board and hope I'm in the right place

[Certain Hope]

Hi again, Eyes,

It sounds like in a way, he's offered you an opportunity to live a sort of dual existence yourself... always going to his place, being someone different when you're with him. That's how it was for me, in many ways. N did bring out some positive portions of me that I'd never "actualized" before. The problem was, he had me deluded into thinking I couldn't have those qualities without him, as though he'd given them to me. The truth is, they were there in me all along and had nothing to do with him, except to the extent that he reflected them back to me. I just wanted to say that it's ok to acknowledge all of those parts of yourself together in one place, you, and not have them split into two or more frames of reference. I mean, you are still completely you wherever you are, no matter who else is involved or with whom you're relating. Not sure this is making any sense, but I think it will become more clear to you through your counseling and then maybe you can explain it to me    hehe  Not always so simple to verbalize. Anyhow, wishing you the best! You are going to come through this well and whole, I am confident.

Love,
Hope

P.S.  BONES !!  How's it going?? Last I heard, you'd just finished 3 big papers and were taking a break... what's new?
Love, Hope

[DreamSinger]

Hi eyesopened!  Just want to welcome you to the board. I have to run back to work, and haven't had time to read through all the posts on this thread, but wanted to say hello. Talk to you later, and congratulations on allowing yourself to receive the support you need.

Blessings,
Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

[Bones]

Hi again, Eyes,

It sounds like in a way, he's offered you an opportunity to live a sort of dual existence yourself... always going to his place, being someone different when you're with him. That's how it was for me, in many ways. N did bring out some positive portions of me that I'd never "actualized" before. The problem was, he had me deluded into thinking I couldn't have those qualities without him, as though he'd given them to me. The truth is, they were there in me all along and had nothing to do with him, except to the extent that he reflected them back to me. I just wanted to say that it's ok to acknowledge all of those parts of yourself together in one place, you, and not have them split into two or more frames of reference. I mean, you are still completely you wherever you are, no matter who else is involved or with whom you're relating. Not sure this is making any sense, but I think it will become more clear to you through your counseling and then maybe you can explain it to me    hehe  Not always so simple to verbalize. Anyhow, wishing you the best! You are going to come through this well and whole, I am confident.

Love,
Hope

P.S.  BONES !!  How's it going?? Last I heard, you'd just finished 3 big papers and were taking a break... what's new?
Love, Hope

I'm still working on the three papers.  I'll be so glad when I pass this course.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Bones,

   Sorry about that... I was thinkin you were done and on break about now. Soon, I hope!

  Our children go back to school on Monday, so we'll all be in homework mode soon enough... especially with daughter (10th grade) taking chemistry and plane geometry. I can hardly wait      Hope you have a wonderful and peaceful weekend, Bones.

With love,
Hope

[Bones]

Hi, Bones,

   Sorry about that... I was thinkin you were done and on break about now. Soon, I hope!

  Our children go back to school on Monday, so we'll all be in homework mode soon enough... especially with daughter (10th grade) taking chemistry and plane geometry. I can hardly wait      Hope you have a wonderful and peaceful weekend, Bones.

With love,
Hope

Thanks, Hope!

I can't wait to pass this course!!!!

Bones

[DreamSinger]

Why are you staying? Do you not want to have to tell people that you "broke up." You know, you don't have to tell them anything... just say it wasn't working out. That is the truth and no one else needs any details. Then you can work on yourself.
Take care eyes.
Love, Beth

Hey Eyes Opened,

Actually, since everyone seems to know what a jerk he is and have been telling you to run for the hills, I'd be tempted to hire a plane to drag a sign across the sky saying "I finally did it!!!" And then throw myself a party.

I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I know what it's like to be with someone who puts a controlling damper on what you can discuss and feel, and it is one of the most oppressive situations to be in. If I wasn't cheerful enough, (after seeing other women behind my back and leaving me), then he wasn't going to grace me with his occasional visits anymore. If I was too happy, because he actually spent a special time with me, then whoa!  Better back off there, girl. Your happiness is a kind of heavy thing to carry.

So I started to edit what I was feeling, careful to not be too down when he was around or too up. It's not a matter of just watching what you say or keeping an eye on your emotions. You start to numb yourself out. You deaden all your emotions...and not just around his company. You can't just pick and choose...okay, I'll feel with depth here and I'll be numb here. This numbing out will creep into every other aspect of your life, until there's nothing left of you.

If you can't have your thoughts, if you can't have your feelings, what do you have?

Your thoughts and feelings are you. He's not censoring topics of conversation. He's censoring your humanness.

Oh, and by the way...he's no Jack. Jack would have wanted Rose to do just what she did, because he loved her and wanted the best for her with or without him. He encouraged her to live, to be true to her authentic passions. Does this sound like your guy?

And, please, don't feel ashamed you "got yourself into this". Many very smart, kind and sensitive people have found themselves in some of the most abusive relationships with narcissistic people. They don't target shallow, stupid, unfeeling people. That would be like hanging out with themselves. They need good people to make themselves feel better by association, and so they can have a high starting point from which to tear you down. Now, that would be an accomplishment and verification that they are superior, after all.




Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

[moonlight52]

Hello AND Big Welcome to Dream and,Eyes and Bones,

I HAD SURGERY AND WAS ON SOME PAIN PILLS THAT HAD ME FLYIN.................................

So now that I have landed a big warm welcome.....................


LOVE TO ALL 

MoonLight

[pennyplant]

And, please, don't feel ashamed you "got yourself into this". Many very smart, kind and sensitive people have found themselves in some of the most abusive relationships with narcissistic people. They don't target shallow, stupid, unfeeling people. That would be like hanging out with themselves. They need good people to make themselves feel better by association, and so they can have a high starting point from which to tear you down. Now, that would be an accomplishment and verification that they are superior, after all.

I love that--it would be like hanging out with themselves  !

I have noticed that Ns very much dislike anybody who reminds them too much of themselves.  Probably most of us dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves.  Ns are probably no different in this.  When I think of the people I work with who seem to have serious character flaws and then realized those are the very people my N friend seems almost repulsed by--that seems telling to me.

They also tear down those who are talented enough to be a "threat".  They cannot handle direct competition.  An N I worked for targeted any direct competition and would make the work day miserable enough for that person to cause them to leave.  Time and time again that happened.  There could be no threats to her "empire".

PP

[Bones]

Hello AND Big Welcome to Dream and,Eyes and Bones,

I HAD SURGERY AND WAS ON SOME PAIN PILLS THAT HAD ME FLYIN.................................

So now that I have landed a big warm welcome.....................


LOVE TO ALL 

MoonLight

Thanks, Moon!

Bones