Jealousy/Envy

[gratitude28]

OK, I have a big question... is there a "normal amount" of jealousy or envy? For the most part in my life, I don't want more than what I have, and I am more than content with what I have been given. I say prayers of gratitude every day for what I have. And I realize that in many areas, I have more than what others have. I am truly blessed...

So, why am I writing this? Well, I am suffering from a bit of jealousy now. It's because I have this little art show going on... My paintings are nice. Sometimes I look at them and I am surprised that I painted them. But they are still part of me... Does that make sense? You know, like even if you are a really good cook, the stuff you make doesn't taste as good to you as it does to others...

So... at the same time as my show is going on, a girl who lives here opened another show at a cafe and, I think it is wayyyyyyy cooler than mine. She is a diver and takes underwater photographs and has them on display. I used to dive and miss it a lot. My husband decided he doesn't like it and I just plain haven't found the time and energy to go back to it. I used to take photographs too. Some good, most just OK. And obviously, to do what she is doing, I would need to be diving all the time and travelling to dive, as she does.

So here I am, plain old me who paints in the house when I can clear off the kitchen table... when I want to be in the wetsuit diving int he Red Sea. And I know in my heart it would be the same as painting for me... you just get lost in it, but...

So, is a little jealousy OK???? What's wrong with me???????

[Stormchild]

You're human, dear.

We're all finite, at least here and now; there are only so many things we can do, some things just aren't possible to us, and some choices we can make mean other choices cannot be made.... there's always, always that old 'what if?' to keep us less than content.

The question isn't - do you feel a little jealous sometimes when you run across someone who seems to have something you wish you had.

The question is, how do you handle it? Are you mean to them? Snide? Do you hide in the shadows and snipe at them every chance you get, or pounce on any seemingly vulnerable point? Do you gather up some girlfriends and have a putdown party? Do you gush all over them to try to hide your feelings from yourself as well as them? [on edit:] Or do you launch a campaign to discredit them, disparage their work, and keep them from succeeding? These are the things corrosive envy does.

Or do you say, 'dang, girl, I sure envy you, I'd give my eye teeth to do what you've done here,' and grin, and then discover that the one thing she wishes she could do, and never has been able to do to save her soul, is... bake, or write, or... paint - in exactly your medium on exactly your subjects... [on edit:] this is what honest self-acceptance does... it's about facing the things you feel, and letting them be feelings instead of imperatives...

Knowing you, Beth, I'm sure your reaction is in 'dang, girl' country. I do wish we could see your paintings here.

Me, I can't draw to save my life. I have beautiful pictures trapped in my head, and there is where they stay, unless I can paint them with words. The ability to paint for real - to put those pictures on paper, line for line as they are in the mind's eye or the landscape before you - that, I envy.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Beth,

   I'd say there's a normal amount of healthy jealousy when it comes to... for instance... a spouse protecting his/her marriage from assault by an... umm... interloping kinda 3rd party. Or maybe it's even a sort of jealousy that motivates a person to healthy competition in improving his skill at his job or hobby, without resenting someone who might be better at that particular task. But you don't sound jealous to me, Beth... not really. I think maybe what's going on with you now is a perfectly understandable tension because you have all the added duties and responsibilities of caring for your children alone for a season. I know that when I'm feeling overwhelmed, my mind can wander all over the place to areas of (imagined) regrets and doubts... usually if I'm extra tired or lonely.
When I was alone with 4 children, I'd sometimes feel envious toward folks who were free to come and go as they pleased and do what seemed to be all sorts of neat stuff.... especially travel. But you know, you have one of the most important, challenging, meaninful, and artistic "jobs" of all in being a mom    All the underwater diving and photo snapping in the world can't measure up to the product of your work. And you even find time to clear off that table on occasion and create some more material works of art    I think you're amazing. Keep up the wonderful work!

Love, Hope

[gratitude28]

You guys made me cry... You are so right, Hope. A lot of what I am feeling is weird emotions from being so tired. Lately I get weepy over coffee commercials, ya know what I mean????

Storm, no, I don't want to have a putdown party, but, to add to it, she is beautiful!!! They had her picture in the paper. I guess I am feeling a bit down in that department... ageing (sp), being alone... all that. And I know her husband from work, and he is one of the extrememly few people I have found to not be kind and pleasant to deal with. So I have this feeling of, "He must look at me and think I am nothing compared to his beautiful, well-known wife." Like I care? I thought he was rude and full of himself when he was here... and like I said, 99.9% of the people who walk through this door are thoughtful and grateful for the help we give them.

Maybe that's my problem with it all. Again, it comes back to a person amking me feel small or insignificant in some way?????
Sorry to bore you all with this, but I am trying to pin down why it has been bugging me so much.

As always, thanks for the useful and encouraging words.

Love, Beth

[WRITE]

is a little jealousy OK???? What's wrong with me???????

I don't know.
Usually if I am jealous it's something unresolved in me.

Seeing my new friend being hit on byt that pretty girl didn't make me jealous then, but I've had several dreams about it since which left me really jealous, I figure not because I think he's out running around with her but that things are unresolved with he and I plus my confidence is a bit dented right now.

here I am, plain old me who paints in the house when I can clear off the kitchen table... when I want to be in the wetsuit diving int he Red Sea.

maybe it's not really the painting you are jealous of but what it represents to you: to do what she is doing, I would need to be diving all the time and travelling to dive, as she does.

We can't live two lives simultaneously but sometimes the one we've chosen doesn't seem as glamorous or rewardign as the one we might have?

Maybe you just need to do something for yourself a little out of the ordinary to compensate- a diving trip isn't the only way to feel excited or to inspire your work.

[Stormchild]

oh beth,

simpler explanation for hubby's rudeness: he is a jerk.

and having a total jerk for a husband is far too high a price to pay for a diving hobby!!!!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth,

  I think it's always a mistake when we get into comparing ourselves with others. For one thing, don't lose sight of the fact that you are unique in every way and there are things you can do that no one else can... like be your children's mom and your husband's wife. You are the very best at being you, unless you get all caught up in trying to be somebody else whose life you really wouldn't want anyway, if you could have it. Yanno?? Nobody has it perfect... there's all kinds of messy stuff beneath the surface of the prettiest looking lives that no one else can see. And yes, I know what you mean about tearing up at coffee commercials.
(((((((((Beth)))))))))  Just be you. Nobody can do that any better.

Love,
Hope

[gratitude28]

Thanks for all the input. I took the self-esteem test, TT and it said what I think... that I need to work on some stuff to make myself happier, but, for the most part, I am ok with myself. You all know how it is... one day you look in the mirror and see Cindy Crawford looking back and the next day it's Porky Pig (actually, he's cuter than I feel on those days).
I can't imagine what even made me feel that way today... But I think it ended up bringing out a bunch of good points.
Honestly, I wouldn't want my life any other way. I adore my kids. I would like to have a bit more time to spend with them lately... we have all been running different directions. Henry makes me laugh every day. It's so funny to see his squishy face stuck to the floor with drool and hear him snoring at night. The kids gave him a bath today. They also bathed the guinea pigs. Ha ha. Poor things.
I guess I'll just have to do some extra diving in my next life. That's when I'm going to look like Gwen Stefani or Angelina Jolie too. And I'm going to get tattoos. And ride a motorcycle.
Love you all.
Beth

[WRITE]

I'm going to get tattoos. And ride a motorcycle.

I usually just go to the library and pick up a racy book, or have whipped cream with my decaf. coffee 

One thing I meant to say earlier- I bought this easel today, it was less than $70 with the tax, I got it because it has a drawer so i can set my stuff up and leave it there, not have to keep clearing away or having no place to eat/ write.

[reallyME]

I am about to take the self-esteem test...hope I get it done before leaving for work...

Laura

[portia guest]

(((((Beth)))))))

Lately I get weepy over coffee commercials, ya know what I mean????

Yes, but which type? Which characters or character combinations cause the weepiness – parent/child, partners, friends?

Please go easy on yourself Beth, visiting your parents is most likely still having a big effect inside you.

Jealousy – feeling that someone has got what is rightfully yours (jealous of attention a husband gives to another woman).

Envy – feeling that you want what someone else has, but which is not rightfully yours (I’m envious of people who have good relationships with their parents).

My envy leads to sadness, grief and acceptance that I am different to those other people (not worse, not better, just different, I’ll never know a good parental relationship, fact). I call this the ‘shop window’ effect. It’s like looking at stuff in a shop window that you can’t afford and probably never will afford. I guess the answer is to analyse wanting it, or seeing ‘it’ for the reality it is (even good relationships have their ups and downs and it isn’t usually as rosy as we think it might be). Envy kinda has rose-tinted glasses too I think.

Storm: having a total jerk for a husband is far too high a price to pay for a diving hobby
seconded, right on! Would I like to go diving, or would I prefer to have a kind, considerate husband, given the choice?

Please be easy on yourself Beth.

[portia guest]

Beth, been thinking more about this because it's what I've been experiencing of late.

Maybe this feeling of envy is for what we can't have and is all tied up with childhood.

I saw Jane Fonda being interviewed, talking about weight control amongst other things. She mentioned that she'd been somewhere interacting with some very large ladies who exuded incredible sexual energy and self-confidence (both of which Jane struggles with I guess). She told the interviewer, almost as an afterthought (aren't those the most telling, those unplanned asides?):

"I bet those women had Daddies who loved them."

She said this with more than a smatter of bitterness and I felt sad. Jane, who's had all the therapy, all the exposure etc...can't diminish that bitterness, that anger at her father. Can't grieve it and accept it, or at least hasn't yet.

She was incredibly envious of those women. She knew that their confidence came from being loved as kids. Being bitter and angry has its place in the cycle...but eventually heart-rending huge sobbing grieving - if allowed - will enable quiet sadness and acceptance I think.

Maybe there's something that this diver lady exudes that's similar? (If so, what's she doing with such a jerk?!)


Another memory from here. Ages ago, a member wrote about how her mother never played with her as a kid. She remembered the girl next door and her mother sitting on the step playing with her dolls. She envied the other girl terribly, so that it hurt.

Years later she met the other girl and mentioned how her relationship with her mother had pained our member. The girl said: "It wasn't like that. I always wished that my mother would just get out of my face."

When we envy I guess we project our perfect image on to others and the reality is probably a little, if not very, different from what we assume. Maybe that comforts? 

[adrift]

Hi!

  I haven't read all the replies, but what you are describing sounds very normal and understandable to me.  It's not like you hate her for what she's accomplished, it's actually that you admire it so much that you wish you had done it.  You wish you had the opportunities that she does and frankly I envy BOTH of you    I love to paint, but it never comes out on paper like it should and I enjoy photography but don't have the camera or 1:1 lens I need to do the macro work I'd like.  And I love to dive again too but who has time with what I have going on..............

   Now if you start hating the woman, wishiing vile things to happen to her etc then I'd say there's a problem ( ) but that's not gonna happen because you're not like that.  Don't beat yourself up for a little envy, it's normal.  Sometimes it can even spur us to get into a position to do or attain those very things we are envious of,,,,or to become better at those things at which we are already good at.  Does that make any sense??? Sorry if it doesn't, my mind isn't on straight this morning. 


Adrift

[reallyME]

76% on the self-esteem test

[Certain Hope]

Hi Laura,

  Are you surprised at all with your score? I haven't taken the test yet.

Love,
Hope